In a pre-emptive strike against government prosecutors, home run king Barry Bonds* today announced that he had hired Scooter Libby to head the team defending him against charges of perjury and obstruction of justice. This will be Libby's second case of perjury and obstruction of justice, and his first case as an attorney since leaving the White House.
"Like 'Bo knows baseball', I think Libby knows more than just a little bit about perjury and obstruction of justice, and how to avoid punishment for those charges" said Bonds*. "I am honored to have someone with Scooter's background in this field heading my defense team. That he alone shares a moniker with another of baseball's legends, Phil Rizzuto, is just icing on the cake."
"This will be an easy case", said Libby. "The charges against Bonds* are the second most ridiculous perjury charges in history. Bonds* was too busy and his mind distracted by other more important matters. When a Cuban like El Duque tries the brushback by hurling a projectile at you at 90-100mph from a small hill just 60'6" away, what else would you call that but an act of terrorism?"
"I was told by the Giant owners to stay on offense and that took my full attention and concentration, "said Bonds*. "I just could not pay attention to whether someone was slipping me some drugs. We saw what happened when President Bush decided not to 'swat at flies' and go after bin Laden when the FBI established the attack on the USS Cole was an al-Qaeda act. Well, I was not about to repeat that mistake, I had to make the El Duques of the world know what it is like to get swatted. And, I am proud to say that I did that more than any other person in history".
Bonds* reportedly will not deny the obstruction of Justice charge. According to those close to the case, Bonds* asserts he, and his teammates, were hired to stop David Justice whenever they played him. "He did exactly what he was supposed to do", said Libby.
Speaking under the condition of anonymity, Jose Conseco said that Libby -- whose sentence was commuted by President Bush, and who was instrumental in getting Marc Rich pardoned by President Clinton -- can get Bonds* off regardless of who is in the White House when it is decided.
In other news, Hillary Clinton said that plants were an integral part of her fight against greenhouse gases and global warming. Far from stifling conversation, "plants consume hot air and generate the oxygen needed for vigorous discussion", said Clinton spokesman Howard Wolfson, who also noted Michelle Obama's negative comments about certain gases.