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Paul Kleinman

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Self-Diagnosis Book: 11 Nasty Ailments You Might Have (PHOTOS)

Posted: 05/21/2012 4:42 pm

Ah, springtime. The sun is shining, the flowers are blooming, and love is in the air. But so are germ... and viruses... and diseases.

Love, it seems, is not the only thing that is contagious or fragile. Ogling eyes can quickly turn into crusty eyes, that curvy figure may be the result of kyphosis, "baby got back" might end up turning into "baby got hidradenitis suppurativa," and that bulge in your pants might just be the result of a bad hernia. The very parts of the body that we are so attracted to can actually be downright disgusting and terrifying at times.

But how can you tell what's wrong with that hot guy or girl that has been giving you the (rather strange-looking) eye? Well, that's where I come in. In my new book, Head, Shoulders, Pee, and Moles: An Eyes-and-Ears-and-Mouth-and-Nose Guide to Self-Diagnosis [F+W Media, $14.95], I provide a guide to self-diagnosis that starts at the top of your head and moves all the way down to the bottom of your feet. Finally, all hypochondriacs, neurotics, germaphobes, worrywarts, and paranoid people can have the ability to diagnose all of their visible life-threatening symptoms (which are probably not all that life-threatening) without the use of an Internet connection! Gone will be the days of typing symptoms into a search bar and anxiously browsing through your results with each click bringing you closer and closer to certain death. And the best part is, this information is completely medically accurate and has been reviewed by an actual doctor and naturopath. You know, those people who are sick of seeing you at their office every day.

So, take out your hand sanitizer; make sure your physician, dermatologist, plastic surgeon, allergist, and matchmaker are all on speed dial; and find your happy place; because it's time to take a look at the body parts that we are most attracted to--when they look the least attractive...

The Eyes
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Eyes may be the gateway to the soul, but sometimes that gateway can be a little... gross. If your eyes have a thick, yellow, green, or white discharge, then you may have conjunctivitis, otherwise known as pinkeye. Other symptoms include burning, itchy eyes and redness in the inner eyelid or white part of the eye (hence the "pink" in "pinkeye"). Viruses, bacteria, irritants, and allergies can cause conjunctivitis, and when caused by a virus or bacteria, conjunctivitis is incredibly contagious. While most forms of conjunctivitis are very easy to treat with eye drops or antibiotics, certain forms, like conjunctivitis caused by chlamydia or gonorrhea--yes, you read that right--can lead to scarring of the cornea and conjunctivae (the mucous membranes that cover the white part of your eyes), and ultimately, result in blindness. So remember kids, have safe sex or go blind.
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