We were sitting on our sex therapist's couch when the words came tumbling out... "It'd be really hot if we made love on a beach." I went on to explain to my husband that I felt a certain freedom and power when I was in nature and that having sex outside the bedroom had some allure to me. And then my face turned bright red.
Though Salt 'N' Pepa had been telling me for years to "talk about sex, baby," it really wasn't a conversation that I felt comfortable initiating. Not only did talking about sex make me feel embarrassed, but the mismatch in desire between us over the years had created so much tension that I couldn't figure out how to start a conversation without sliding down the slippery slope to anger and resentment.
But something clicked after that discussion in our sex therapist's office. What if instead of being worried about what could go wrong with the conversation, or whether my partner would be interested in doing any of the things that appeal to me, what if I could just give myself permission to think deeply about what I really wanted, and then actually say it out loud?
Later that week, I had a lively discussion with girlfriends who all confirmed they too had issues starting fun and perspective-changing discussions about sex with their partners. So we decided to brainstorm ways of making that happen and here are a few ideas we came up with:
- Swap Sex Stories. Ask this question to your partner: "Tell me about an exciting sexual encounter. What made it so memorable?" You can Mad-Libs the adjectives here to get different types of stories... what was your "hottest" or "fulfilling" or "dirtiest" encounter, etc.
Remember those late night conversations that mark the early stages of a new relationship? The ones that seem to mysteriously disappear over time? Well dear readers, I can tell you from experience that the ideas above sparked evenings of deep discussion with my husband. And in each conversation, we discovered something new, intriguing and/or surprising about each other, resulting in a level of intimacy and excitement we hadn't felt since our original courtship decades ago.
Fast forward a few months, and we were celebrating our fifteenth wedding anniversary on a private beach. Suffice it to say, we solidly recreated the iconic "From Here to Eternity" scene and my fantasy is no longer just a fantasy. Amazing results for what started as such a simple statement to my partner, right?
"Wait, that's it?" Transformation takes time, so I'm intentionally sharing in bite-sized doses that reflect my experience over the last year. I'd love to hear your questions and thoughts, let's continue the conversation in the comments section below. Or visit my blog at downtothere.com