Assholes of the Week #7

*Senator Larry Craig, not only for the opening statement at his press conference -- "Thank you all very much for coming out today" -- but also for his silly rationalization that when he tap-danced on the shoe of an undercover cop in the adjoining stall, it was only because of his own "wide stance," thereby breaking Rose Mary Woods' excuse record. She testified that, while transcribing Richard Nixon's tape, she answered a phone call, but when reaching for the stop button on the recorder, she mistakenly hit the record button next to it, [unnecessarily] keeping her foot on the pedal, resulting in the infamous 18-1/2-minute gap. When asked to replicate that position, her extremely awkward posture caused political pundits to question the validity of her explanation.

*Senator John Kerry, for not ridiculing George Bush's 180-degree turnaround concerning the comparison between the Vietnam and Iraq wars by labeling the president a flip-flopper.

*General Wesley Clark, for waiting until recently to reveal to Amy Goodman on "Democracy Now" the following:

"About 10 days after 9/11, I went through the Pentagon and I saw Secretary Rumsfeld and Deputy Secretary Wolfowitz. I went downstairs just to say hello to some of the people on the Joint Staff who used to work for me, and one of the generals called me in. He said, 'Sir, you've got to come in and talk to me a second.' I said, 'Well, you're too busy.' He said, 'No, no.' He says, 'We've made the decision we're going to war with Iraq.' This was on or about the 20th of September. I said, 'We're going to war with Iraq? Why?' He said, 'I don't know.' He said, 'I guess they don't know what else to do.' So I said, 'Well, did they find some information connecting Saddam to al Qaeda?' He said, 'No, no.' He says, 'There's nothing new that way. They just made the decision to go to war with Iraq.' He said, 'I guess it's like we don't know what to do about terrorists, but we've got a good military and we can take down governments.' And he said, 'I guess if the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem has to look like a nail.' So I came back to see him a few weeks later, and by that time we were bombing in Afghanistan. I said, 'Are we still going to war with Iraq?' And he said, 'Oh, it's worse than that.' He reached over on his desk. He picked up a piece of paper. And he said, 'I just got this from upstairs' -- meaning the Secretary of Defense's office -- "today." And he said, 'This is a memo that describes how we're going to take out seven countries in five years, starting with Iraq, and then Syria, Lebanon, Libya, Somalia, Sudan and, finishing off, Iran.' I said, 'Is it classified?' He said, 'Yes, sir.' I said, 'Well, don't show it to me.' And I saw him a year or so ago, and I said, 'You remember that?' He said, 'Sir, I didn't show you that memo! I didn't show it to you!'"

*Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, for championship pandering. Although he now wants to overturn Roe vs. Wade, when he was running for the Senate in 1994, he came out in favor of choice for women. He admitted to Mormon feminist Judith Dushku that "the Brethren" in Salt Lake City told him that he could take that position, and that in fact he probably had to, in order to win in a liberal state like Massachusetts.

*Great Assholes of the Past: The Sunday School teacher who advised one of his students to write on his penis, "What would Jesus do?" Presumably, "Jerk off" was not considered to be the correct answer.

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Paul Krassner is the author of "One Hand Jerking: Reports From an Investigative Satirist," and publisher of the Disneyland Memorial Orgy poster, both available at paulkrassner.com.

Follow Paul Krassner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Zen Bastard

Comments

[GenericBlogger]

Other aholes for this or the upcoming week:

Alberto Gonzales not being savvy enough to realize his legacy will be negative and the damage helped to cause to the country and the Department of Justice.

The Senators who called on Craig to resign but not Diaper David Vitter and the Senators who chickened out by remaining silent.

Dubya for changing his rhetoric on Maliki's performance the day after inept Maliki complained.

John Edwards for hypocritically asking Americans to sacrifice their SUV's while not apologozing for living on a 28,000 square foot compound and refusing to make sacrifices for himself.

[Arky]

Gen Clark waiting? Not hardly! He's been out front on Iraq and the pending Iran debacle that Bushco has planned for quite awhile. He's been right all along, if only you had been paying attention.
I think you need to issue a mea-culpa, and an apology. Just sayin'.

[westcott]

Cont from previous comment..

