From what I've been hearing from the 2016 presidential primary candidates there seems to be little true hope and change on the horizon for the rest of us. Donald, Ted, Marco, Hillary, Bernie, Jeb, John, Rand, Martin, Ben, Carly, Rick and Mike. They may occasionally say the words we want to hear, but the sincerity is lacking.
To help those voters that still haven't made up their minds, I've taken the liberty of writing the below stump speech that they would be giving if they were being honest about their intentions.
Fellow Americans, Takers, Makers, Anchor Babies, Undocumented Workers and Those Suffering From Income Inequality and the Middle Class, we're better than you, so you should listen up.
We, the 2016 Presidential Candidates, would like to take this last chance to earn your vote that we believe you'll only cast along partisan, racial or gender lines. Be assured, the only bi-partisan activity that we will engage in is the telling of fibs, half-truths and outright lies to earn your votes. We have no intention of making any significant changes that would make you or your children's quality of life better. We are looking to gain more power, blame the other side for grid-lock and be as divisive as possible.
If you are a Republican voter, we will not repel and replace Obama Care, abortion or gay marriage. Taxes will continue to be increased to provide corporate welfare. We have no interest in stemming illegal immigration because it's cheap labor for businesses that contribute to us and most importantly we are afraid they will become Democrat voters if they are given a path to citizenship. Oh, and we really don't care about the middle class. Most of us grew up wealthy, so if you're poor or struggling to get by, you should vote for us, but please don't touch us in case poverty is contagious.
If you are a Democrat then the idea of a minimum wage that is a livable wage, equal opportunity to have a good and affordable education, gun control, criminal justice reform and increasing the taxes on the rich to give more resources to the poor is a fantasy. Like our Republican brothers and sisters, we have no interest in securing the border because it's cheap labor for businesses that contribute to us, and their children will be citizens that will most likely vote for us. It's a win-win (for us, not you). Oh and we really don't care about the middle class either, but we will come up with some programs that keep the poor appeased just enough to believe we care.
We are unwilling to have substantive discussions of the issues most important to you. Frankly we don't care what you think or respect you because you are not Ivy-League educated and rich. We, the ruling class politicians, have more in common with each other, regardless of party affiliation, than we do with average Americans and appreciate you being tired from working too hard for little money to have any energy left to hold us accountable at the voting booth.
Thanks for your vote to keep things exactly the same.