If you dream of finding yourself at the bottom of the East River with cement blocks tied to your feet, here are a few ways to piss off enough New Yorkers to get you there fast.
Photo by: ryan.dowd
New York City is organized by a set of unspoken laws that people in-the-know obey to maintain some order in the chaos. Should you ever feel like agitating one of the world's most anxiety-ridden populations, we've got a few sure fire ways to get New Yorkers' blood boiling.
Keep it Moving
Photo by: David Boyle in DC
You know why you think New Yorkers are rude? Because your tourist ass stopped in the middle of the already congested street, caught up in the spectacle of something they see everyday (like the Empire State Building). Moving your feet in New York is similar to driving a car and tourists are a wrench in the road. Instead of becoming an annoying temporary road block, pull the fuck over to the side if you plan to stop and stare. Otherwise, prepare to be shoulder-checked until you wise up.
OTP Tip: This is especially true on the Brooklyn Bridge. Bikes and peeps share that thing so staying out the bike lane is crucial to your survival.
Say "Big Apple" One More F*cking Time!
Photo by: Kathryn Connell
Say that a few times over and over and watch the hatred build. Nobody cares if there is some history behind it or if this is your first time "taking a bite." New York City is NYC, New York, Manhattan. New York City is not fruit. Say it to be hated.
Subway Stampede
Photo by: dphiffer
Wait until the passengers get out before you get in. Otherwise, you're face-bumping into people eager to get the fuck off the train. Also, New Yorkers treat their old people and pregnant women like subway royalty and offer them a seat on a crowded train. You are expected to do the same. Nobody gives a shit if you spent all day walking from Harlem to the Brooklyn Bridge, while being chased by rabid homeless people from midtown to Chelsea. If anyone with a belly bulge or patch of grey is nearby, you get up. Else, every New Yorker on the train will silently mouth the word "dick" in your direction.
OTP Tip: Surprisingly, while many natives in the world will fucking hate you for asking them for directions, New Yorkers are actually really into giving them to you. Maybe it's because they're used to it or it's an ego trip, getting directions from a New Yorker won't piss them off much. Getting the RIGHT directions from a New Yorker, that one's tricky.
Eating Pizza With a Fork
Photo by: Paul Lowry
Let us start by saying that this manner of consuming something that's meant to be hand-held is obnoxious just about anywhere. But in New York, where pizza reigns, being dainty about eating a slice makes you look like a snob with a fork. Get it on a paper plate, fold it a little to fit your face, and bite into it while keeping stride with the sidewalk traffic. It's the only way.
Citibikes
Photo by: Oran Viriyincy
New York has a huge bike culture. From hipsters commuters to hassids, people primarily use bikes for daily transportation. When you rent a bike and use it as if you were riding a slow-moving tour camel in the bike lane, expect to be reamed both physically and verbally. They get it; you want to see the sights without burning through your soles. But put some power into your pedal if you don't want to be a jerk on wheels.
Complaining
Photo by: Ed Yourdon
What, you don't like the smell of hot trash? Oh, is your snot forming icicles down your chin? You don't like to wait for the train for 10 minutes? All this walking feels like a zebra gnawing on your calves you say? Nobody gives a shit. Sure, New Yorkers will complain about a gamut of things (rats and weather being most popular) but if you're not from here, and have not earned your bitching rights, you better keep your foreign pie hole shut.
NY Loves Me
Photo by: Andrew Beeston
No. We spoke to New York and it said it hates your fucking guts. It hates that you walk slow, complain about things you have no business complaining about, ride a bike like an asshole, poke at pizza with your fork, and block the subway doors with your lack of common sense. Wearing these t-shirts will add another layer of loathing to your already hated touristy ass. Put on some real clothes.
One of the things New Yorkers hate most is when you discover the creamy cannoli center beneath their tough exteriors. The thing is, the population of New York is comprised of a flavorful mix of people that have learned to wrangle the beast, or at least tame it a bit. Do your part in keeping the peace by being aware of your surroundings unless you're aiming to rustle the urban jungle.
Written by: Anna Starostinetskaya