Is Internet Dating the Death of Romance?
Everyone is internet dating. Except me. My reasons for this are many, including still being bruised from a recent break-up and knowing from experience that I never find love when I am actively looking for it. It has to creep up and surprise me.
But my main reason for resisting the urge to internet date is my feeling that it drains romance of all its... romance. Even worse, it turns romance into a commodity. When you post photos of yourself and wax witty on the "five things you can't live without" or "your most embarrassing moment," you effectively reinvent yourself as a product -- to be reviewed, assessed for quality, and either purchased or passed over. You, in turn, shop for mates the way you might shop for used furniture on eBay, weighing age, appearance, stability, and likelihood to last.
I have a friend who is an internet dating addict, and over a recent lunch, she listed the pros and cons of potential boyfriends with a pragmatism that was simply depressing. It was all market analysis, no poetry.
Beyond my own personal mooniness, I'm starting to think that internet dating has reduced all of our chances of real life romantic encounters. Because everyone is on the internet, daters are becoming lazy -- or perhaps bashful, from lack of experience -- about approaching potential partners in person.
Case in point: I was recently at a work party where a colleague I hardly knew seemed to be checking me out. We made eyes all night, but no conversation. A couple days later, my friend the dating addict asked me if I knew him; it turns out he was chatting her up online and had mentioned his place of employment. I couldn't help but think that something was wrong here. Instead of pursuing the girl he thought was cute at the party (let's just assume this is true, for the sake of argument), he was pursuing the girl he thought was cute on his computer screen. Since when did two dimensions become more attractive than three? What ever happened to chemistry? Flirtation? Body language? Pick-up lines?
Perhaps it's old-fashioned of me to hold the man solely responsible for making the approach, but isn't it likely that in the age before internet dating -- and after arranged marriages -- this guy would have struck up a conversation? Back then, it was sink or swim: if you didn't ask for a phone number, you'd never see someone again. These days, you have the option of forsaking the crowd for the comfort of your own computer, where you can go girl-shopping in peace. (Yes, personal ads have existed for a long time, but they used to be only for weirdos.) Internet dating marks the decline of what I'd like to call the Romantic Era, when love was somewhat left to chance, and people got butterflies in their stomachs, not messages in their inbox.
I'm sure that all the happy couples out there who met online would counter with something like, "It doesn't matter how you meet. Falling in love is still romantic." That's probably true, and I may be missing out on my next great love because of my outdated notions or misplaced purism. Or perhaps my next great love is missing out on me because he is too shy to sidle up and ask if I'd like another beer.
The Romance of Recession - Dating Is on the Rise - NYTimes.com
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good headline. I'm sure it was good for lots of blog reads. but you are missing the point. where is the romance in going to bars to pick people up? the romance takes place after the initial picking up in that scenario, as it does when you meet somebody on match dot com. if you wanted to write a legitimate blog or non-fiction book on "where the romance was lost," I believe that it would not start at the computer keyboard or a Web site.
did you think the "writing" aspect of computer dating ended with your online profile? that is a gross misconception. how do you think people communicate once they've been "nudged"? in my experience, it is very smart to e-mail back and forth a few times before picking up the phone. then a few phone calls before the infamous "coffee meeting."
writing love letters by e-mail may be different than penning them in ink on linen paper. but not that different. it's still the mesage that counts, despite the chosen medium. (McLuhan wasn't wrong about this, he just didn't anticipate the expanded context of an Internet world)
so if you were willing to endure the discomfort of composing that online profile (not all that much different than a career curriculum vitae) and got yourself nudged, then you'd find out where romance comes to effect in Internet dating. and perhaps you'd discover something altogether new about the essence of romance.
Romance :(dictionary.com)
1. a novel or other prose narrative depicting heroic or marvelous deeds, pageantry, romantic exploits, etc., usually in a historical or imaginary setting.
2. the colorful world, life, or conditions depicted in such tales.
3. a medieval narrative, originally one in verse and in some Romance dialect, treating of heroic, fantastic, or supernatural events, often in the form of allegory.
4. a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration or fanciful invention.
5. a romantic spirit, sentiment, emotion, or desire.
