To all my cumberbitches,
I love you all, and cumberbless each and every one of you. But I have to get this off my chest -- I'm just a regular cumberboy. Every morning I get up from my cumberbed, eat my cumberbreakfast, cumberbrush my teeth and head to work.
But lately It's starting to really cumberbother me how a lot of you are cumberbantering about my name. I know, I have kind of an unusual name. But it's never fun to be the cumberbutt of the joke. This is in no way a new thing. I've been cumbombarded with puns my whole life. But since I became a huge actor this trend definitely got worse.
Ever since I was a cumberbaby I remember hearing people say I had an odd name. But It's not odd to me. In fact, it goes back a long time, to ancient cumberBritain. It's a very noble name that I am proud to cumberbear. If any of you find it funny or too long, I think you should keep it to yourself. It's not clever, and truthfully, it makes me want to cumberbarf.
Again, I cherish each and every one of my fans. You made me who I am today. But I just want to be able to go back home after a long day, take a nice cumberbath and have a pint of cumberbeer. You have to understand what these constant puns are doing to me. All day long I rack my cumberbrain, thinking what's going to be the next joke. How are people going to cumberbuse my name.
I really want to be nice to my fans. I don't want to be one of those actors who cumberblows off his admirers. But sometimes I get so tired because it's everywhere I go. From the teller at the cumberbank to the shoe renter guy at the cumberbowling alley. I didn't even eat a proper vegetable in a whole year because I can't step my foot at the cumber's market.
I've decide to write this letter as a hail Mary. I'm going to try and make this whole cumberbloody trend go away. And so, I'm announcing I will be holding a "Cumberbye party" on my twitter. Everyone is welcome to send all their best cumberpuns and I will retweet them all. Get it out of your system, once and for all. And together, we'll send off this stupid trend in a cumberblaze of glory.
After this, I will have zero tolerance to any name gag. I swear to god, if I see one more pun I will cumberbreak the fucking internet. That's right, that includes Tumblr!
Now, if you'll excuse me, all my british actor friends and I are going over to Loki's house to get totally Hiddlestoned.
Yours truly,
Ben.