Now that Swine Flu has turned the country into a giant seething Project Blue cauldron of death, the conspiracy theorists are out in full force. But as usual, they're clinging to the obvious targets who further their agenda, and not trying to get through the looking glass, to understand who is really behind our porcine nightmare. Occam's razor is fine for science, religion, medicine and homicide detectives, but the simplest answer never explains the deepest conspiracies, otherwise we could lay Swine Flu at the feet of the New World Order and call it a day.
The predictable culprits include Mexican drug cartels working in concert with al-Qaeda,
population control laboratories, Donald Rumsfeld, and of course, Big Pharma. I'm tempted to believe Big Pharma played a hand in creating Swine Flu, but not to sell an antidote. Rather, Big Pharma theoretically makes billions because people are locked up in their houses with nothing to do...and that means a run on boner pills. I don't buy it though because no sensible citizen would trust this CDC cover-your-mouth-when-you-cough-claptrap. It doesn't make us feel better, like say a NyQuil milkshake. And ain't nobody makin' love after getting a double shot of the cherry bomb.
So what clandestine operation created the Swine Flu? It has to be an outfit so diabolical that they're willing to wipe out millions of Americans to fulfill their totalitarian objectives. Sure, in the U.S. there's only been roughly 140--mostly mild--cases that don't require a doctor's care, but that's exactly how any self-respecting shadowy cabal would play it. By causing a massive health panic that turns out to be rather benign, people will start to see the PANDEMIC! as typical media overkill, which will lull them into a state of complacency at which time the SUPER KILLER SWINE FLU STRAIN! will be unleashed on an American public gone soft as pig shit.
I consider myself an amateur conspiratorialist, and after countless hours spent crawling through the Swine Flu mud, I am rock-solid certain that the horrific disease sprung from one of the following evil geniuses. Ask yourself two simple questions: Who Benefits? And Why?
1.) The Plastic Bubble Industry: They tried tugging at our heart strings with the 1976 John Travolta classic The Boy in the Plastic Bubble, the tried pulling on our funny bone with the famous Trivial Pursuit "Moops" game between George and Donald on Seinfeld, they even went so far as to get the hip indie rock band Flaming Lips to make it look cool, but the fact remains that the only folks enjoying life quarantined inside a germ-free sphere are the ones suffering from sever combined immunodeficiency. Think about it: if you spent your life knocking your head against the inside of a plastic bubble, desperately trying to figure out how to get everyday folk to give encapsulated-living a whirl, knowing your chance to make millions was vanishing...Isn't Swine Flu the perfect solution to boost sales? The cable news outlets have clearly shown that we are in the middle of a code red life-or-death situation, and you're going to trust a thin blue surgical mask? Fools! I saw one of my neighbors rolling down the block in a plastic bubble this morning, and damned if my personal gyroball isn't on its way. It was a mere $1,875, but you can't put a price on freedom from Swine Flu.
2. Jews: On the surface, it's hard to comprehend how the Jews play a role in the "Great Swine Flu Conspiracy of Ought-Nine," considering their aversion to pork. However, as any good paranoid knows, the Jews will stop at nothing to build their Zionist Occupation Government. They'll go so far as to deny themselves the sublime pleasures of bacon just so we would never think they'd create a porky-based weapon of mass destruction. You almost got us, you crafty devils! But your Israeli overlords made a fatal mistake. By renaming it "Mexican Flu," you tipped your hamsa hand. Obviously, the goal is to build up global anger against Mexico and its people, followed by the Six-Day War 2.0, massive round-ups and the hording of Mexicans into refugee camps, and the establishment of a Holier Land in La Paz, where the weather is 80 during the day/50 at night with low humidity, the beaches are pristine, and there is an over-abundance of Pacifico and fish tacos. The key here people is to restrain from blaming Mexicans for "Mexican Flu."
3. Der Wienerschnitzel: It's hard to believe that this Derlicious hot dog emporium won't steal marketshare from the competition, since it is clear from the company name that all of their pork products are imported from Europe. Let the filthy animals at Nathan's and Dairy Queen sell tainted franks, the good people at Der Wienerschnitzel serve only the finest cuts of meat from the finest Germanic butchers. Far-fetched, you say? Well, did you realize that the hot dog market in the United States is a $400-billion industry? Der Wienerschnitzel food scientists probably whipped up Swine Flu right in the test kitchen. Plus, they're playing it cagey at Der Wienerschnitzel; it's suspicious that they pushing the 100% All Beef Angus Chipolte Chili Dog when they know damn well it's the pork products their consumers crave....excuse me, I'm feeling chipolte-ish all the sudden.
4. The National Fence Contractors Association: Ever since the illegal-immigrant-lovin' liberals took over, the fervor for the completion of the Border Fence Project has died down. We've erected less than a third of the 700 mile fence, which covers less than half of the 1,952 mile border and the Minutemen dream project is losing steam. You know what might just get those backhoes rolling again? Massive fear of Mexicans! Barack Obama can say all he wants about "closing the barn door after the horses are out," but if a 72-foot high electrical fence gets built, those horses will think twice before galloping across the border carrying the next deadly disease, chicken rickets or paella palsy, or whatever it might be. Not just anyone can become a fence contractor, so when the emergency appropriations start flowing for those who build fences with eight-foot deep moats filled with barracudas, that will complete the cerca of life.
5. Ron Howard: It's quite a coincidence that just as the Da Vinci code was cracked to reveal that Opie Cunnigham is in league with the Illuminati to bring down the Catholic Church, nay, to destroy the very foundation of Western society and its founding principle that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is the Son of God, that Swine Flu magically appears on the scene. Howard originally tried to distract us with Tom Hanks mullet, but it didn't take. Naturally, he called up his Hollywood buddies (related, see entry #2) and created a global diversion. Impossible, you say? These people can make dogs talk, cars fly and Dan Brown sound like a scholar! A little itty bitty pandemic is nothing for them. The blueprint is laid out in Soylent Green, The Stand and Outbreak. Be forewarned, when you plunk down $10 to see Angels & Demons, you're helping Ron Howard achieve his dream to become Supreme Ruler of the World. It's always the one you least suspect.
So there you have it. Five legitimate sources for the KILLER SWINE FLU PANDEMIC OF 2009!!
It's our new reality, piles of rotting corpses in our streets, but I haven't told you the scariest thing of all. Swine Flu may not have anything to do with pigs.
Lock your doors, cover your windows, load up your guns and stock up on water, freeze-dried foods and boner pills.
This conspiracy is bigger than all of us.
HuffPost Entertainment is your one-stop shop for celebrity news, hilarious late-night bits, industry and awards coverage and more — sent right to your inbox six days a week. Learn more