President Obama recently created the first-ever position of White House adviser on violence against women. Across the land, at corporate water coolers and in taverns, in locker rooms and on bass boats a growing band of men immediately lifted their voices in protest: "What about an adviser on violence against men?" They're serious, these "men's rights" advocates, and they have a point. To a point.
Violence by women against men is a real issue, however much this may be denied by a coterie of dear friends in the anti-violence-against-women movement. Non-defensive violence by a woman against a man is insupportable; it cries out to be investigated and adjudicated thoroughly and accurately, the chips falling where they may. Justice demands no less.
That said, it's time to get real, men: Domestic violence is essentially and fundamentally a male problem.
Which is to say that men are, far and away, more likely than women to be the "primary aggressor" in DV cases. In other words, in law, the guilty party.
It's not about who "started it." It's not about who's the more agreeable, the fairest, most noble, or most sensible individual of the couple. It's not about who's tried the hardest, or the longest to make things work. Or whose relationship grievances have the greater merit. It's about the violence -- the nature and magnitude of violent, unlawful behavior.
Check out the richly sourced DV fact sheet of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. One woman in four will experience domestic violence in her lifetime; 1.3 million women are criminally abused each year; 7.8 million women have been raped by an intimate partner; one in 12 women have been stalked by a male intimate partner vs. one in 45 men who've been stalked by a female intimate partner. Almost a third of all women homicide victims are murdered by men who purport to love them. In up to 80 percent of all intimate partner homicides, no matter who wound up doing the killing, the woman had been abused by the man prior to the murder. And, finally: 85 percent of all domestic violence victims are women.
"Gender symmetry," a theory advanced by a certain wing of the men's movement is wishful thinking, a myth. A dangerous one.
This belief that men and women batter each other in equal measure can undermine public policies and priorities, including funding for safe houses and women's shelters. And it can shift attention away from one of our greatest social challenges, namely teaching boys how to behave themselves.
Throughout my cop career I championed the cause of domestic violence as law enforcement's top priority -- ahead of homicide, robbery, even domestic terrorism. Why? Because violence in the home (spousal assault, child and elder abuse) is arguably the antecedent for all other forms of violence in our society.
A boy who witnesses his father resolve a marital dispute with fists or gun or knife is not only twice as likely to do the same when he grows up and enters an intimate relationship, he's more likely to use violence to get what he desires in life, generally. Want to see a drop in stranger-on-stranger rapes, barroom brawls, home invasion robberies, even simple property crimes? Teach our boys to skillfully and gracefully confront the gap between what they have and what they want. Teach them, early on, to deal with jealousy and insecurity and rage.
We've got to make it clear, via instruction and example, that a boy's gender does not entitle him to treat the girls and, later, the women in his life as chattel.
Who's best equipped to provide this modeling, this instruction? Men, of course. It's time we of XY chromosomal composition "man up" and accept responsibility for helping little boys understand it's not about who started it. It's about patience, self discipline, and personal mastery in the messy heat of relationship conflicts.
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As security, I witnessed a woman assaulting her partner. I called it in, but she continued escalating, until he RAN across a ten lane interstate get away from her. He was nearly killed! She continued to pursue him. Her actions were just as dangerous as any man.
My sister would assault her husband, slapping him and pushing him for the purpose of getting him to hit back. She would set it up, with perfect timing, to ensure that witnesses saw HIM reacting to her violence. Then she played the vic. I caught her hitting and pushing him, going for his face, and then when he pushed her away she threw herself to the ground, as if he knocked there. When I told her I saw the whole thing, she simply got up and gave it up. Some women will exploit situations this way.
My mother was abusive to everyone, our father included. She did everything, including hit my father, threatening him with a knife, and with a gun. I can’t tell you how horrible it was.
Abuse is abuse. Self defense should be just as permissible for men, and we should try to make it easier for *all* the victims to come forward.
