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One Breakthrough Idea That Every Woman Should Know About Sex

03/04/2016 04:01 am ET | Updated Mar 04, 2016
  • Pamela Madsen Sexuality and Relationship Coach For Women, Author, Founder, Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women

What if I could give you one breakthrough idea to completely change how you feel about sex? Could that possibly happen? Not a technique -- just one idea that I believe could shift your relationship with sex forever if you choose to practice it. That's right. We practice ideas just like we practice any other skill. Practicing is important to changing our perspective.

Ready? Here it is:

It doesn't matter how you look during sex. Sex is all about how you feel.

We are all cultured into this idea that to have great sex or to be desirable we have to look a certain way. We are constantly fed messages about what a sexy body image looks like, and most women spend a tremendous amount of time and money on their quest to have an amazing sex life focused in the wrong place. Instead of focusing on how they feel on the inside during sex, they spend all of their energy trying to conform to a particular beauty standard that they believe will lead them to the right partner and the sex of their dreams.

As hard as it is to believe, orgasms and sensual pleasure do not depend on a number on a scale, or even your age. Repeat after me: "Extraordinary sex is not an external event, it's an internal event." The problem is that we stay so focused on the external that we cannot relax internally.

Great sex is dependent on our ability to "let go."

But how can you let go if you are holding in your stomach? How can you have great sex if you think you're not "lover ready" until you lose 20 pounds? Women stop partihttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/pamela-madsen/self-pleasuring-tips_b_8770274.htmlcipating in feeling erotic because they are constantly working on "getting ready" to be sexual. There is no way that you can have the sex of your dreams while you are completely distracted by observing your body instead of being present to being "in" your body.

Tips For Practicing:

1. Do what makes you feel sexy and it's okay if that has something to do with your appearance. I know, ironic isn't it? To be honest, I FEEL sexy in thigh-high black stockings. I put them on for me, and it it turns on my fabulous lover. But putting on what I call "intentional clothing" has a turn-on effect for me. Dancing makes me feel sexy. Taking long showers turns me on. Find out what makes YOU feel sexy and do it.

2. Let yourself off the hook and create a "Pleasure Plan." When was the last time you dedicated some time for yourself, simply to bring some pleasure into your life?

3. Take a stab at self-pleasuring. When was the last time you spent some quality time being a lover to yourself. Self-pleasuring is a wonderful opportunity for you to experiment with what feels good to you without feeling watched, or like you have to perform in any way.

Notice your thought patterns. Where are your pleasure zones? Is it always radiating from the outside in? When we can tune into what makes us feel erotic from the inside out, we can become a magnet for the sensual. Remember our relationship with the sensual is an evolution and always changing, just like our bodies!

We will never be "perfect," so stop letting perfection be the gate keeper of your pleasure.

If you practice this idea, you'll be able to let internal pleasure and satisfaction be the consistent guiding forces in your sexual expression.

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