My Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

I just read my New Year's resolutions from last year, and I'm sorry to say that I managed to carry out almost none of them. I vowed to lose two pounds; I didn't. I was going to cook a timballo; I didn't. I promised myself I would leave America Online, and I almost succeeded; but after deciding where to go, I discovered that I couldn't even get my own name as a handle, so that was pretty much that. Last year I even resolved to become a better human being, but then I promptly forgot all about it.

It's discouraging that I couldn't manage to carry out any of these resolutions, which are minimal and personal and easily achievable, to put it mildly, and it crossed my mind that perhaps my problem is that I'm aiming too low -- I'm doing the traditional thing, which is to resolve to do something I have control over, as opposed to something that's completely out of reach.

So here's a list of my resolutions for 2008, which it seems to me I have as good a chance of carrying out as last year's:

1. End the war in Iraq. I've wanted to do this for a long time, and I'm not talking about a slow withdrawal, I'm talking about just getting the hell out. This resolution involves my becoming Speaker of the House and Majority Leader of the Senate and whipping the entire Democratic membership of Congress into a brilliant frenzy of opposition that includes (but is not limited to) refusing to fund a penny more for the war.

2. Make sure a Democrat is elected president. Any Democrat. I wish it were going to be Chris Dodd, who would make a great president, but he doesn't have a shot. But I'll take anyone who's running. And I promise to try not to find fault with the candidate, whoever he or she is, even though it will be hard and will probably require a personality transplant on my part.

3. In the meantime, while George Bush is still president, I will persuade him to get behind the threat of global warming. I plan to do this by slipping into the White House in the dead of night, tying the President naked to a bedpost and forcing him to watch footage of the melting polar icecap until he concedes.

4. Close the prison at Guantanamo Bay and then, in my capacity as Special Prosecutor, indict and convict all the American officials who condoned torture, from Rumsfeld on down.

5. Get William Kristol fired from the New York Times. I don't think any actual work is going to be required in this area; this will come to pass as soon as he starts writing for the paper and whoever hired him actually reads his copy. But how did this happen? I have been watching this supercilious man smirk on Fox News for years, but it never crossed my mind that I would someday have to waste a perfectly good New Year's resolution on him.

6. Kill Osama bin Laden. Everyone has almost forgotten about him, but I haven't. I would send a Swat Team headed by Kiefer Sutherland and Matt Damon into Afghanistan or Pakistan or wherever, and although the two of them would continually disagree about methods, they would eventually get their man.

7. Decide whether I would rather impeach Dick Cheney or Clarence Thomas. I always have a hard time figuring out which of these two I would rather do without, but this year I am definitely going to make a decision on the question, and there's no telling what might happen once I do. At the moment I'm leaning toward Clarence Thomas, but that's because I just read The Nine by Jeffrey Toobin (which I highly recommend) and the Supreme Court is on my mind. (By the way, if I choose to impeach Clarence Thomas, my scenario includes another brave moment from the Democrats in Congress, who under my leadership refuse to approve Bush's nominee to the Court and hold up the appointment until the next President is elected.)

8. Start a universal health care program and put Oprah Winfrey in charge of it. She can figure the whole thing out, and I, therefore, won't have to.

9. Get the United States government to fund an endowment to lend money, interest-free, to anyone who wants to go to college, and to re-finance (also interest-free) the college loans of all the adults who are walking around saddled by interest payments on their tuition debt. This might require my becoming Education Czar, which in turn would require my becoming involved in improving school lunches, which would be good for everyone involved, trust me.

10. Cook a timballo.

Read more New Year's posts from HuffPost bloggers

Comments

[TheKat]

Hi Nora,
Even though it's a year late, leaving aol is good. You're right, your own name's been co-opted by warner bros from 2001. There are other domains. Your own website is easier to do than your 2008's 1-10. Seriously.
Kitty Kaufman

[Karin]

Ms. Ephron,
Sorry for this late comment, but I am just catching up on my HuffPo reading. We have a New Year's resolution in common. I too have vowed to get William Kristol fired from the New York Times. It's such an embarrassment that they hired him. I began my campaign by writing to the Times Public Editor, working the conflict of interest angle-it seems that Kristol is an advisor to the McCain campaign. Which is in violation of the Times Ethics Handbook. Won't you join me in pressuring them to dump this ridiculous man?

