I've found that most people, despite being in an unloving and unhappy marriage, will avoid considering divorce as an option because they believe it will be harmful to their children. I believe the opposite is true -- that they are actually doing more damage to their children by staying together.
It's a well known fact that children need love, nurturing, safety, security and structure in their lives. While initially divorce can disrupt a child's foundation of security and structure, the long term effects of divorce aren't necessarily bad. If handled properly, divorce can actually have a positive effect on a child's emotional growth.
Let's break this down. Children need love. They need love given directly to them from their parents but they also need to be brought up in a family environment filled with love. Even if two parents love the children directly but are unloving towards each other, it ends up being detrimental to the children. Why? Because children are extremely sensitive -- more than most people may know -- and will pick up on the dynamics of their parents relationship and internalize it. How each parent behaves with the other within a marriage sets the stage for how their children will eventually relate in their own marriage. The emotional energy that the parents exude towards each other, conscious or unconscious, directly impacts their children's future. This emotional imprint is much more powerful than most people realize.
If the parents choose to divorce because they lack emotional, physical or spiritual intimacy and joy, they are setting a positive example for their children to prioritize what is truly important in their future adult partnerships. It shows children that as an adult, they don't have to settle and remain stuck in a loveless marriage. If the two parents still provide the child love, nurturing, safety, security and structure within their separate environments, the child will flourish. In most cases the children aren't going to like the change and they are still going to need some intervention to help adjust. However, this adjustment process is a piece of cake compared to healing any emotional issues from their parents marriage that might plague this child throughout their life.
Having the courage and strength to exit an unloving marriage allows each parent the opportunity to find authentic happiness. As each parent finds and expresses their happiness, the children are then able to benefit from their parents' positive emotional energy. The divorcing parents are, in fact, doing the right thing for their children. Children then end up learning from their role models the importance of love and joy in life -- and in this case, a marriage.
Please note that I'm not implying that two people should divorce as soon as one or both are unhappy. They absolutely should do whatever it takes to work things out. If they have done their best and they simply can't find love and happiness together, then they need to move on. There's no need to feel guilty about how the divorce will impact their children as long as they handle it in an emotionally mature manner.
Two parents staying together strictly for the sake of the children set standards that are no longer acceptable in today's age. It's time to set a new standard of positive, loving and joyful examples of relationships and marriages. Sometimes, divorce is the only means by which this can be achieved.
Pamela Dussault, creator of PassageToInnerJoy.com, is a soul mate relationship specialist, founder of the R.E.A.P. healing method, spiritual teacher, mentor, intuitive counselor and author.
This hypothesis, if validated by evidence, would help justify women's remarkable propensity to evict partners and strip children of fit and loving fathers in order to pursue their personal emotional fulfillment. Unfortunately, the evidence shows that children do not benefit from divorces initiated simply because the mother thinks she could do better. Only in high-conflict marriages is divorce preferable to having both parents living together, from the point of view of what is best for kids.
In short, the idea that kids benefit when mom seeks divorce because her spouse isn't making her happy enough is a myth. When mothers divorce -- most divorces are not mutual choices but are unilateral decisions forced on other family members by mothers -- they are, in fact, more than doubling their children’s chances of suffering from a host of ailments, from depression and suicide to teen pregnancy and drug abuse. How is that a positive example? (They also increase their children’s chances of themselves divorcing someday.)
Writers like this one would do well to try to learn a little about the subject before spreading toxic misconceptions. She could start here: http://sf.oxfordjournals.org/content/73/3/895.short
Putting your family first doesn't mean sacrificing your happiness forevermore to stay in a situation simply because society tells you you're "selfish" to leave it. How ridiculous. It's laughable really. I see messed up kids with married parents just as often as messed up kids with divorced parents. If kids are loved, supported, given healthy boundaries and self esteem, they will blossom. If the parents "suck it up" and teach them that life is about sacrificing their happiness for the sake of appearances and duty, that's backward.
From my parents remarriages, by the way, I was given 5 baby half sisters and a half brother, 3 on each side. We grew up as family, and all call each other siblings. Each one is happy, normal, kind, ambitious, and responsible. Even though they also "survived" divorce much later in their childhoods. So, there are 7 real life examples, at least. :)
Last thought- why do we label a marriage as a "failure" simply because it has a natural ending point? Just because something changed or grew or didn't last forever...that doesn't make it a tragedy. I find that mentality so confusing.
I have two daughters and when I do not like the way my husband is speaking to me or treating me, I'll tell him so and explain to him that I don't want our daughters to think its okay. He usually agrees with me, though I will say we have been going through a really rough patch the past 2 years with his back being injured and me having cancer. The happy moments are few and far between, there is not cuddling, there is no joy between us.
Also, I am experienced in how emotional energy works - both negatively and positively - and while there is no real scientific proof (yet) about this, I and others who work similarly have witnessed a dramatic difference in how children are affected when a parent (preferably both) either holds guilt or shame in their energy about their choices (negative impact) or doesn't (positive impact). So, guilt and shame hurt everyone involved. Of course, this isn't meant to shirk any kind of responsibility for mistakes that may have been made - divorce or otherwise - it simply means that once acknowledgement of a mistake has been made, one can make corrections. Holding guilt and shame is a condition that doesn't correct the mistake but instead perpetuates the energy of it for everyone close to this person to feel - especially sensitive children (who may, by the way, end up "taking it on" thinking that the guilt and shame is theirs)
I hope this helps you and thank you for taking time to read
My favorite stupid divorce statement is "Your daddy and I don't love each other anymore, but we will always love YOU."
Yeah, that's REAL reassuring to the rational mind of a child!
It is just another liberal way of rationalizing a divorce.
Children do not "spring back" easily at all and often are damaged for life as a result of a divorce. When a child is young, THE most important thing in their life is that their parents are together.
It makes me sick to see articles like this; not really caring about children but about "grown ups" instead.
I agree with almost everything you said except for your slanderous reference to liberals. It screams your lack of character.
The real commitment to stay married dissolved amid the new psychology.
I am one example of this and live with the daily realization that my children suffered from divorce (and still do even though they are grown) and now there is nothing I can do about it. I wish somebody would have punched me in the nose and said, "You fool, think about what you are doing to them." instead of, "Oh, don't worry, they will be fine."
It is the wrong message to give parents that their children will be OK after divorce because they won't be.