I am announcing today that I am throwing my hat in the ring.
No, not to run for president. I could never handle that job because I'm not a multi-tasker. I am throwing my hat in the ring to be considered a member of Trump's cabinet when he selects it, after he wins the White House and decorates it with marble statues of naked women and paints the black wrought iron fence white with golden tips of fluers de lis. I have been on several TV shows, so I think I have the qualifications he will be looking for.
I am throwing in my hat, by the way, not my beanie, not my yarmulke, not a headdress of any kind, nor a veil. I am throwing in my straw, all-American skimmer.
What has turned me around? Trump's simple idea which comes from under that simple head of mystifying hair that seems to defy gravity. Who's his hairdresser, Sigfried or Roy?
But that is not the question of the day. Trump has asked a different one. All we have to do to protect ourselves from terrorism is to ask it. Are you a Muslim? This question will be asked of anyone with light brown skin or who sports a beard or a scarf that covers their own head of hair.
If this question works, well, we are scot-free. Because then we could start asking other simple questions to rid ourselves of complex problems. To get rid of baffling movie theater rampages, you just ask. Are you a homicidal lunatic? Are you packing an AK-47 in your pants or are you just dying to see me? Maybe just, Are you a terrorist? That would work, wouldn't it?
It's too bad we did not have this simple, genius policy in place in time to ask Timothy McVeigh if he was carrying a load of manure in his truck. Trump would have come up with that plan too, I'm sure. Because he is smart.
After that terrorist attack, perpetrated by a young slim-fit white guy with a close-cropped crewcut, Trump would have demanded an answer from every other slim-fit white guy with a close-cropped crewcut trying to park a rental truck loaded with manure.
Are you now or have you ever been an American carrying a load of manure in your rental truck?
Had we had Trump's simple plan in place before McVeigh carried out his plot, we might have saved the lives of 117 people on that dark day, most of them children. Instead, years later, a young white guy with a bowl cut shot 20 children to death. Nobody ever got the chance to ask him anything.
I am going to suggest a question we ask Donald Trump. Are you, Mr. Trump, peddling a load of manure?
I could have called it something else. I hate the politically correct atmosphere we've been forced to adhere to. I am sick of the wimpy-pants notion that people should exercise civil discourse and not call each other names like toilet-face while debating policy questions. I am tired of school kids complaining about bullies and even taking their cases to The Dr. Phil Show. Who is he anyway if not another reality show host like Trump was on The Apprentice? How come Dr. Phil isn't running for president? He's presidential. He's a multi-tasker and more. And he probably has more money that The Donald does.
Well, if you can't take being bullied, get out of our country! Take your limp-wristed, politically correct, eco-friendly, climate changing, bleeding heart philosophy and go live with the Commies in Russia! And by the way, Mr. Trump is going to make so many deals that Putin can't refuse that Putin will find himself spinning on the ice whie a pervert is drooling over him! The Donald is coming for you, dude.
So yes, Mr. Trump, if you remember me at all, please consider me when you are picking a cabinet. I prefer the ones at Pottery Barn.
I am not a Muslim. My skin is as white as Adam Lanza's. I think I qualify and can be trusted.
It's important to ask questions, don't you think? I think that may be my point here. Questions are important. And I even have one more.
Wouldn't it be nice if, when Donald Trump asked the world his simple and ludicrous question, we all ignored him?