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New Cigarette Packaging Kills Upon Purchase

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Last month, the FDA approved new cigarette packaging that displays graphic images of tobacco victims as a way to deter cigarette smoking. This month, the FDA took it one step further, embedding plastic explosives into cigarette cartons.

Cigarette packaging is now lined with PE4, a plastic explosive like C4 but with greater detonation velocity. The explosives are activated when the plastic covering of the cigarette package is torn, which results in horrific injury or death.

"The new packaging is intended to protect people from the harmful effects of smoking," said Erica Jefferson, FDA spokesperson. "Killing active and potential smokers will save lives, increase life expectancy, and lower medical costs."

Some question the logic of using lethal explosives as a way to promote healthy practices.

"I saw a teenager blown to smithereens the other day," said a Chicago resident outside of a convenience store carrying the new cigarette cartons.

"Well, he was underage," responded Ms. Jefferson. "He shouldn't have been smoking anyway."

Early reports show that smoking prevalence has increased following the release of the new packages. Cigarette companies are also reporting record sales and deaths.

"We're ecstatic," said Philip Morris CEO Louis Camilleri. "About the sales, not the deaths. The deaths prevent repeat business."

Originally featured in the Daily Pygmy.