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Orlando Jones

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Have You Been Naughty or Nice?

Posted: 12/20/11 08:59 AM ET

The end of the year is often a time we use to reflect and tally our successes and failures. Most of us do this late at night on bended knee with our head in a toilet after having drunk way too much on New Year's Eve. Hangover time is a great reflection period because you can't do anything but promise yourself you'll change. As the father to a beautiful 16-month-old daughter, this period of contemplation has taken on greater significance for me. I wonder what sort of world she'll grow up in -- 'cause we aren't in Mayberry anymore.

I tuned into the Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People of the Year special with this reflective mindset, only to find her chastising the Kardashian family. "You are famous for being famous," she said. "You don't really act; you don't sing; you don't dance. You don't have any -- forgive me -- any talent." Whether you agree with Walters or not, that's got to be tough to hear. Why did Barbara Walters pick the Kardashians in the first place? I'm sure Meryl Streep was available. She's certainly worthy, isn't she? Streep is presently lobbying the government for a museum that honors the experiences of half the American population -- women. That's really fascinating to me, but then again, I named my penis Johnny Cochran, 'cause my initials are OJ -- and he will get you off. So what do I know?

The Kardashians bounced back and traveled to Haiti, spreading holiday cheer to the children in a community still struggling from the devastating effects of the 2010 earthquake. Maybe they should all move their hit reality show(s) to Haiti and shine some light on the 364 other needy days of the year. By their own admission, it's not like they have anything better to do.

People love to hate on the Kardashians. I don't know them and I don't have any personal issues with this successful and "famous" family. In fact, I think Kris Jenner is the best no-talent manager in Hollywood. She could have turned Conrad Murray into Dr. Oz. Anyone who doesn't appreciate her ability to turn lemons into lemonade has a leaky skylight. Imagine what North Korean Leader Kim Jong Il's legacy might have been with Kris Jenner's guidance. Jong Il died this past weekend. Not much is known about this autocratic dictator but we do know he really wanted to be famous. Hollywood famous. With Kris Jenner's help, the "Dear Leader" might have been remembered as the quirky but lovable North Korean Nelson Mandela. I imagine Barbara Walters interviewing him: "Your people are starving. You don't really lead. You don't need nuclear power -- forgive me -- you need food." He would reply, "My people don't need food because they are too busy making botox. Have you ever seen a droopy-eyed North Korean?" "You make a great point. I stand corrected," Walters would reply.

But back to the important stuff -- it's about time for us to stop blaming the Kardashians for being a guilty pleasure. Making fun of someone for being who they are is kind of mean. Making fun of what they do or say is fair game. No one cares if you're nice anymore. Not Kris Jenner. Not even Kris Kringle.

The rules used to be different. If a young man slept with every girl in town he was celebrated as a player, a baller, a short-term relationship consultant aka pimp. If your sister slept with every boy in town, your family needed to move. Do those rules still apply? I don't think so. It seems, at least to me, that the double standard that used to apply to girls applies to boys now.

Naughty girls get tons of media coverage, merchandising deals and millions of dollars for "being a ho." Naughty boys go to jail. I'm glad Michael Vick didn't go to Penn State -- there's no telling what might have happened to those dogs. I'm happy to see Vick free and doing so well. He paid his debt to society. The Kim Kardashians and Kendra Wilkinsons of the world still owe.

It's hard to keep your teenage daughter from making a sex tape with her iPhone, iPad, or iMac with all those HD cameras lying around. Why wouldn't you expect her to make a sex tape? She's poised to be the Steve Jobs of porn with an apple bottom booty. After watching Kim's ten million dollar wedding broadcast on television, I imagine many young girls yelling, "Take this purity ring and shove it, Mom! You got married at the courthouse. Tonight I'm making a sex tape with Tyrone and tomorrow I'm going to be a star."

Men are not going to be the solution to this problem. We watch sex tapes and pay girls named Chocolate Spider to dance on tables. So don't look to us for help on this one. When I hear women complain about the Kardashians I can't help but think, "it's your fault, sister." Men don't care. We will exchange anything for sex: drugs, cars, houses, roles in movies, haircuts. We will accept sex in exchange for sex. If you meet a woman who says, "I will give you some of this kitty cat if you get that old kitty cat out of your house," we will make that deal. That's how stupid men are.

I was one of those guys. I still am one of those guys. It's in me. Maybe it's simply part of being a man, like the pull my finger fart trick. Either way, I'm a father now. My daughter is easily the best work Johnny Cochran has ever done. When I see my little one in diapers I yell, "put some clothes on! Stop running 'round this house half naked with your sippy cup." I'm starting early. She's already obsessed with this jackass named Elmo. I don't trust this dude at all. He creeps me out with his high voice and maniacal giggle.

Any boy that dates my daughter will be tossed a bullet as they enter my home. When the boy asks, "what's this for?" I will explain to him that if anything happens to my daughter he may have caught the first bullet but I guarantee he won't catch the next one.

I'm trying to pave a new path and reality for my daughter and tell her the truth. If my daughter is "famous for being famous," I will tell her what my mother told me, "I brought you in this world and I will take you out." If my scare tactics don't work, rest assured, I will be calling Kris Jenner.

Let's keep the conversation going --

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