If there was one piece of marital advice I'd want to give you, I still wouldn't. Not because I want to keep you from the "Top 20 Ways to Improve Your Marriage!" or the "3 Tricks Guaranteed to Keep Him Happy in the Bedroom!" I wouldn't share it with you because, like your preferred brand of no-cal sweetener, we all have our own preferences and some of them cause tumors in rats.
I don't know -- the yellers, the cuddlers, the daters who never talk about the kids when they go out for dinner and the couples with separate bank accounts -- they all freak their own freak and seem to have just as much success (or failure) as anyone else. So spoon in your sleep, if you must, if that keeps you and your partner bonded. I'd knee Tim in the groin if he tried to fling a leg over me while we slept, but maybe you're into that sort of thing.
I base a lot of my approach to commenting on other people's marriages on something my mother once told me when I was about to meddle with a friend's dating life in high school. She said, "Don't." She was right. After months of knowing a girlfriend was seeing someone else on the side, I spilled the secret to her boyfriend, assuming I'd saved him a lot of heartache. Turns out he'd been cheating on her as well and both of them -- their delicate balance disrupted -- hated me for getting involved.
"I wouldn't even meddle in my sisters' marriages," my mother explained. What we outsiders think we understand about what's going on in someone else's relationship is often a far cry from reality.
So, be the couple that eats off of each other's forks, if that works for you. Be the couple that fights over money or politics or favorite brand of laundry detergent. Be swingers, for all I care; I will sit back and judge you in silence, like God intended.
Except that if there's one rule you absolutely, positively must follow, it's this: Don't let your spouse be your everything. No one person can be your everything. No, no one person should have to be your everything. That's a hell of a lot to ask.
That's all I have to say about that. I mean, I won't tell you what you should do because this is 'Merica --
But, you should also avoid saying the first thing that comes to mind in the event that you find yourself in an argument with your spouse. If you're arguing over who needs to scoop the dog poop in the backyard, it is not the time to say, "I've always hated your mother!"
But that's it. Two pieces of advice. Not really advice, common sense.
You should have a will. I know that seems morbid, but have you talked with your spouse about what will happen when you die? Or when he dies after you smother him in his sleep for saying your homemade fruit leather was "just OK"?
That's not me telling you what's what, that's just sound planning, that. You need nothing else, really, for a successful marriage. Don't make your spouse your everything; try not to fight dirty; make sure you have a will. Just a suggestions, is all.
Ideas for a fruitful marriage.
But you can take them or leave them.
If there's just one more thing you really, absolutely ought to do? It's share your story and listen to other stories. Marriage is a marathon and telling your marriage tales and hearing about others is like bringing along a fanny pack full of Power Bars for the slog.
That's why Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat, the writer behind the best-selling parenting-humor anthology I Just Want to Pee Alone, has compiled another book of hilarious essays for her follow-up, I Just Want to Be Alone. It's a book about relationships, namely, how husbands are ruining them.*
How do I know it's a great book? Because I'm in it with over 30 other Super Cool Lady Bloggers. And for my very last bit of non-advice, I think you should pre-order I Just Want to Be Alone right now on Amazon.com.
*Well, it's not like it's my fault he doesn't know I'm always right.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.