Beyond 'Happily Ever After': 16 Tips For Keeping Desire Alive

06/22/2015 06:04 am ET | Updated Jun 22, 2016

What if "Happily Ever After After" was boring and didn't come "naturally"?

Have you noticed that nothing ever comes after "Happily Ever After" in fairy tales? And monotony works fabulously for lots of people and yet the biggest problem couples and individuals have is the loss of desire.

You can want to desire someone and you can really desire to desire someone, but if the air has been sucked out -- the flame will die. It's hard to rekindle wet wood, but you can if you decide to put some effort into your relationship and let go of some relationship myths.

The best way to live an erotic life and be an erotic couple is to ride the roller coaster of life and not be frightened of conflict and negotiation.

Sex is about coming together and coming apart. Vitality is about the nature of the push and pull. Resistance and Relaxation. The in breath and the out breath.

Many of us love the sameness and the stability of relationship -- we crave that. And then we crave something else: freedom. The truth is that there can be a tremendous amount of freedom within the boundaries of an erotic couple. From Plato to Anasis Nin to Esther Perel. The messages are the same. Love. Not too close and not too far away. Don't be proud of never fighting in a relationship -- it may simply bring monotony.

Bring in all the flavors of life. And don't be frightened of rocking the boat. Make love both hard and soft: your life force energy depends on it.

16 Tips For After "Happily Ever After"

1. Don't be frightened of fighting. Most squabbles, confrontations, fights and disruptions are just that. People can say really awful things to each other and even to others about their beloveds, when they are in the heat of things. Even people who really love each other and want to be in each other's lives. Really. It's just human. Does it have to be a deal breaker? Or can it be an erotic re-charge? What if you choose your relationship and each other over the disagreement, no matter how big and hot and awful it was? Can you love each other anyway and just leave it? People who love each other forever can do this.

2. Never underestimate the value of kissing someone good morning or good night. Or asking how your partner's day went. Yes, I know -- it's so traditional right? But these simple loving gestures speak volumes. You are precious to me and I care. I want to hear about your day. I want to kiss you when I open my eyes. I want to hold you for a minute before we sleep. No matter what happens between you during the day, there will always be this.

3. Understand that relationships come with expectations and commitments. You might really need to go to that dinner that you don't want to go to. Try to smile. You partner may really need you to do certain things for them so that they feel loved, adored and cherished. You might not love it all or feel like it. But if you want in, you may need to offer each other gifts that are not always comfortable or fun for you. You might even have to give up stuff for each other. Get over it. Relationships come with obligations and it's so worth it.

4. Give presents. Do the unexpected. Surprise each other. Is it the loving sexy text during the day? Or maybe buying his favorite cookies at the store? Surprises do not have to be big to be fabulous. It's amazing how offering up a bit of a loving surprise can keep the heat burning.

5. Say "I love you" a lot and often. No one gets tired of hearing that. Use endearments. Sprinkle that sugar everywhere. The days are long and life is challenging. Sometimes you can even end a disagreement with these three words.

6. Don't pick on each other in public. Don't make each other the butt of a joke on front of people. When we use the phrase "at each other's expense" that is real. Every time you turn someone into your punch line, you are paying out of their self-esteem. Don't do it.

7. Help each other. Whether it is taking on some work, or simply cheerleading. How can you help each other when one of you gets overwhelmed? Try "I love you" or taking on some of the work. Yes, do the dishes.

8. Have each other's backs. Do not tolerate people talking badly about your partner -- ever. I don't care how small it is. This is a zero tolerance zone. If your partner can't count on you to defend them -- who can they trust?

9. Respond to communications. If your partner texts you, calls you, or sends up smoke signals, please respond. Hit reply. If you don't' have time to really respond, let them know! That takes a minute! There is nothing worse then writing to your significant other and not having them acknowledge you in any way. Selective ignoring doesn't work either. Talk about a drama builder. And if your partner needs you, they should come first.

10. Offer gratitude. Do you say "Thank you" and can you say "Thank you" in a more loving way than "Thank you"? Love and relationship maintenance often needs more than simple niceties, but if that is all you have in that moment, do that. But how can you offer gratitude to your partner for their love, attention, and commitment? Do you offer appreciation for their efforts to support your life? Do you ever offer love tokens publicly? Take inventory in how you acknowledge each other's efforts. Appreciate each other privately and publicly.

11. Share your extracurricular plans with your significant other. Don't hide stuff like meeting an old flame for a drink, a business trip, or even meeting a friend after work for dinner. Sure, you should do all these things, but if you don't share your plans how can they make plans of their own? When you don't share your plans it can feel like "sneaking around" and that can become a "trust issue". And if you don't come home as expected, maybe they might worry that aliens have abducted you!

12. Do not be one of those couples fighting in the hotel lobby and spitting at each other on a cruise. Just don't fight or talk about difficult stuff when you travel together or take vacations. Travel and vacations are filled with unexpected stress as it is. Nothing ever goes as expected. Leave it and love each other through it. Don't talk about the taxes, the funky business deal, or the old flame. No blaming over missed airline connections. Keep distractions out. If you feel the big fight coming on -- walk away from it and instead say: "You know I love you, right?" and bring out the "I'm sorry".

13. Kiss a lot. Deep kisses, kisses on the forehead, little pecks on the lips. Hold hands when you walk down the street. Wait for each other even if your significant other is taking too long and you are getting restless. Don't walk ahead. Open doors.

14. Have sex. Make love. Touch each other. Make room for intimacy. Go on a sex adventure.

15. Give each other your attention and presence. Don't text with friends or play with social media when you are having a date or special time together.

16. Choose love.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

6 Kissing Tips