1. If you go outside, you're 99 percent more likely to break that "drink less" New Year's resolution you made.
2. Come midnight, you're going to feel so pressured to kiss that you'll settle for anyone, and probably end up with herpes.
3. If you want to see a ball drop, you can stay home and watch a Milwaukee Bucks game.
4. You have work tomorrow, because New Year's is not a real holiday.
5. It's a short path from drinking to celebrate a new year, to drinking to celebrate a new month, and then just a Tuesday.
6. People will make fun of you when you use "Mississippi" to count down to midnight.
7. It's just not the same now that Ryan Seacrest took over.
8. Everyone else is going out, so the Wi-Fi you steal from your neighbors is going to work super fast.
9. Those 2014-shaped glasses make you look stupid.
10. You're just not excited about fireworks anymore if they're not coming out of Katy Perry's breasts.
11. If you go out, there is a good chance you'll see a naked, hairy man in a diaper going as Baby New Year's.
12. People are going to blow noisemakers in your ear. And that's if you're lucky. It could also be vuvuzelas.
13. Most bars will charge you a symbolic $2,014 cover charge.
14. The crowded places will trigger your Black Friday shopping trauma.
15. One million revelers come to Time Square to ring in the new year. You have the power to not be one of them.
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