[dpaint]

Nora,
As a long time fan I loved reading your resolutions which are both hilarious and cogent .
Perhaps when you tie the Pres. to the bed you could also present him with some soldiers families who have lost children, brothers and sisters etc. in Iraq..d

[dutch1949]

Universal healthcare. I have personally seen how really bad this can be. My daughter lives in the UK. How come most people there carry and pay for private health insursnce? My daughter got sick in Scotland, and was admitted to the hospital. She called from her room to say she would be alright. She said, "I can't talk long dad, I share this ward with 12 others, and there is only one phone." A few days later, she called again and said the doctor ordered a catscan, but it would be about 6 months to get one.
Sure, there are some big issues of our healthcare system, but having the governmeent take over would be awfull. Take a look for yourself and visit any govt institution, and see how much gets done.

[jennbeez]

"I plan to do this by slipping into the White House in the dead of night, tying the President naked to a bedpost..."

Couldn't you have gotten your point across without forcing me to wash my eyeballs after? Uck.

[sgs23]

I coud not help but notice in resolution #3, you would tie Bush "naked to a bedpost". Is the naked part for humiliation purposes, or some perverted fantasy of yours? Either way, I just lost my lunch...thanks Nora!

[goldcoastsailor]

There is really only one resolution worth doing this year, in my opinion, and that is to get the hell out of this country.

[Beatitudes]

I think a visit to purgatory or inferno with Dante would be most appropriate....some lessons cannot be learned:

“You see,” said Delcambre. “I will tell you why we are here. We must hurry, and with these we do not need spend much time. They smile; they do not even acknowledge their sin.” “Then shouldn’t they go straight to hell?” asked Pinch.
“Well, theoretically,” said Delcambre. “But that is not my decision.”
I kneeled next to a man with a gray suit; his face was pasty, like he had just had a heart attack. His eyes were bloodshot, wireless framed glasses falling from his face, his smiling lips, blue. “What does money taste like?” I asked him. “Is it as horrible as the breath of a dead child?”
“It wasn’t me,” he croaked. “We followed the rules. The army made me do it. They said that it was ordained.”
I stood up and by God I remember how much I wanted to kick the bastard. I remembered him. Politicians. I wanted to kick his sorry ass.
“Leave him to his fate,” said Delcambre. He raised his hands as though he were about to give a benediction and then he said: “Here is one from Dante as you avaricious ones move to your well-deserved ends: . . . .my house is now your captive: It traffics in the flesh of its own children.” Then he turned to Pinch and me and nodded. “Another clue.”
“But the big question is,” said Pinch, “whose house?”
“All of them,” I said.

Lyn LeJeune-The Beatitudes Network-Rebuilding the Public Libraries of New Orleans, The New Orleans Chronicles and "The Last Time I saw Ignatius J. Reilly at www.beatitudesinneworleans.blogspot.com

[shedances]

Nora ~

Terrific resolutions, & I agree with just about every single one of them ... except for the Pres. Bush persuasive technique/global warming part (he, in the buff ... YUCK ... that would make me nauseous).

You are absolutely right! Gitmo needs to be closed immediately, & those officials involved in such torture, etc. held accountable. And America needs to leave Iraq pronto ... perhaps the next president (hopefully, a Democrat) will offer to send Bush, Rumsfeld & Cheney over there to assess the damage they've caused by their combined greed & inhumanity?

The only addition I would make to your wonderful list, is to address the problems of firearm violence at home by supporting the efforts of advocacy organizations like the DC-based Brady Campaign.

And, good luck with your dish in '08!!

Kelli

[rahgolf]

Nora:
They were all a waste!

[kwestionauthority]

Two pounds? Oh please....

[optiquest]

and u expect the President of the United States to do what about Global Warming? What can the president of a free land and people do to curb ones carbon emmissions? Make gas 5 bucks per gallon with added taxes?

[audaciousman]

This was hilarious. It's obvious that electing just "any democrat" will make resolutions 1, 3, 4, 7, 8 & 9 totally impossible. Other than Dennis Kucinich, the Dem candidates have no plans to end the war or begin universal health care. All of them, except Dennis Kucinich, have already made clear that they do not support impeachment of Cheney. Dennis tried to pull it off, but the others blocked him. Let's face it, you got Dennis, and you got a bunch of Republicans. Vote Dennis in your primary!

[johntal]

obey the "Golden Rule" every day of our lives , then we will not need "New Years Eve " resolutions :) j

[dsmith99156]

#4...what do you mean from Rumsfeld on down?