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Until the publishing of Hoffman’s Theorem it was accepted that people had to choose between evolution and intelligent design. Hoffman has proclaimed the existence of dual origins.

Biologists, geneticists and other assorted scientists can cease their carping against the teachings of holy roller ministers, snake handlers, Christian crackpots, school board members, bible bearing patriots and politicians running for office in $2,000 suits. There is room in our glorious cosmos for evolution and intelligent creation.

You take the panda. Could blind, dumb, bio-chemical processes have come up with something so cuddly and so cute? Somebody had to invent the panda. Intelligent design.

Or the puppy dog. Are puppies or kittens here because of pure chance and various stupid proteins doing strange unpronounceable things to each other over eons and eons of time? A dog and cat lover has to have thought up the puppy and the kitten. Anyone who has ever leaned over the low barrier to lift one of those warm, winning little guys up, made eye contact and decided to take the little fella home knows, knows absolutely that, as sure as Walt Disney designed Mickey Mouse, somebody designed the puppy dog. You are a flaming anti-valuistical anal orifice if you can’t see that.

Now consider the giant squid, a horrible animal recently captured on film by the Japanese. (What is it with their fascination with monsters? They should get over it.) The giant squid is one disgusting, nightmarish creature like those eighty foot long worms they discovered lurking around thermal holes at the bottom of the ocean.

No intelligent anything, person, spirit, god or universal who-who, would design an eighty foot worm. Why would an intelligence design something so disgusting and icky-poo? They, it, him, her wouldn’t. Anybody or anything that would do that is obviously un-intelligent. So what do the scientists say is unintelligent? Evolution.

Evolution is responsible for eels, regusting bugs, awful stuff which lives way down at the bottom of the oceans, ugly people, old people, your tacky, terror type Moslem and, generally, anybody too pathetic to make it on their own.

An exception to the theorem. Avian flu comes from neither intelligent design nor evolution. CNN gets the credit for that. Hurricanes are started by MSNBC. Earthquakes come courtesy of FOX.

Problem solved.