I have never and would never hit a woman and would never justify it for anyone else. The men who do need to have a long look in the mirror. Everything you say about that is right on.
But, why dismiss female domestic violence so quickly? Doing so risks trivializing it...
What % of men do you think would actually report such incidents? My own guess is less than 2%.
I suspect there are just as many women hitting men as the reverse.
Thank you.
Any definition of Domestic violence should also include violence against children, because often children learn to become violent either by witnessing violence or being victims themselves.
By this definition child abuse and neglect would be considered domestic violence. In all cases of Child abuse and neglect, women are the perpetrators 80% of the time. Yet women are almost never arrested for any cases of abuse or physical violence against children, instead we approach these problems as a social one, and often reward women with social programs designed to help them economically and psychological, programs that quite simply have failed to stem the tide of Domestic Violence against children.
Absolutely correct, Pema. It's as important as re-training men, if not moreso, to get girls and women to refuse to be abused when it's in its earliest stages----before it even gets physical at all!
Fellow females, don't put this all off on the fellas. Take charge of it yourselves! Stop enabling them to abuse us! Don't start saying "No!" when it's gone to the point the only way you'll stop the abuse is to kill the abuser!
I can't say enough good about the "Fear" series by DeBecker. And, no, I have nothing to gain except the knowledge I've passed on life-changing, life-saving information.
There are newer, more effective programs to address this issue than the male-bashing programs and the men are evil approach we have been using. Because we haven't correctly diagnosed the problem, we've been attacking it in an ineffective way.
The domestic violence programs are designed to shame men because they have supposedly been socialized to believe that violence against women is ok. This premise is flawed. We are more socially conditioned to believe that violence by women against men is acceptable, but not the other way around. If the domestic violence problem was only because men are socialized to be violent against women, then how does that explain the high rate of domestic violence in lesbian couples?
The approaches you advocate have not been working- your own statistics prove it. See the new book "Violent Partners" for a more thoughtful analysis of the situation and new, more innovative approaches to solving it.
The standard domestic violence cops' approach of- get only one side of the story and throw the guy in jail and then don't listen to the victim's wishes is not working. Besides its ineffectiveness, it is disempowering and patronizing to women. And it teaches alleged victims not to call for help because once they do, it's out of their control and the police and DA don't listen.
I referenced the book "Violent Partners" and completely agree with hers and your analysis. TESSA (formerly the Center for the Prevention of Domestic Violence) has been incorporating the approach of treating dv as a family problem and attempts to resolve the problem within the family unit. You are correct that mandatory arrest policies do not work and do disempower women. The reason these policies exist is because women's fear of retaliation often stopped her from pressing charges. There is still a lot to learn about the best way to handle domestic violence cases, but I commend the police for their desire to continue to learn and make domestic violence a priority.
Thank you. As a woman, I feel great hope and relief when men address Domestic Violence. I think it is something only men can address men about because misogyny makes them deaf to women.Thank you.
Perhaps it is comments such as this one that discourage open and honest conversation? ;-)
At the same time we teach little boys---who by nature are more aggressive than girls---that it's not ok to settle disputes or control loved ones via aggressive violence.
We should also teach little girls----who by nature are more nurturing, verbal, and gentle than little boys--- that it's absolutely not ok to BE hit, kicked, slapped, man-handled...etc. Ever. And that if it happens, it should happen only once, because chances are it will happen again, each time worse than the last one. Put as much distance as possible between you and a man who hits you, or threatens to hit you.
We need to teach girls how to recognize patterns of male behavior and situations that can be precursors to abuse and violence, and ways to avoid and/or escape.
We should teach girls and women how to physically defend themselves and/or ways to try to survive an attack, if the above fails.
For me, the nonfiction of Gavin DeBecker has been very insightful. Also, taking assertiveness training, personal safety and weaponless self-defense course was helpful. And, I have gained a certain confidence in learning to handle a firearm, despite the fact I'll probably never use it to defend myself.