If you haven't already noticed, America has a growing problem with growing. It's a silent killer on par with the obesity epidemic. Our nation is not only gaining unwanted pounds, but unwanted people as well. And Congress has an answer to this swelling population of 300 million by going on a crash Mexican diet.
The U.S. has expanded greatly thanks to illegal Mexican labor and because it's cheap and plentiful, cutting down on the numbers we take in seems like a healthy solution. We have tried other fad diets in the past, like the Chinese Exclusion Act (the Chinese Diet) and the Immigration Act of 1924 (the Slavic Diet), yet the population and economy still ballooned. But this time, both the House and Senate have passed bills that are not only low on Mexican immigrants but also fashionable: border tightening.
Let's say it's the summer before mid-term elections and you're a politician who has put off getting in shape for your entire term. You know you have to make appearances at hometown parades and county fairs, but you can't go looking like a Thomas Nast moneybag. But you can make that mid-section look sleeker with a shiny new fence, sure to catch any wealth conscious voter's eye. So what if your constituency isn't as ethnically light as it was in the 1950's? You can still try to squeeze into a McCarthy three-piece suit by shoring up that flabby borderline. Suck it in, Arizona! Just imagine 2,000 miles of triple-layered fencing from the Pacific to the Gulf keeping those extra populations away. Even Wisconsin will seem slim.
But since this weight-reduction plan is risky, you may slip up and break your diet by allowing amnesty for the undocumented. Not to worry. Border militias are there to help you in your moment of weakness. These are self-made Mexican dieters with touchy constitutions that can only stomach white bread with the crusts cut off. Given their low tolerance for anything foreign, they don't even like to make room for bilingual signs. And they'll support your platform for a leaner America with the cleansing power of deportation. Some people are ashamed of it and only purge when no one's looking. Yet an illegal immigrant's length of stay in the U.S. is superficial compared to the sheer luck of being born here. If you don't mind the bad taste in your mouth and really stick with it, you may have created your very own Trail of Tears.
This election year looks to be a tough road ahead, but you're sweating it out for America. You might feel the pinch around the sides, shortness of breath during stump speeches and the need to vomit when you look at yourself in the mirror, but don't fret - it's only temporary. You can drop your Mexican diet after the elections and let it all hang out for the holidays.