THE BLOG
03/20/2012 06:57 pm ET | Updated May 20, 2012

Mind Reading 101 Should Be a Mandatory Course for Couples

Pardon me a moment. I'm concentrating.

Picture it. I'm sitting in the den with my husband Buff. He's on the sofa in the fetal position, I'm in my chair, and I make this comment:

"We had a full moon last night. I love full moons. We should take a moment tonight and go outside just to look at the moon."

Buff: Zzzzzzzz ...

Me: "Hopefully it will be full again tonight."

Buff: Zzzzzzzz ...

Me: "Hey! Can't you talk to me??

Buff: You made a statement. A statement doesn't require an answer.

Me: "Really? You can't just muster up something to say? Do I always have to put my statements in the form of a question for you to talk to me? The way a conversation is supposed to work is, I say something, then you say something, then I say something else, then you say something and so on and so on."

Buff: Zzzzzz ...

Me: "Seriously, you never talk to me. Say something after I make a statement. I don't read minds."

Buff: Zzzzzz ...

Me: "I have a crowbar. I'll use it. Sit up. Why don't you talk to me? You need to learn to live your life with your wife engaged in meaningful or even just random conversation. Is that going to kill you?"

Buff: Zzzzzz ...

Me: "You think I'm nagging you again. I'm a little tired of you telling me I nag you. I don't nag. Talking about the moon is not nagging."

Buff: "Shhhh ... I'm lying here on the sofa trying to watch this movie on television."

Me: "Don't shush me. Why do you always hold up that ugly index finger and say Shhhhh? I hate the word Shhhhh. It's so annoying. You've seen Jerry Maguire three times."

Buff: (Silence... index finger up)

Me: "Helloooooo! When you're at work and someone makes a statement to you, do you just sit there silent with a troubled look on your face?"

Buff: (Silence ... eyes rolling back so far in his eye socket, he can see his brain)

Me: "I might as well be talking to the coffee table. I don't like being ignored. Didn't you see Fatal Attraction? I won't be ignored."

Buff: (Silence... flailing index finger)

Me: "How's your mother?... She's 90."

Buff: (Silence)

Me: "I've got a brick. I will throw it directly into the television."

Buff: "What?"

Me: "How. Is. Your. Mother?"

Buff: "Fine"

Me: "Is she toilet trained?"

Buff: What? Why are you insulting my mother?

Me: "I'm not. I just wanted to see if you heard me."

Buff: (Silence)

Me: "Do you think couples who have been married for 35 years ever see each other's penis?"

Buff: (Silence)

Me: "Hey, coffee table. How's your mother? Is she board?"

Buff: Shhhhh ...

Me: "So what about that moon sighting last night?"

Buff: "I might as well go outside and work in the yard. I can't hear the TV."

Me: "I listen to you snore at night ... and fart."

Buff: (Silence)

Me: "You're going outside because Mustang Sally is in her driveway in those tight shorts washing her car. If she makes a statement to you and you answer her, I'll disconnect that vein in your neck that supplies blood to your brain."

Buff: I'll be outside if you need me.

Me: "Why would I need you? I can talk to myself. Did you know that bees and dogs can smell fear?"