You're too old. Too fat. Too out of shape. Too scared.
You're going to fail. You're going to get hurt. You're never going to finish, so why try? You'll never manage the obstacles, especially on your own. Just give up. Is it really worth the embarrassment of failing?
What if you can't manage to do it at all? What if you can't hack it? How humiliating! What if you can't make it through, or have to quit, or God forbid, hurt yourself and end up having to be hauled away in one of those stupid medical carts?
You're already in so much pain -- dry socket hurts enough without panting for breath in a run! What are you, insane?!
All of that and more was going through my mind as the date for Muckfest Denver 2016 drew nearer and nearer. You see, I am a fat girl. I am a girl who struggles with my sense of self, my self-confidence and self-esteem. I struggle with my body. Over the last six years, I have dropped over 200 pounds and have the resultant saggy skin, droopy arms, knees and hips that come along with such massive amounts of weight lost. And at only five feet tall... well, that's a lot of body to be self-conscious about!
I'd never done a 5k (or even just a 1k!), and I'd certainly never participated in a Mudder or mud run before -- let alone combining the two at the same time! As the days progressed, I couldn't understand what had possessed me to sign up for this fiasco waiting to happen.
I had completely talked myself out of it. I had absolutely ZERO intention of driving the nearly two hours down to Parker, CO on the morning of July 16 to participate in #MuckFest.
Zip. Zilch. Nada.
And yet when 6:30 a.m. rolled around that morning, I found myself fumbling my way out of bed, hunting up clothing that I'd feel comfortable getting dirty in but also comfortable enough to be active in and... away I went.
Though my body may not be in Playboy shape, that doesn't mean that it won't get me through anything I ask it to.
The entire drive was a repeat of the litany above. And to that naysayer, that doubter, that disbeliever, I want to say a big screw you, especially as the worst unbeliever of all was me -- inside my own mind.
Not only did I attempt that course, I completed it. I finished every single obstacle, from the mounds of mud you had to climb, from inside a three-foot deep pit of muddy water, to the giant balls meant to knock you face-first into the mud, the wall-climb and the leap of faith off a platform over five feet into the air into a freestanding pool of muddy water -- even the swinging obstacles, where you had to rely on your arms (my weakest part!) to hold on to a ring or rope to get you over the pit of mud.
I did it. I completed it. I finished it. I got down, and dirty, and covered with mud from head to toe. And I rang that bell, rubbed that golden duck, and flexed happily at the finish line.
I proved a lot to myself that afternoon. I proved that I am NOT too old or too fat. That while yes, I have anxiety in crowds, that doesn't mean I have to let it stop me. I learned that though my body may not be in Playboy shape, that doesn't mean that it won't get me through anything I ask it to -- at least so far! I accomplished things I never thought I'd be able to do -- and realized that I actually want to do them again!
The last thing I learned was probably the most important message that I needed to teach myself.
For the last 14 years, I have despised my body, especially the way I looked. I would look at pictures like these below and think, Ugh. Look at the way the loose skin on my arms dangle. Disgusting. And my hips and stomach... the way they flop down. Even my knees droop over themselves. Gross. Fat. Ugly. Unappealing. Disgusting!
But somehow, after finishing #MuckFest on that bright summer afternoon, for once I am absurdly proud of my dangling arms and sagging hips, my drooping knees and floppy belly pouch skin.
I no longer see: Ugh, you used to weigh over 400 pounds, and your body sucks, and it's ugly and disgusting!.
Instead, I see: You lost over 200 pounds! You worked your ass off... LITERALLY! You are half the size of what you used to be... and lost more than an entire person's worth of weight! Of course you have saggy skin! And now, you have muscles in place of flab!
You are never too old. You are never too fat. You are never too afraid. So what if you fail? You'll get up and try again.
I began looking at myself, at my life, at everything I had accomplished in the last six years. And for the first time ever, I looked at myself and felt pride instead of shame.
Facing my fears on Saturday, and completing that mud run, especially after my teammates had to cancel for various reasons, leaving me entirely on my own, was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do -- and has become one of the things I'm most proud of having ever accomplished.
I learned a lot about myself while crawling, swimming and climbing my way through that Muckfest obstacle course: that I am worth fighting for. That I am strong enough, brave enough -- just... enough. It is an amazing thing to finally reach that moment of self-enlightenment and realize that I am enough!
You are never too old. You are never too fat. You are never too afraid. So what if you fail? You'll get up and try again. If you get hurt, well... some things you just can't avoid, but is that fear really worth missing out? NO! And even in massive amounts of pain, you can accomplish great things. All you have to do... is try!
I am so glad that I tried. And this time, I succeeded... at far more than I had bargained for.