He was enigmatic, charismatic and handsome. He was the romantic man I had waited my whole life to meet. I fell madly and hopelessly in love with him. In the end, the relationship almost destroyed me.
I had been single for a few years, and I was lonely. I had almost everything I wanted: a great job, wonderful kids and close friends, even an amicable relationship with my ex-husband. The only thing I lacked was someone to love.
I met him online, on a millionaire's website. I thought that might be a place to meet someone of a similar educational background, with similar interests and income. I was never looking to meet a sugar daddy; certainly, as a physician, I was able to provide for my children and myself.
He swept me off my feet. My Pollyanna-like trust and gullibility were no match for his romantic shock and awe. He was a rock star impersonator by trade, having spent his entire adult working life pretending to be someone else (though he claimed to be working on a law degree). He also had just a hint of an affected British accent. The accent, as well as his stories of brushes with celebrity, drew me in, while his unwavering attention through texts, e-mails, phone calls and flowers did the rest. I had never felt so loved, so beautiful and desired. He had me right where he wanted me.
We met in person three weeks after meeting online, and he proposed from the stage of the hotel ballroom in Las Vegas just a month later. We married less than three months after his sudden proposal, against the advice of all of my friends and family and without the benefit of a pre-nuptial agreement.
For those in the know, this rapidly progressing relationship, with proposed co-habitation and/or marriage very early into the courtship, is a hallmark sign of a psychopath. The psychopath knows from experience that he will be unable to maintain his façade of normalcy for long and compensates by "love-bombing" his intended victim. The types of women targeted by psychopaths tend to be over-endowed with personality traits such as trust, generosity and compassion; in essence, the perfect victim.
The warning signs were there early on, but I was too enamored with my shiny new husband to recognize them. The drinking binges, the drug use and the pathologic lying became more frequent over time. I believe he became "willfully underemployed," citing the economy as the cause of his dwindling work, when really he felt no compelling need to work. I provided his home, food, travel and paid his bills. He worked only when his ego needed stroking. What man wouldn't love to strut drunkenly onstage, surrounded by adoring fans? He prided himself on his "goodie bag," lacy underthings which were thrown at him during performances by pretty young women.
I began to realize that while he pretended to like my neighbors and friends, he couldn't be bothered to remember their names. With his encouragement, I bought a bigger house away from the neighborhood in which I had lived for a decade. He professed to love my sons, but treated them with casual indifference, complaining when their activities interfered with his personal time. He seemed only interested in what I could give to him. He hinted for a new Mercedes, a tour bus and a plane. He expected me to take care of all of the household details such as cleaning and cooking while he enjoyed nothing but leisure time. He treated his biological daughter like a prize to be won, using her as a pawn in an ugly custody dispute with his previous wife.
I knew that I couldn't stay married to someone who now appeared to have married me not for love, but for my money. It wasn't until I witnessed his arrest in my front foyer, guns to his head, that I found the courage to end it. Soon after his arrest, I had him removed from my home with a civil protection order. He threatened my personal reputation, stating he would go to the media and claim that I attended orgies and wife-swapping parties -- very damaging allegations to any physician's reputation. He called the state medical board multiple times, alleging that I used and dealt narcotics. Because the reporting process to the medical board was anonymous, I had no recourse. I could not sue him for defamation of character or slander, or to recover the expenses of hiring a medical licensure attorney.
The divorce process was longer than the sixteen-month marriage. Every time I thought he could sink no lower, he would go further in his attempt to destroy me. The magistrate and attorney had no concern for the truth, only the balance sheet. When the dust finally settled, I paid over a quarter of a million dollars in attorney fees, spousal support and final settlement fees. I developed a mass in the center of my chest, which I believe resulted from immune suppression from my chronic, high-level stress.
He walked away with more money than he had ever had in his life and no regrets. The defining quality of the psychopath is the inability to connect with another human on anything but the most superficial level. Because he cannot love, winning and domination become his first and foremost motivation. He feels no remorse, has no real sense of right or wrong and can be the most charming person you'll ever met. It is no coincidence that many cult leaders (Jim Jones, Charles Manson) exhibit most if not all of the criteria on the Psychopathy Checklist.
Use mine as a cautionary tale. Listen to your internal warning system, your friends and family. Take time to really get to know a love interest before jumping into marriage. Because it is far easier to enter into a relationship with a psychopath than to escape from one.
Psychopaths come in both genders and have a propensity for winning court cases (CASEY ANTHONY) because most good people are too busy living decent lives to become master manipulators focused on presenting a court appealing aura and the deviled details of the "law". Innocence is nothing more than the weak, frail lamb at the alter of jaded judges who ALWAYS find guilt based on believable lies more material than acquitting innocence due to unbelievable truths.
Evil wins because it looks better than simple goodness. Besides, seems like you got a book deal out of the ordeal! May your health issues resolve and your heart heal completely...
All should be careful to not throw stones lest you fall into a trap yourself. This is what they do. They look for unsuspecting women to lure into their trap..
I pray that I can really get on with my life at some point. He has cost me SO much. I do not remember life before he "captured" me. I too, have developed many health problems. I have been so healthy all my life. It is, as you said, the constant stress and heaviness. I have always been such a strong woman and I would be the "least likely" if you asked my former friends...Who would you think would ever get caught up in something like this? (Of course, I say "former friends" because when you get a psychopath in your life, he rids you of those too!!) I have developed an auto-immune disease and heart problems brought on by prolonged periods of stress. I am so sorry, Noelle, that you have gone through all of this. It breaks my heart to know that others have suffered as I have. It is a living nightmare!!
I kept waiting for him to see the scars on my face that would bring anyone to their knees asking for forgiveness....I kept thinking it would just break his heart when he realized how very much I had REALLY loved him and how very much he had so hurt me...WRONG!!!....As you said, no remorse...absolutely NO CONSCIENCE. He does not think as a normal human being. But I didnt know. He has destroyed me in so many areas. I just want to move where he cant find me. But he knows he has made it where I can't do that!!! I fell into his trap...or should I say, I walked ever-so-willingly into his trap. I have fought so hard and so long to get out of his grips. It is not as easy as a piece of paper saying "divorce" or a "protection order." These men are so brilliant and they outsmart any law enforcement, any judge, and lawyer. He actually thrives on that. It makes him superior.
Like your experience, Noelle, this guy didnt have a pot to pee in until he met me. 50 year old who had never owned a home!!! He has stripped me of everything...
I had a whirlwind romance myself, but luckily for me it wasn't with a psychopath - my husband is a very good man. I'm sorry you had to have this experience to teach you what to look for. No-one should have to.
I'm sure you've heard all the platitudes before, but you have my sympathy, anyway. One human being to another.
should not make the lady feel worse than she does already. This is something she will have to live all
of her life with, so let us show her some love.
You never know what kind of fish you got 'til you get it out of the water.
I must credit Alice Walker for the fish out of the water line.