This Thanksgiving I give thanks to the 30 million turkeys with pop-up thermometers in their breasts who will make 30 million families happy, assuming they can afford the cranberry sauce and other trimmings.
This Thanksgiving I give thanks to Mark Copsy of Chicago, Illinois, and his 30 pound, frozen Norbest turkey. (It is not known if the bird was a pop-up or a non-pop-up.) Returning from the store with said fowl, Mr. Copsy saw a car on fire with an elderly gentleman at the wheel and a woman next to him, both for some reason unable to open the doors and escape. He tried to smash the window by using hands and then feet to rescue the couple, but, failing in the attempt, he said, “Hell, I'll just use the damn turkey. And that's what I did.” Warning the car’s occupants to protect their faces from flying glass, Mr. Copsy staved in the windows and saved the couple. It is not recorded whether the Norbest turkey survived intact.
This Thanksgiving I give thanks to George Bush for being the first President to visit Outer Mongolia. His visit may be his single greatest accomplishment while in office. For those interested in emulating Mr. Bush’s feat, rooms are to be had at the Continent Hotel in Ulan Bator, that nation’s capital city, for $107 a night, hay for your yak or pony gratis.
This Thanksgiving I give thanks to Rep. William D. Delahunt, the Massachusetts Democrat who went to Venezuela last summer and got President Hugo Chavez to sell 12 million gallons of discounted heating oil to organizations in Delahunt’s state serving low income people. Mr. Delahunt has been attacked for being friendly with President Chavez, who is looked on by reactionaries as a younger Fidel Castro, although Chavez is legitimately elected while the Cuban Maximum Leader has dispensed with such formalities. Criticized for undermining the State Department’s policy of antagonism and subversion of Chavez, Mr. Delahunt is quoted as saying, “I don't work for Condoleezza Rice. I don't report to the State Department. I report to the people who elected me in the state of Massachusetts. I belong to an independent branch of government." In general Congresspersons with attitude don’t get very far, but let us be grateful to Mr. Delahunt as long as we have him, even as we wonder at the head of a poor South American country providing winter warmth for our needy.
Lastly, this Thanksgiving I give my greatest and most sincere thanks to Sgt. 1st Class Joseph Barker of Delta Company at Forward Operating Base Falcon, Iraq. Delta Company lost four men in nine days. "When I first got here, I felt like I could actually do some good for the Iraqi people," the Sergeant told a Los Angles Times reporter, but he said, "We're not going to change the Iraqis. I don't care how many halal meals we give out. . . It is no longer a matter of making it home alive and in one piece. Just alive would be fine."