03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Republicans File Constitutional Amendment Limiting Bills to 5 Pages

"It [your opera] had too many notes, remove a few and it will be perfect"
--Emperor to Mozart in Amadeus.

The battle for the soul of the Republican Party is over. Conservatives and the moderate have come together behind a constitutional amendment that would prohibit Congress from passing any bill longer than five pages. The health care reform and financial reform bills are 1000 pages long.

"This is an issue the American people care about deeply and about which there is not a whisper of dissent among Republicans," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. "Democrat bills are just too long. If we read them, we will never have time to distribute tobacco industry lobbying checks on the House Floor, and that's what being in Congress is all about. We believe we have found the winning issue for 2010."

"This is a triumph for radical rightwing conservative Republicans," said Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC), "because our supporters never read chapter books in elementary school. Now we can read the whole thing, and debate Democrat fascist-socialist-communist-environmentalist proposals point by point."

Jim Inhofe (R-OK) introduced an amendment to the amendment that guaranteed that the paper saved by limiting bills to 5 pages would not result in cutting down fewer trees. "Otherwise, activist judges will rule that the Constitution supports the hoax of global warming," he harrumphed.

Sarah Palin supported the amendment, commenting on her Facebook page: "Democrats are producing bills longer than the Bible. God created everything in 7 days, so it should not take more than 5 pages to create death panels to reform health care, or to fix the banks; it is a disturbing trend."

In other news, President Obama became the first president to complete his first year in just 9 months.