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Republicans Slam Chilean Miners: "They Should Have Climbed Up on Their Own"

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Turning their attention from campaigning to governing, Republicans today blasted the Chilean miners, the operation that rescued them and Chilean President Sebastian Pinera, stating that the miners "should have climbed out on their own".

Glen Beck warned Chile that government rescuing the miners promoted social justice, the evil worm that has eaten at the fabric of American society since Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly to them, preventing the US from becoming the dominant world power it might have been. "Augusto Pinochet didn't need a blackboard to realize that the distance from government rescuing the miners to rescuing lots of different riff-raff in society, such as the entire middle class, is just a few inches of chalk. Look at what has already happened--the miners signed an agreement among themselves to share equally, equally(!), any proceeds from selling their story." Beck then broke down and cried.

Sarah Palin claimed the entire episode was a hoax, invented by the lame stream media to boost their ratings at the expense of her Facebook page. "How could it possibly be hot in a mine in a country called Chile? And, how could a country called 'Chile' be located in the South part of America?" Sharron Angle agreed, adding, "the people they supposedly rescued looked Asian ".

Tea Party founding-ranter Rick Santelli (CNBC) put it more succinctly: "Do you people really want to rescue a bunch of losers?" "Are you listening, Presidents Obama and Pinera?"

Republican Congressional leaders scoffed at the assertion that the miners were rescued ahead of schedule. "Had they had the proper tax incentives", said John Boehner (R-OH), "They would have started digging up on day one, and would have reached the ground at least 17 days earlier, with no cost to Chilean taxpayers. What incentive did they have to climb out if they were going to be taxed on their incomes?"

"Once they learned the government was going to help, the miners just sat on their rear ends collecting wages for not working," chimed in Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "There is a lot of mining in my state, so I know first-hand what miners do under those circumstances."

Senate Candidate Dr. Rand Paul claimed the entire situation was the government's fault in the first place, "if there had been no regulations whatsoever, miners would have chosen to work only for those companies that, out of their concern for miner happiness, provided air-conditioned mines with bowling alleys, and that had impeccable safety records. Other mines would have closed 'on their own', and the miners that made such poor, selfish, decisions to work there would have been eliminated, literally." (Dr. Paul rushed to assure the miners, however, that he would treat them for their eye problems -- if the Chilean government would pay him for it).

The spectacle of the world watching and cheering the rescue unnerved the Koch Boys and their comrades. "We considered President Pinera to be our 'billionaire-compadre'," said the Kochs. "Now, we don't know what to expect of Congress and Governors we are purchasing".

The Koch's started a new action group called "MinedYourOwnBusiness.org", supporting candidates that defund government agencies that in any way support or promote rescue of people or companies whose net worth is less than $1 billion.

Reportedly, millions of unemployed workers have already pledged their support.