6. romantic character or quality.
7. a romantic affair or experience; a love affair.
My husband and I did meet online. I get butterflies every time I glance at him across the room, every time I see his smile light up his face, every time he tells me I'm beautiful and he loves me and is willing to make our dreams come true and has a proven track record of doing so. We definitely have #5,6 and 7 going on (he truly is the love of my life!) And I would never have met him without the internet.
I have my true love, the man who make my heart sing, who writes me poetry, who adores me and shares my values, interests and goals in life, who is the real deal, not a pretender after the spark of a single night.
I did the Match.com route three times, and they all worked out badly. The Internet takes out the dynamics of organic life and leaves you, as the writer says, with a commodity. My final attempt ended after a six-month relationship with a woman who was determined that we SHOULD love each other. We didn't, and no amount of compatible details could change that.
I finally decided that the only real amusement offered by Internet "dating" was amateur anthropology.
I'm a 50 y/o widower of 2 years. Read that again, and tell me what my online dating prospects are. I had a horrible experience with online dating, so bad that I rethought the whole desire to date. The upside is, in real life, all the dates I've been on where initiated by the women. Women in my age group for the most part have come to realize that attraction is a 2 way street. It always makes me smile to see an attractive woman crossing a room, and to know she's coming for me.
Your dating prospects are just as good as a 50 y/o divorced person of 2 years (ie: me). In fact they're somewhat better, because you've demonstrated the toughness of self to stick by your mate her whole life long. Try again: you might prefer to try a different web service (some are more geared for hooking up, others for long term relationships), rework your web page, have a friend or 2 review it with you, go out with wimmen with no expectations than just having a pleasant dinner. Practice makes perfect.
And - When in Doubt, Make Out!
"Perhaps it's old-fashioned of me to hold the man solely responsible for making the approach"
Yes, it is. It might also be an indication of low self-esteem. If you are too passive to meet men half-way, that's your choice, but don't complain about the quality of partners you're forced to settle for.
It's not low self esteem. It's scary no matter who you are approaching a complete stranger you dig. And when you have the excuse of not having to do it -- as women do-- they quite naturally opt not to do it. Except they no longer have that excuse given that gender differences and roles have been deemed an artificial "construct." But when the rubber hits the road, such thinking always takes a back seat. Especially when the waiter shows up with the bill. So that's why online is so popular. No rejection, no awkward small talk, no embarrassing silences, no gender role confusion, no waiter showing up with the bill etc.
Even the trolls blessed with physical beauty can word lie about who and what they are or what they claim to want or need. Nothing like a face to face, eye ball to eyeball, smell and see the signs meet to give one the yea or nay factor about that person. Ain't nothing like the real thing baby, ain't nothing like the real thing!
So, people commodify each other online, but never face-to-face? You must have exceptionally different experiences from me; isn't there a reason people refer to the dating scene so often as a "meat/meet market?"
If you can't beat them, join them. I was struggling to find inventive and inspiring ways to meet someone - as well as work a 10 hour day, and keep in contact with friends and family. I'm one of those who has had the big relationship - which didn't work out - and am now watching friends start their families, or rather expand their families. And there does come a time where you have that Charlotte moment - 'I've been dating for 20 years, and I'm really tired.. where is he already!'. You travel, meet people, perhaps have a fling,. but still, there is something a wee bit sad about a bar crawl in your mid thirties or going to yet another dancing and/or language to class to 'meet new people'. So, don't see it as the death of romance. Its just another avenue. Granted, it does feel like a job interview when you go on the 'date' - and yes, it hasn't quite worked out so far for me - but the heart, like any muscle, needs some use. And practice (I don't mean shagging around, I mean just meeting people one on one) can't do any harm. Oh, by the way - ask him out next time. What really have you got to lose?
"Even worse, it turns romance into a commodity. "
Are you kidding me? Women have been commodifying love/romance since man first learned to walk on two legs. What do you think the whole engagement ring scam is about? Why do you think men have a saying of, "you get the best looking woman you can afford"?
And as for your friend, oh my God, she's thinking rationally rather than allowing her emotions to dictate her responses, which means that the world will end, right? Just relax. Not everybody thinks as you (or I, for that matter) do.
