THE BLOG

Dear Britain: Give Us Back Superman, or We're Taking "Doctor Who"

02/21/2011 10:35 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Batman wasn't enough? Huh? You weren't happy having a British guy playing the Dark Knight?

No. You had to try for more.

Spider-Man was next on your little fictional-character Lebensraum. OK, watching Tobey Maguire's spider-powered dance routine in the last movie paved the way for pretty much anyone to come in and, when it comes to pale, anemic Peter Parker types, you have to go to the source.

Then you went too far. You took Superman.

I am of course referring to the casting of British actor Henry Cavill as that American icon, Superman. I mean no offense to Mr. Cavill or, as I'm sure his real name is, either Sir Nigel Bevinal Cavill-Cuffington IV or Declan from a sink estate in North Peckham.

I'm not opposed to foreign superheroes. Dang it, I liked the Aussie Hulk and Wolverine is not supposed to be an American anyway. And who else could be Professor X but the British guy famous for playing a French spaceship captain with an American accent?

But you people don't have guns! Do you even know how fast a speeding bullet is? (In miles per hour. None of your kilometer nonsense.)

I know we're not innocent. I am sorry about the Yankee Sherlock Holmes, but he was cast by one of your guys. As for Bridget Jones, yes, we gave you a non-Austin Texan as your archetypal London professional, but you gave us Bridget Jones. There are no winners here.

Considering one out of every four Britons has a recurring role in the Harry Potter franchise we're bankrolling, couldn't you leave us the Man of Steel? He's not as American as apple pie. Apple pie is as American as Superman.

You leave us no choice, Britain. We're going to have an American Doctor Who.
I can hear you laughing. "Ha ha ha," you would say, if anyone in your country could properly pronounce the letter H. "But 'oo 'ere could play the bleedin' Doctor? 'E's as British as shepherd's pie."

Laugh away, Britain. Laugh as if it's as funny as the American "Office" when really it's as sad as the British "That '70s Show."

We have a Doctor at the ready, a man who can embody the wit of a Peter Davison, the frantic quirkiness of a Matt Smith, the innocent confusion of a Tom Baker and the slim-fitting suits of a David Tennant...

Oklahoman Coyne has the spot down. Everything about Coyne screams the three features a Doctor needs to have: intelligence, otherworldliness, weird clothes. He's even got experience playing an alien!

Give us back Superman or we're taking The Doctor and turning the TARDIS into a human-sized hamster ball. Krypton for Gallifrey. It's a fair trade.

How could an immigrant like Cavill relate to the story of a man who rocketed to America from a faraway land only to find safe haven and opportunity on these shores? How could he portray the character we love from comics written by men like Alan Moore, James Robinson and current Action Comics scribe Paul Cornell?

Back off on Kent, Britannia. Or wait to hear the TARDIS doors whoosh open to reveal new companion Larry the Cable Guy say "It's bigger on the inside, y'all."