Watching a papal election at a Catholic institution is a lot like what I imagine it's like watching the NHL draft for Oilers fans -- a glimmer of hope and excitement in an otherwise antiquated organization struggling for relevance and support.
At my Catholic high school, we live streamed Pope Francis's first appearance in my U.S. Government class, and we prayed for him in the morning announcements. And within the first few weeks, the stories started to come in.
"He refused to live in the cardinal's mansion! He believes in helping the poor and afflicted! He's like, actually pretty liberal!"
It has only escalated since then.
Changing limits on offering confession to women who have had abortions, some vague statements about loving everyone in response to LGBT-related questions, and the always present care for the poor and at risk have made Pope Francis this weird, semi-progressive icon among even my non-Catholic friends.
Which is why so many people were shocked to hear reports that he told Kentucky homophobe Kim Davis to "stay strong" in a private meeting. The Vatican has since spoken out and said that the meeting was one of many Francis did in his U.S. visit and the statement may have been over-exaggerated. But for many who held up the Pope as a model of new Catholicism, this was a slap in the face. I get why it feels like a betrayal. For those who still want to hold on to their faith while supporting LGBT issues, the idea of a Pope who could help those ideals advance is so alluring.
But the truth is that it was naive to not assume this would happen. It's naive to not admit that Pope Francis believes that abortion is murder, that sex is a sin unless you're making a non-bastard baby and gay sex a double-dog sin, and that birth control is a huge no. Although he may have never spoken to Davis, at his core as the head of the Catholic Church as an institution, Francis is more in line with her beliefs than with those of the young liberals who have been praising him since his election. Pope Francis may be pulling the Catholic Church back towards values that they have always purported to hold, but he will never be the person who changes what the Church (capital C) is all about.
Thirteen years of Catholic education did a lot for me. I was presented with a constant flow of charitable opportunities, I was prayed for and supported, and I got to see the best parts of religious education. But I was also taught that my body was inherently a sin just for existing in a post-Eve world, that my friends were wrong for who they loved, and that to not believe any of that would send me straight to hell. It's the capital C/lowercase c distinction -- the community of the church versus the authority of the Church. And to pretend that Francis won't back up that capital-C every time is naive. He has every right to do so, and I have every right to be unhappy about it.
I know it's alluring to just say that he is an improvement, and that it's better than nothing, and that we can't expect thousands of years of doctrine to change overnight. I agree and I'm not asking for that. But pretending that the Catholic Church as an institution doesn't stand for what it stands for isn't realistic. Pope Francis is a man who has the potential to do a lot of good, and I wish him the best of luck. But 13 years of Sunday mass and religion class and plaid skirts means that I know that some things are too big to change, and for me pretending otherwise only leads to more disillusionment.
I am glad that Francis is bringing a return to charitable values and care for the poor. I love his focus on the environment and urging that people treat one another with respect. But those are not Francis-inherent qualities. These are biblical qualities that every single person who proclaims to be Christian should be practicing every day even if the Pope isn't making them public stories. I feel weird praising someone who represents the Catholic Church for simply practicing what he and his predecessors have been preaching for centuries. It isn't liberal to care that people are dying. It isn't revolutionary to want people to act with love before they act with hate.
I'm not an atheist. I believe in a lot of things, from the abstract to the ritual, some of which are holdovers from my Catholic upbringing. But I know the personal feeling of disappointment that comes from something you want to believe in no longer answering all your questions, and I don't want those who talk about Francis like a harbinger of change to be hit with that confusion and loss even harder than I was when I realized I couldn't support the Catholic Church and hold with all my beliefs at the same time.
I refuse to idolize Pope Francis as a revolutionary when at his core he isn't preaching love. Not really. Some people would say you can't pick and choose what parts of a religion you believe in. I would say that you also can't pick and choose when to love and accept someone. I'm tired of hearing people gush over the progressiveness of Francis and what this could mean for the Church capital C. Practicing what you preach doesn't deserve a medal. It deserves a tired sigh and a "finally," and that's all I'm up for giving it.