The Strip Diary, Day Twenty Three: Please Help Me! I'm Going On Television by Mistake

Day Twenty Three: THEhotel at Mandalay Bay ($83.99)

Dearest Readers,

I need your help.

I may be 5,000 miles from London, but even here in Las Vegas, I can't utter a word in my British accent without somebody mentioning the upcoming Royal Wedding.

"You must be very excited," said a total stranger in the coffee shop at the Cosmopolitan last Sunday. The poor woman babbled on for a good minute-and-a-half about dresses and abbeys and the Archbishop of Canterbury before I had the first idea what she was talking about. "I expect you'll be watching it on television?" said someone else who I got chatting with at the gelato place in Vdara. Not wanting to disappoint the enthusiastic colonials, I gave the most British answer I could: "oh yes, jolly excited -- and of course I'll be watching on television. Crikey, toodle pip, cor blimey Mary Poppins... " all that nonsense. They lapped it up and went away happy.

But then a few days ago I received an email from a producer at KSNV Channel 3, asking me to come on their breakfast show on Friday and -- I shit you not -- help commentate their royal wedding coverage. Idiotically -- publicity whore that I am -- I agreed.

Here, just for the record are all the things I know about the royal wedding.

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

6) William's brother's name is Harry.

7)

8)

9) The Queen will be there.

10)

So you see my problem.

Fortunately, though, I have this amazing platform -- courtesy of The Huffington Post -- to beg for your assistance. So here goes: If anyone reading this knows the first thing about the upcoming nuptials between Prince Baldy and Kate -- um -- Kate Thingy, please for the love of God email me here.

Anything will do. What's Williams' favourite color? Where did the two of them go on their first date? Does Kate own a cat? How long are experts giving them before the inevitable, painful royal divorce? I'm serious. Make stuff up if you have to. I promise I'll regurgitate the best facts I receive -- true or entirely fictitious -- on KSNV Channel 3 on Friday.

Thank you, and cheerio.

Paul

 

 

 

Follow Paul Carr on Twitter: www.twitter.com/paulgoestovegas

Comments

[wernerholm]

07:48 PM on 04/27/2011

My friend, if your room has a decent selection of cable it should be no problem to find plenty to watch about "Wills and Kate".... TLC, Lifetime, E!.... all have a veritable smorgasbord of shows dedicated to the drama of it all.

[davedave]

02:13 PM on 04/27/2011

the only thing i know about the royal family and by proxy its progeny and marriage partners is that they are all better than i am.

they are better than you are too....

d

[espressobeans]

01:53 PM on 04/27/2011

Google. Fast.

[JudgeCCrater]

01:30 PM on 04/27/2011

What's Williams' favourite color?
Money.
Where did the two of them go on their first date?
The Royal Counting House.
Does Kate own a cat?
Yes; it's named 'Penny'
How long are experts giving them before the inevitable, painful royal divorce?
I don't have the answer but I do know how long the press will put Kate's every move under a microscope after the divorce is over: forever.

[Halsey]

12:31 PM on 04/27/2011

I can't believe I did it; but went to Paul's site and spewed my vast knowledge of the royal wedding.
Spoiler, involves Lindsay Lohan and ferrets.

[-swift]

12:25 PM on 04/27/2011

You have a golden opportunity here. First, yes, you could learn some actual facts and try to look good and no one will remember. I suppose that's one way to go.

Or, even better, you could make up some ridiculous BS that is crazy, but still sounds plausible because it's about the royal family.

"I have heard, actually, that the horses who pull the carraiges must be totally white, so they have their bungholes bleached like adult film stars are know to do."

[nnyl]

12:24 PM on 04/27/2011

You can tell them that many Americans are nauseated by the American media's fawning over a monarchy that we rejected 235 years ago. This idea that people are some special because of who their family is, rather than their own accomplishments is the antithesis of what this country is about.

Lawrence O'Donnell is right, if the American Revolution was happening now, the American media would support the British.

[shanedr]

11:46 AM on 04/27/2011

Congratulations, you have more sense then many Americans. Never understood the royalty thing, they are who they are by accident of birth. How does that make them important?

[new beginning]

04:06 PM on 04/27/2011

Well, it is easy to trace their lineage back through history. Their forebears did some cool things like invade places, start the Church of England, live in castles, chop off heads of wives that no longer appealed. Stuff like that.

[tonygumbrell]

10:51 AM on 04/27/2011

Like the woman who cooked up Harry Potter when she was struggling in poverty, in a stroke of genius a poor woman in Britain came up with this useful accessory, and treasured memento just in time, and made herself a small killing: http://www.styleite.com/media/royal-wedding-barf-bags/

[ZoeT]

07:07 PM on 04/27/2011

I like the William & Kate condoms best. :)

[tonygumbrell]

08:22 PM on 04/27/2011

For the man who has everything.

[Matthew Harrold]

09:36 AM on 04/27/2011

In a tradition going back to 1923 Kate will be expected to lay her bouquet at the the tomb of the unknown warrior as she passes by. It dates back to the wedding of Queen Mother in 1923, who spontaneously laid her own there, probably in memory of her brother who died during WW1. Since then all royal brides have followed the same tradition.