And what you want offline when it comes to "romance" is public validation of your attractiveness, especially if it will make other women (since women are so competitive with each other) jealous. Getting to know a woman often has a kind of kabuki quality to it, but you can stage kabuki either in a theater or in the minds of two people using a chat program. Whatever works for those engaging in it.
To be fair to women, men have been commodifying love for just as long. Not to put too fine a point on it, but it's just that our commodity is of a different currency-- not $$$, but @ss.
Oh, I bet you are a "nice guy" am I right Rob? Such a nice guy that you sit around steaming over why all the girls who are good looking to meet your high standards for yourself, are dating other guys. Guys who you have decided aren't "nice guys". And those girls will get what they deserve for not seeing the "nice guy" right in front of them.
Part II
I'm not saying we dont have challenges or that we didnt incur some bumps but we ran through them like Indy car drivers on a race to fall in love. No challenge scares us. We are titans, we are one and we have a hellofa lot of fun.
If your friends (so called) are not "impressed" with your choices then they are not your friends. dump them now before they suck your charma and spirit from your soul. Get new friends.
Life is damn short dont waste it google eyeing some guy at a crappy work party.
Pamela Newton, your wonderful.
I met my newest love online about two years ago.
I didn't "date" online. I specifically said in my profile I don't use the service for "dating" I don't need a "date". I wanted a life partner, a true love, a friend forever and I'd know her when she came along.
I was on every service for about 6 months, intensely conversed, corresponded, and talked to potential mates. Almost all of them insisted to see me in person and to go on a "date". I refused.
I explained that if I don't like you in writing your appearance wont make any difference and you'd be wasting your time.
I finally found her She was terrible at internet dating. Her profiled was lame and broken. But what it had was the spirit of her soul. She was not messing around. She exposed her soul (not her boobs). This was a courageous person. This was Joan of Arc. She knew she wasnt very good at the whole dating thing and I loved her for it.
When I met her she was obviously no bathing beauty and she wouldn't turn any heads. I wouldnt get any atta boys at the corp Christmas party but she was smiling and sincere and true. Now when I see her my heart warms and I feel whole. We are very happy and it was because of the internet I was able to weed through the loser fake people to find each other.
Internet Dating is nothing new. I've been reading an 1880 novel on my Podcast called "Wired Love" which concerns a couple of telegraphers having a romance and falling in love before ever meeting each other face-to-face.
Later in the book (we haven't gotten to that chapter yet) the couple are uncomfortable face-to-face, so they set up a telegraph wire between their hotel rooms so they can converse :)
The chapters (one every Monday) are indexed at:
http://ronevry.com/wiredlove.html
It's not weird to be put off by internet dating. How would one explain to the kids that Mom and Dad's meeting took place after paying $70 for 6 months at Match or eHarmony?
That being said, if women find themselves not being approached, it's because a LOT of things have change in dating, and not in men's favor, so it's even harder to try and present yourself. Give us shy guys a chance. Just because we don't throw out stupid pick up line doesn't mean we're not interested. We're actually just as intimidated as we are attracted.
"Perhaps it's old-fashioned of me to hold the man solely responsible for making the approach"
Yes, it is. I think it is the height of BS that men are essentially required to take the initiative in the whole dating progression. This responsibility is the main thing that drives men to internet dating. Online, I can find a handful of people that I think would be interesting without having to awkwardly approach a woman in a public setting and basically make a fool of myself for the privilege of meeting her.
Less romantic? Maybe. Far more practical and far less humiliating? Absolutely.
And here's a free tip: A woman taking the initiative is incredibly sexy. Guys don't ever expect it (because it almost never happens). If you want a guy, just go tell him. Don't play games and send signals. Guys are dumb. I'm thinking about whether or not I sound like an idiot, not how you subtly touching your hair is supposed to tell me that I have a chance.
I think the problem is replacing completely random serendipitous meetings with internet matchmaking and search. Why not do both? Your chances of finding "the one" is small with any approach, but you double your chances if you use them both. And if you don't take yourself too seriously with either approach it can be fun and you can learn alot about yourself.
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