Well, where do I start? At the very beginning, I guess -- a time when boarding a Boeing meant style, class, and glamour! A time when I was merely starting out as an international air hostess, unaware of what my life was about to become: G-A-Y!
Once upon a time, I thought a simple chignon was enough and that a Pucci neck scarf did the trick, but no! It wasn't until I was hijacked by drag queens, who transformed me into a living, breathing, pimped-out air hostess called Pam Ann, that things really started to take off (pardon the pun).
Without the gays I would not be here today. They created me! Yes -- they created this hot mess, and they are responsible for me now. I am like their life-size, voluptuous, foul-mouthed air hostess Pam Ann Barbie. And I love them for it!
I feel so grateful to my gays, and I feel so lucky to live in a gay world. (By the way, I have never been to a straight club in my entire life.) Gays are like an assorted chocolate box of fabulous. I have gays to do my hair, apply my makeup, design my uniforms, give me emotional support. They are the only ones who can tell you, "You have lipstick on your teeth." I live my life like a gay man; I'm gayer than a gay man. I make Samantha from Sex and the City look redundant.
They say New York City never sleeps. Well, the gays never sleep, either, and this bitch is tired. You think a back-to-back N.Y.-to-Sydney is tiring? Try back-to-back Splash and Box nightclubs -- exhausting!
Thank god my job as an international air hostess allows me to work with gays every day. Nothing beats a gay flight attendant. They just know! Their uniform is tighter and sexier, they are super anal, every headrest is precise, the cabin is sprayed with Tom Ford cologne. They are all ex-choreographers, their wings on their jackets are put on with military precision, and they know good wines and champagnes and how to carve a chateaubriand and welcome a passenger onboard and make it look like they mean it. They love to do the safety demonstration (most are ex-drag-queens who love a show); it's all about the lighting, design over safety. They are so passionate about the airline they work for that they live and breathe it. Oh, and they are the only ones leaving the aircraft with the clickety clack of stolen miniatures in their crew bags! Trust me, I went to a gay British Airways flight attendant's house once, and you should have seen all the specially selected British Airways wine he had in the cellar. "We fly to serve"? More like, "We fly to rob."
I have done my fair share of sashaying through a terminal building, but I learnt this from the gays. They can sashay like no one else, navigating through passengers without missing a beat. They avoid any passengers trying to get their attention by clicking their heels and gesturing that they have no time, and they keep moving -- flawless! Oh, and you will never see a gay flight attendant in coach! Well, you might, but they are not happy about it!
Once your life is spent in the incredible, Willy Wonka world of the gays, it is so incredibly hard for a straight man to live up to them. I am destined to marry a gay man and have kids with lesbians. I can get the sex online, and I would much prefer to live with a gay man any day!
Pam Ann plays the Triad Theatre in New York City every Thursday in February. For tickets and more details, click here. For more upcoming tour dates, visit her official website.
Check out some of Pam Ann's favorite moments:
