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The Strip Diary, Day Twenty Three: Please Help Me! I'm Going On Television by Mistake

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ROYAL WEDDING GUEST LIST
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Day Twenty Three: THEhotel at Mandalay Bay ($83.99)

Dearest Readers,

I need your help.

I may be 5,000 miles from London, but even here in Las Vegas, I can't utter a word in my British accent without somebody mentioning the upcoming Royal Wedding.

"You must be very excited," said a total stranger in the coffee shop at the Cosmopolitan last Sunday. The poor woman babbled on for a good minute-and-a-half about dresses and abbeys and the Archbishop of Canterbury before I had the first idea what she was talking about. "I expect you'll be watching it on television?" said someone else who I got chatting with at the gelato place in Vdara. Not wanting to disappoint the enthusiastic colonials, I gave the most British answer I could: "oh yes, jolly excited -- and of course I'll be watching on television. Crikey, toodle pip, cor blimey Mary Poppins... " all that nonsense. They lapped it up and went away happy.

But then a few days ago I received an email from a producer at KSNV Channel 3, asking me to come on their breakfast show on Friday and -- I shit you not -- help commentate their royal wedding coverage. Idiotically -- publicity whore that I am -- I agreed.

Here, just for the record are all the things I know about the royal wedding.

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

6) William's brother's name is Harry.

7)

8)

9) The Queen will be there.

10)

So you see my problem.

Fortunately, though, I have this amazing platform -- courtesy of The Huffington Post -- to beg for your assistance. So here goes: If anyone reading this knows the first thing about the upcoming nuptials between Prince Baldy and Kate -- um -- Kate Thingy, please for the love of God email me here.

Anything will do. What's Williams' favourite color? Where did the two of them go on their first date? Does Kate own a cat? How long are experts giving them before the inevitable, painful royal divorce? I'm serious. Make stuff up if you have to. I promise I'll regurgitate the best facts I receive -- true or entirely fictitious -- on KSNV Channel 3 on Friday.

Thank you, and cheerio.

Paul