THE BLOG

Folly Is Joy

05/21/2015 01:58 pm ET | Updated May 20, 2016

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The near future
A man and a woman stand in a kitchen prepping food and watching a pot boil.

M: Come on babe, that's too much salt.
W: What? I barely put any in.
M: Barely? I wouldn't call that barely.
W: What do you mean?
M: I'm just saying you can be a little heavy with the salt sometimes.
W: It's just a little salt so the food will actually be edible.
M: Well maybe you should use the iPhone scale. That's what it's there for.
W: I added in half what the recipe called for!
M: Yeah but we could've just added it after it's cooked--
W: --After!? Didn't you hear Cook App? It needs to soak in for exactly 63 minutes BEFORE we cook.
M: Well Med App said I can't have more than another 32 mg of salt today or my blood pressure--
W: --Your blood pressure? Your--Look at what you're doing to my blood pressure! [She quickly swipes and taps at her iPhone as she talks and then holds it up.]
M: Oh you know I peeked your Genie app--you're not at risk for blood pressure issues.
W: You wha--
M: --Your blood pressure is 5-Apple strong--God my heart is racing! [He is looking at his iPhone. From here on out they are each always tapping away at or referring to their iPhones, especially when the other is speaking.] It's way past the pace car.
W: Good. I hope your little heart icon explodes.
M: Look at my heart rate! Jesus, my heart rate is going up just looking at what you're doing to my heart rate!
W: Enough about your heart rate! Look at my elevated stress levels!!
M: Ha! Your app doesn't measure stress properly. Stress Factor has to be calibrated by an Apple technician.
W: Well it's going up. The little green froggy thing is practically out of the pond. Its eyes are all buggy. Fuck! Cortisol! Epinephrine is being released. Oh my god my kaleidoscope of hormonal flies is strangling my frog!
M: Ohhhh...this live EKG stream...listen! It's a Kanye song...Ahhhhh--
W: --SHUT UP about your heart already! If you did all the exercises Siri told you to do it wouldn't be so damn vulnerable.
M: Wow, I do not have enough B12 in my system to deal with this right now.
W: What's B12 got to do with it? My hydration levels are only 83% optimal. You know I'm not supposed to have any confrontation unless I'm at at least 88%.
M: Well--
W: --AT LEAST. God, now I have a Sahara badge.
M: WELL apparently I'm going to have to increase my caloric intake by 1.5% today to account for this argument. And, judging by my hormone levels, I've just lost my appetite.
W: You know, I can't deal with this right now, I need to stabilize my prostaglandins if I'm gonna Siri-cise my abs. I hope you're happy. Oh, that's right, somebody's too cheap to buy Happy Appy.
[The next two lines overlap completely and then lines overlap where and to the degree appropriate thereafter.]
W: You wouldn't know.
M: Well according TO THIS
M: you've taken away 26 minutes from my sleep tonight. Ahhhh, you know I wanted to finally watch Mad Men tomorrow.
W: Well according to this--
M: --Now Deep Sheep says I won't stay awake past season two.
W: Wait, how do I get out of celebrity mode?
M: Selfish.
W: I don't want to know Beyonce's--Actually what are her serotonin levels like anyway today?
M: Hold On.
W: Oh wow. She probably just worked out.
M: I can't figure--Where? How do I get out of this graph?!
W: Yep. Ashtanga kick-boxing. Oh! Oh! Wait how do I do this? Oh! What? Oh!
M: I said HOLD ON! AHHHHHH Why Aren't The Bears Holding Numbers?? They're dancing. They're topless. But no numbers!!
W: According to this you're a fucking asshole!
M: WHAT?? Your phone can tell you that?!

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VOICE OF JONY IVE:
-Yes. But so can a watch. And with revolutionary ease.
-Arguments are hard. Get to the data you need, with the Apple Watch.
-Sport, Watch, or Edition; Apple Watches. Do you?