"beginning with Iraq, then Syria, Lebanon, Libya, Iran, Somalia”—”Sudan. So, I thought, this is what they” meant “when they talk about ‘draining the swamp.’”

Page 130 "Winning Modern Wars"

[westcott]

It was in General Clark's book "Winning Modern Wars" on page 130

And on Nov 16 of 03 he was talking about it on Meet The Press

MR. RUSSERT: In your book, “Winning Modern Wars,” you write on page 130, the following: “As I went back through the Pentagon”—”November 2001, one of the senior military staff officers had time for a chat. Yes, we were still on track for going against Iraq, he said. But there was more. This was being discussed” in “part of a five-year campaign plan, he said, and there were a total of seven countries,

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3476052/

Retract or post a correction of this, or you'll find yourself with a not unsimilar label but yours will be for 100+ weeks.

[terrence222]

you might be a little harsh on clark, but you're wonderfully on target with everyone else.

[Qbear]

Add Tony Perkins and other Christian Reich folks making the circuit of talk shows after Larry Craig imploded.
They have their lips pursed so hard it's making my sphincter hurt. Maybe it's shell shock from Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, Diaper David Vitter, Bob Allen, Glenn Murphy Jr, (the sleep-sucker), so it looks like someone kicked their puppy.

[secondedition]

In part,this is what Senator Kerry did have to say on Pres. Bush's comparisons of Vietnam and Iraq,


"Invoking the tragedy of Vietnam to defend the failed policy in Iraq is as irresponsible as it is ignorant of the realities of both of those wars,”

Now, given a choice between the right-wing term, 'flip-flopper" or what Senator Kerry did say, "irresponsible" and "ignorant" I'll vote for Kerry's more powerful and intelligent words. Why you would criticize Senator Kerry and want him to repeat infantile Republican speak is beyond me. Frankly, the senator is a smart guy and can come up with more descriptive words on his own to comment on Mr. Bush comparisons, he doesn't need to use Republican smears to make his point.

Senator Kerry's complete press release can be found here,



http://www.johnkerry.com/2007/8/22/kerry-statement-on-bush-speech-to-the-vfw

[keepyourheaddown*]

Too many assholes not enough weeks left...

[MelFamy]

Speaking of @$$holes, assuming a "wide stance" can be taken two ways. Apparently, so can the good senator.
Mitt, who distanced himself from Craig as fast as possible, seems to have been for the right to choose, even when he was against it.
In a more perfect world, Gen. Clark would be the front-runner. If he could just lose that deer-in-th­e-headligh­ts look. I mean, he WON a war, and lost no American lives in the process.
Always a fan, keep up the good work.

[alkamm]

I hope that those missing minutes bubble up some day, maybe at the edge of the La Brea tarpits.

What a great connection, the wide stance excuse trickling down from office to lavatory stall! Apparently greatly deluded minds run in the same channels.

Another great stretch is a certain magic bullet that managed to wound and kill and then get lost, or even replicate itself someplace between Dealey Plaza and history. Some stretch. Some bullet.

[DaveMacaray]

Paul
Loved the Larry Craig-Rose Mary Woods tie-in, a blast from the past. Poor son of a bitch, I feel sorry for him having to look for love in all the wrong places, etc. Sad, really.
Also, your Romney account was perfect--reminded me of something we'd see in a "Big Love" outtake, the one where the Compound gives a candidate permission to take a political stand (or invest in Weber gaming).

[Aunt Shecky]

Dear DaveMacaray-- this is a quick apology in
that I used that "looking for love in the wrong places" line in my blog today. I am sorry about that! Had I read yr comment before I wrote it, I wouldn't have used the line. Could it possibly be a case of "great minds thinking alike"? Maybe on YOUR part!

[Sumocat]

Wasn't that Clark thing done in March? And you're waiting until now to name him an a**hole of the week because he waited so long to make those comments? That's a bit ironic, isn't it?

[RationalDem]

Sorry to point out, Paul, that General Clark told that same story on Real Time with Bill Maher in 2004...I remember it well.

[DeanOR]

Wesley Clark has been telling that Pentagon story for a long time, but he couldn't get many people to listen to it. He has carried on a one-man opposition to the war for years now, but he is generally ignored by the media and by the political establishment.