Panicked Parents' Preschool Application

10/29/2010 06:39 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011
  • Pamela Alma Weymouth Pamela Alma Weymouth is a humorist, writer, live storyteller.

Child/Children's Full Name:

Aidan Hope-Sunshine & Quinn Calm Lake (twins)

Preferred form of Address:

Sunshine and Calm (While our surname is legally Smith, we have adopted Hope-Sunshine and Paz Lake as love-names because we believe this more accurately describes our sons' dispositions.)

Age as of Fall 2011 semester:

3.5 in the fall of 2010.

Sex: M/F/Transgender/Hermaphrodite/Other

Our sons were born male, but both are in touch with their feminine side. They enjoy cooking, wrestling and vigorous debate ("That's mine!" "I had it first!")

Because your school "gender balances," should you have M/F openings or F/F openings sooner than M/M openings we are open to cross-dressing our sons.

Sunshine and Lake learned an appreciation for different sexual orientations from our diverse neighborhood, the Castro. The other day, when we passed two naked men sporting only flip-flops and backpacks, Lake remarked, "Mama, did someone forget to do laundry today?"

Applying for Grade:

Preschool/Kindergarten/P.H.D. (Precocious. Hyper-insightful. Deep.)

How was your family formed?

We attempted to form our family in the traditional manner: We met. We had sex. We had sex again. And again.

When this failed, we found ourselves part of an invisible and oppressed minority: Middle Class Infertile Couples who put careers and galavanting before their fertility clock. We hired a specialist who washed our family sperm and inserted the most advanced swimmers into our hormone-pumped-eggs. $35,000 later our twins were born.

What skills or interests might you share with our school community? (Many parents join committees in their free-time!)

Because we feel that moving to the suburbs, selling our home, and table-dancing to afford the $22,250 per year, per child, tuition is not enough, we'd like to donate our body parts for the advancement of the children's scientific advancement. Each of us is willing to donate one limb provided we can afford a car with disability access. (This would actually make us both "Disabled" which would increase our diversity factor, look great in catalogues and allow us to access your disabled parking spot!)

With what ethnic group, political party or oppressed minority do you and your child affiliate?
Caucasian/Latino/African American/Native American/Gay/Lesbian/Transgender/Queer? (Our school takes pride in it's diversity profile. While we do not discriminate on the basis of race/ethnicity/sexual orientation we do fill slots so as to race and gender balance.)

Although our family might appear to be Caucasian, our ancestors hail from a wide swath of oppressed peoples: Scotsmen fleeing British tyranny, French women deprived of bread by insensitive royals, and Pilgrims who planted corn with Native-American tribes here at home. Although we cannot verify the Native connection, we have noticed that several family members have straight black hair, have an affinity for turquoise jewelry and on both sides of the family there is a fondness for saunas, which some consider a form of sweat lodge.

Child's First Language, second language etc.:

We have been tutoring the boys in sign language, Swahili, and Ket, an obscure language spoken only in Central Siberia.

Household 1 Address: XX Street, SF, CA 94XXX

Household 2: N/A

Country Home/Commune/Yert/Other: We are saving up for a Yert.

Home Phone: (415) XXX-XXXX Cell Phone: (415) XXX-XXXX


What makes you interested in The Peppy Preschool For Panicked Parents ?

The fact that Peppy offers advanced algebra makes it clear that you do not condescend to preschoolers but recognize their innate sophistication. Furthermore, we appreciate your offerings of Tai Chi, Haiku writing, and Javanese architecture.

Moreover, the fact that your school is built out of hemp and that the snakes in your animal farm are encouraged to follow a vegan diet of tofu (in the shape of mice) further suggests a belief in ecological sustainability.

Finally, the school trip to the local prison seems the perfect way to instill fear and awe in the minds of children who sometimes show a lack of gratitude for all that we do to ensure their future success.

To what other schools are you applying on behalf of your progeny?

Although Peppy is our first choice, we have applied to every other private preschool in the greater metropolitan area, because we failed to apply in-utero (as your catalogue recommends.)

Describe your child and why he/she is a good fit for our program:

Both of our sons exhibit early signs of genius. Each time Sunshine spits his oatmeal into my face at six a.m and shrieks, "It's cold Mama!" I am amazed by his ability to form complete sentences. As I wipe the pee from my right eye at 6:30 a.m. I am amazed by Lake's ability to aim his penis at such an angle as to completely miss the potty and instead hit my good eye.

Sunshine reveals special manual dexterity: he has just learned to open child-proofed gates that astound guests over the age of forty.

Lake shows a lawyerly predisposition: he can talk his way out of almost any problem. "I'm sooooo thirsty and I'm bleeding. I can't go bed 'cuz I need a Band-Aid. Look blood!"

Anything else you would like to mention?

Although we love our children dearly, if they do not get into your school one of us (the mother) will end up trapped at home while toddlers systematically destroy all traces of previously constructed order.

The idea of spending the rest of my days picking up dirty Thomas the Train underwear, washing dishes and saying things like, "We don't fight, we share," kills me. When Sunshine bites Lake, leaving behind little tooth-marks I will then be forced to hand out Band-Aids, which are in low supply because no one has had time to go to the store, because we've been too busy arguing, folding laundry, removing stains, paying bills, unloading the dishwasher and trying to recuperate from the latest disease the children have brought home.

Mr. Smith claims that if the children don't go to preschool that he will suffer too, (not because of his great compassion) but because if I am cranky he will never hear the end of it.

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