How to Let Go of Your Fears in Five Steps

05/22/2015 05:30 pm ET | Updated May 22, 2015

Why is it so difficult to let go of our fears? How much easier life would be if we dared to go ahead and we would not worry about everything. You should let go of your fears, not stick to them. It is difficult to know what belongs to you, as you often do not even realize that you have adopted something, and at the same time you consider things as your reality which have nothing to do with reality. Notice what does not belong to you, that is holding you back and eliminate it from your life; do not let it slow you down. The following tasks help me each and every time I would like to conquer my fears.


1. Write down your fears

If you have the courage to write them down, you are halfway there. Lot of fears are eating us from the inside, and we are so used to them that we don't even realize they exist. They are hidden in our words and in our beliefs. We have made them part of our lives, but remember: you shouldn't stick to your fears, you should let them go.

2. Go into details

Write down the main areas of your life and make lists of your blockages. This task will help you dig even deeper into your fears. I know, you still say that this task is not for you, but if you follow the five steps, you will soon realize it is only your ego tricking you. From your job to you career and to your relationships, take a look at the things that might hold you back. Think of the reasons why you are not taking certain steps.

Don't forget:
your circumstances keep changing all the time, don't camp in the past. Just because something could not happen last year, it might happen this year.

3. Analyze

Now that you have a list of your fears, deal with them one by one. Why are you afraid of it? Because if you don't succeed, it's a failure? Why are you afraid of failure? What kind of image do you have of failure? How were you treated in the past when you failed?

The attitude and the experience you associate with the specific events are important. If in your case it is negative, you only have to change that. The following stories will help you with that.

I know people who have been competing a lot since they were kids, and when they didn't win, their parents praised them anyhow and told them that it was also a part of the journey. If you want to be very good, you have to make a lot of mistakes; it is only the cowards that don't try. It is a myth that you are good only if you do everything perfectly. I think it works this way: you accept that you make mistakes, but you learn, because you WANT to grow.

The second story: a boy told me once that when he accidentally broke a glass as a child, his mother would start to scream her lungs out and say "how clumsy you are, son!" All through his childhood, this boy convinced himself that he is clumsy, because his mother said so, and he has been afraid he might break a glass ever since. Is it a realistic fear? No. Nevertheless, he hates eating out, since he is afraid it will happen again. I asked him to talk about this with his mother. It turned out that her mother simply got a heart attack every time, because when she was a child a wall collapsed behind her back, and since then if anything breaks around her, her reaction is like that. It also turned out that she was also worried that her son might get hurt.
You see how much depends on whether you communicate with others in a clear way? But for this, you need to know your fears and to know how the events of your past influence the present.

4. Change your viewpoint

Face them! Now that you have elaborated on the exact causes of your fears, think about it: is it a realistic fear? What will happen if you fail? Nothing - but if you don't even try, you will think about it for the rest of your life, WHAT IF? I wouldn't wish this kind of life on anyone. Once your attitude is changed, here comes the next step: you should face your fear.

E.g. "I'm afraid I won't be enough."
- Why do you think so?
E.g. "My mother always told me no-one would want me," "My ex-partner told me I would never find anyone better than him," etc.
- Is my fear real? What do I think?

Write down your opinion honestly, why you think you are not enough. If you always write "I'm unlucky in this", "every man is an asshole", "I'll be fooled again, no matter what" and the like, than look a bit further: what happens if you don't succeed the first or second time? Nothing. Is every man really an asshole? Surely not. If you know only one who isn't, you should hope that there are more. This can't be your attitude, since you will get what is in your head. And finally: why would you be fooled again? Just because you failed an exam once, you won't fail again. Just because you got lost in a city once, you won't necessarily get lost again. Think about it. We always learn and grow.

Why isn't your attitude like this: the more times you are fooled and the more negative experience you have, the easier it will be in the long run to see who can stay and who should go. After a while you will be able to spot the people you have nothing to do with you in no time, and you will be able to save many weeks, months, years and great disappointments. Let things happen the way they are supposed to happen, and don't rule out the possibility that something might turn out good at the end of the day. I know it is difficult to believe that you deserve good things, but it is worth a try.


5. Always have a plan B

A Plan B will calm you down. It will take the pressure off of you, and FINALLY you can relax. What if, for example, you never find Mr. Right or you don't have anyone for years? That isn't a tragedy either. I get plenty of letters from readers saying they are alone, and don't even have the chance to get to know people, but they would like to be with someone. What if you get to know and love yourself first? What if you discover and polish your skills? If you end up alone, make use of the valuable time you have received - let me add, not by coincidence. At times like this you can move on faster than when you have someone on your side. Shape your attitude, one without desperation. Accept the situation you are in and make the most of it. From the very moment you accept what you have and you decide that, not everyone has to live according to the expectations of society after all, you will be free from desperation and fear. This is called letting go. This is about "I've done everything I could and I accept what I have and won't fight it anymore. It will happen when it happens, and until then I 'm enjoying life." Opportunities are stifled by clinging, but if you are open minded and receptive, miracles will come... and we have all heard stories like "it happened exactly when I had given up hope." Well, something like this happens before that.

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