03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

A Letter to Pat Robertson

Dear Reverend Pat,

Remember me, Norman Lear? I'm one of those people for the American way. You credited us back in 2001 with being the cause of 9/11. Now, leave it to you, you old son of a gun, to remind us of the pact the people of Haiti made with the Devil so that they could get free of the French. Do you know, Pat, if they looked to God first for help? Likely they did, but he was too busy wreaking havoc somewhere in answer to your prayers to put an end to gayhood. What amazes me, Pat, is how often These Guys, God and the Devil, turn to you to bat these things around. But then, who else is there on the mental and spiritual level of, you know -- you? I mean who else would know enough about Hinduism, Islam and Buddhism to proclaim them "mostly demonic powers?" Remember when you taught us that? And that hate crime laws would protect people "who like to have sex with ducks"?

When Big D discussed the Haiti deal with you, you were minus how old then? Amazing! You know what I suspect? I suspect you not only knew of D's deal with Haiti, you brokered the deal. Right? Come on, guy, you can tell me. I never spilled the beans on those late night pow-wows you've been having with Anita Bryant.