Dear Straight Men,
Unless you're living under a rock or into that John Muir thing, you've probably heard that the NFL is on the verge of having its first openly gay football player in Michael Sam, the Mizzou lineman whose coming out made headlines last week. Some straight dudes were pretty cool about it, so much so that ESPN temporarily became The Michael Sam Speculation Variety Hour. A reported 86 percent of NFL players, including QBs Colin Kaepernick and Cam Newton, say sexuality doesn't matter on the field, but not everyone has been so accepting. Sports Illustrated conducted interviews with NFL personnel, all of whom were skeptical about Sam's draft prospects. One labeled Sam a "distraction," which is straight code for "flaming homosexual sex menace."
New Orleans Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma put it more bluntly, saying that he would be uncomfortable showering with a gay teammate. Vilma told the NFL Network's Andrea Kramer: "Imagine if he's the guy next to me, and you know, I get dressed, naked, taking a shower, the whole nine, and it just so happens he looks at me, how am I supposed to respond?"
Vilma represents the other 14 percent of straight dudes, the ones who are so scared of a gay man hitting on them that they're unwilling to even work with one. They can't go to a gay bar because they know that gay men are just going to rip them apart, fighting over their straight body as if this were a Barney's clearance sale. They don't have gay friends because they know that gay guys just want to have sex with them and will spend every waking moment plotting to get them into bed -- planting bear traps filled with things straight guys enjoy, like Maxim, cans of Natural Light and Scarface posters. Gay men are just waiting for their opportunity to strike, so desperate we'll even send in the drones if necessary.
To this 14 percent, I have a message for you: Get the fuck over yourselves.
Honestly, do you really think that gay men think about you? Unless your name is Joseph Gordon-Levitt or Ryan Gosling (who everyone on the planet wants to bang), most gay men aren't that into straight guys. We already tried getting straight dudes to secretly fall in love with us in high school, and it just leads to a trail of sadness and shame. One of two things happens: either a) He uncomfortably reminds you that he likes vaginas (and you'll agree to disagree); or b) You have one beautiful, drunken night that he pretends he doesn't remember and then he ends up married 10 years later. (You'll pretend you didn't get the invite.) As adults, gay men learn to indulge in different types of sexual masochism, like S&M or dating guys who are emotionally unavailable (read: total dicks).
Unless it's a Corbin Fisher video, hetero dudes are so 15 years ago. And nobody believes those CF boys are straight, anyway.
Besides, what would we even do if we got a straight guy? No one wants to watch The Boondock Saints for the 20th time with you or tune into whatever it is they play on Spike TV. We don't care about Daniel Tosh and we can't take you to our Robyn concert. Straight men don't seem to share the gay fascination with Sunday brunch, a love so deep that gay men will make a meal last an entire day. Kardashian marriages are shorter than gay brunches.
Straight men and gay guys can agree on loving Jennifer Lawrence (because who isn't obsessed with her?), but you can't foster an entire sexual liaison out of J.Law worship. If you could, both of my last two relationships would have worked out much better than they did.
But it's not just our divergence on the merits of professional wrestling that's the problem. Have you ever been to a straight guy's apartment? Unless you're Schmidt on New Girl or George Clooney (who I imagine lives in a spotless harrier jet of constant sexual frenzy), straight men have the most disgusting bathrooms known to humankind. You have to brush away the pube debris just to see the mirror. I don't want to brush my teeth in that furry claptrap, let alone make any semi-permanent commitments to remind you to get a real shower curtain. When I come over, I'm just going to want to clean your house, get you new bedsheets (that don't look like they came from a cheap motel) and buy you movies that don't have Adam Sandler in them.
That sounds like too much work, and this isn't Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. We just want to get our bone smoked and have a nice cuddle, not give you a life makeover. This isn't 2003. The gays have come a long way.
Our girl friends tell us about you, straight dudes. We know what you're like. Dating a hetero guy means agreeing to be their part-time mother and under-compensated maid, and gay men don't need more mothers in our life. One mother is enough, and we don't want to become her, even if it would mean finally remembering to watch White Collar. That Matt Bomer sure is dreamy.
If we end up showering with you, we're most likely not thinking about you. This might come as a surprise, but gay men don't want to have sex with everyone we meet. Sometimes you're not cute and sometimes you just have a shitty personality that gives us permanent whiskey dick. Even if you are attractive, put together, nice to your mother and you can pick out a tie that matches your shirt, we still don't want you. New gays are coming out of the woodwork every day. During the writing of this article, five more gay people probably came out, including two more members of *NSYNC (but never the ones you'd hope). We have a lot of options on the menu, and we don't really need to order out if we know we're just going to regret it anyway. We have more self-respect than that.
We love you, straight guys. We really do. Without straight men, we wouldn't exist, and we do wish you well in all of your coital endeavors. But please, stop thinking about us thinking about you in the showers, because 14 percent of you think about us more than we ever think about you. We're flattered that you're so interested in us, but it's never gonna happen -- and all the attention is getting kinda creepy.
Follow Nico Lang on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Nico_Lang