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Have Yourself A Tacky Little Xmas: 50 Ways To Be Totally Tasteless This Holiday Season
You could do the holidays the frost-touched, gilt-edged, Winter Wonderland way. Or you could go totally tacky, and we're not talking 30-foot-tall pulsating plastic Santas. No, we mean something, or 50 somethings, much much worse.
1. Cut out the holiday tips to the cleaning people, the doorman, the nanny. What are they doing to do in this economy, quit??
2. Stage a no-kids-allowed holiday party. Except for your own kids, of course.
3. Put a plow on the front of your black Range Rover.
4. Wear ski tights when you're not actually skiing.
5. Throw out all holiday cards except the one from the Obamas, which you display on your mantle.
6. At the office party, grind with that cute intern.
7. Work the room at your kid's school's Holiday Sing.
8. Send everyone on your list a copy of your own autographed book.
9. Create a Christmas card that features a picture of your entire family wearing matching red pajamas.
10. Wait until the ninth day of Hanukah to break up.
11. Hang a plastic wreath, but act insulted if anyone asks you whether it's real.
12. Use mistletoe as excuse to slip your brother-in-law some tongue.
13. Use drunkenness as excuse to let it slip in front of kids that there's no Santa.
14. Use frozen latkes, but hide the box.
15. Post Google ads on your family holiday blog.
16. Tie antlers on your dog's head.
17. Throw a huge holiday party to which you invite everyone, except the neighbors.
18. Name your twins Merry and Noel.
19. Bake nude, anatomically correct gingerbread men.
20. Have your Christmas tree professionally decorated.
21. Write and perform your own holiday rap.
22. Donate hideous Christmas tree sweater your mother-in-law spent nine months knitting to Goodwill.
23. Tell everyone on your holiday list that you're donating money to Doctors Without Borders in their name. Then don't.
24. Organize office Secret Santa, then claim you were too busy to buy your contribution.
25. Smoke weed in effort to bond with stoner son home for the holidays.
26. Carry around pennies to create maximum jangle in Salvation Army bucket.
27. Let octogenarian parents visiting from Wisconsin fend for themselves at Radio City Holiday Show, while you take in Speed-the-Plow.
28. Make big batch of chocolate chip meringues. Eat them all yourself.
29. Mail out foil-edged, hand-embossed Christmas letters detailing how thankful you are to be making lots of money in this awful recession, praise the Lord.
30. Force your 12 year-old to wear a smocked velvet dress and patent mary janes.
31. Wear smocked velvet and patent mary janes yourself.
32. Buy your wife a pair of CZ earrings and put them in a Tiffany box.
33. Hire a dwarf to dress as an elf at your Christmas party.
34. Recycle the angel picture your nephew draws you in kindergarten.
35. Claim the Christmas tree china you bought at Target was handed down from your great-grandmother.
36. Buy your ten year-old an iPhone.
37. Take in a Christmas Eve gospel service, purely for the theatre.
38. Tell little Julian that instead of milk and cookies, Santa would prefer you leave him a big glass of scotch.
39. Pass out halfway through putting together Julian's commando jeep, the one you bought in an attempt to get him to stop playing with his sister's dress-up clothes.
40. Make a big show of going out to get everyone fresh bagels and donuts on Christmas morning, then use the time to call your lover.
41. Volunteer to bring dessert to Christmas dinner sister spends two weeks cooking. Show up with Entenmann's cake.
42. Give your niece an heirloom doll, then yell at her if she tries to play with it.
43. Rather than losing your temper at family celebration, sit there silently with tears running down your cheeks.
44. Gripe about getting too many presents.
45. Put your shrink on speaker phone during the family Christmas dinner squabble.
46. Tell Mom and Dad you're too busy and/or broke to visit over the holidays. Then sneak off to Anguilla.
47. Schedule holiday visit with relatives for December 28, so you can buy gifts at post-Christmas sales.
48. Ask everyone to bring a bottle of great champagne to your New Year's party. House contribution: Frexinet.
49. Throw out your live tree.
50. Make assistant hold down the fort over the holidays, then return to work on January 5 complaining about how exhausted you are.
Follow Pamela Redmond Satran on Twitter: www.twitter.com/prsatran
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51. Drop blank job applications into the Salvation Army and Toys For Tots bins with the note "Try filling out one of these instead of begging for handouts!" instead of money.
The salvation army got one of the largest inheritance ever from Ray Crocks widow why are they still begging?
LOL!
Here's one: read a piece of satire on Huffpo, then write a bitter, snarky comment about it.
Oh wait a minute. Three out of four commenters have already done this.
To the author, I say: "Well done. Keep 'em coming."
City people don't know from tacky. You want to go tacky, you cover your front door in aluminum foil and then put your plastic wreath in the middle of it, the one with 3 red and white plastic bells that light up and ring when anyone walks by. Buy boxes of plastic foil "icicles" and wait until you're half drunk then heave clumps of them on the Christmas tree. Don't replace burned out light strings so half the tree is dark and the other half is missing a bunch of ornaments because the cat tried to climb it and knocked it over. Don't wrap your gifts, just put them under the tree in the bags from the store. Staple or tape the bags shut. Buy all your decorations at the dollar store. Put fake garland and a big bow on top of a pile of dirty laundry in the corner. When you get decent gifts from your non-tacky friends, be sure to ask how much they cost and is the receipt in the package. Write Mery Xmas on your front window with spray snow.
"Put fake garland and a big bow on top of a pile of dirty laundry in the corner."
Awesome.
Aw, c'mon, people...I got a few smiles out of it.
I was expecting something like getting drunk at your family Christmas party and before brazenly declaring there is no god, you take all the children aside for "story time" and go into the history of Mithra. I could go on, but it would just be mean.
I can't believe this made the cut. Very weak. None were even really that tacky. If the midget is looking for a job as an elf what's the problem.
Some were tacky...but none were tasteless......I guess we were looking for the tasteless.
You forgot: ignore the whole d4mn thing, which is what I'm doing happily once again this year.
O.K., so was this supposed to amuse? It fell far short.
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