Confessions of a Barista

Hi, my name is Paul. I'm a barista at Starbucks -- or I should say that I was a barista -- but I still feel that I am one, even though I've been given my walking papers, my pink slip, whatever you want to call it, I've been fired from my job. Just my luck, on Independence Day weekend, I'm suddenly dependent on family, friends and Unemployment Insurance.

It's all because the economy sucks so bad that it's turning inside out. They're closing down 600 "under-performing" stores -- some wise guy said, "Yeah, and 38 of 'em are on my block" -- and letting go of 12,000 employees. People can no longer afford to drive to a Starbucks and then buy a cup of coffee that costs more than a gallon of gas.

What I'll miss about my work is the atmosphere -- you know, the ambitious writers tapping away on their keyboards, and the unsuspecting readers who enjoy their output -- sort of like a literary laptop dance.

What I won't miss about my work is the feeble attempt at humor by customers. Each time somebody says, "Oh, I get it, when you say tall size, you really mean small size," they always think they're the first one who ever made that observation.

And those jokes that just make you groan out loud: "Darth Vader walks into a Starbucks and orders a grande breakfast blend. The barista says, 'Would you like room for cream?' And Darth Vader says, 'No, I prefer it on the dark side.'" Or this one: "A spark plug walks into a Starbucks and orders a venti Sumatra. And the barista says, 'Okay, I'll serve you. Just don't start anything.'" Or this: "A skeleton walks into a Starbucks and says, 'Give me a macchiato and a mop.'" And this: "A woman walks into a Starbucks for a capuccino, and the barista says, 'Would you also like to buy something from our bakery and wash it down with a new Norah Jones CD?'"

I didn't move to Los Angeles to be a barista. I'm actually an actor. At first I resented being a cross between a waiter and a vending machine. On one occasion, I really lost it. A customer was being so rude to me, criticizing me for overcharging him, I just said, "Sir, please look carefully at your receipt. The machine doesn't lie." That's when he went into a rage. Well, I served him his "latte with everything," including the saliva I managed to add.

But then I had a little epiphany. I was at the airport, and I saw a sign -- "Last Starbucks Before Terminal 2" -- and I felt a little surge of pride. I had come to identify with the brand. And I realized, all right, if I'm an actor, then I'm playing the part of a barista, and I will put all my training into that role.

As a result, I paid attention to the other actors, the ones who were playing the part of customers, and I understood that they were addicted to caffeine and I had become addicted to being their dealer. Well, my new friends, that's it for now. Thank you for listening. This is my first time at Baristas Anonymous, but you can be sure I'll be back.

Originally posted on Arthur blog at Yahoo.com

Follow Paul Krassner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Zen Bastard

Comments

[Dunnage]

Starbucks has bathrooms.

[axt113]

Sorry about your job, but lets face it, Starbucks is overpriced garbage

[naturallight]

Paul Krassner is a writer. I don't think he really lost his job. It is a joke.

[Sundialsvc4]

Paul Krassner is a WRITER. Therefore, it's not a joke. :-D

[Zeje]

I buy small cup of coffee every morning at a local bodega. 50 cents! It's delicious!!

[Radarman]

A couple of years ago someone gave me a ten dollar Starbucks gift card. So I tried a couple of cups of their stuff, end of ten dollar card by the way.. Not bad but not coffee. Listen to Denis Leary's rant on coffee from Lock n Load and you will understand how I feel about coffee. I know, I know, I'm a heathen.

[shaman]

Paul, sorry you lost your job.

As an early adopter of SB I used to buy beans in U Village with creaky wooden floors and a huge variety of beans in bins behind the counter. Prices written on a chalk board for beans from all over the world.

Now it is a skinny decaf in a paper cup labeled tall which is really short. Plastic booths and burnt coffee beans. Had friends working in the roasting plant that were forced out by corporate types from large consumer products companies.

One thing I have yet to find out, What do they call a Vente in a SB in Italy?

Good luck dude

[Sparty1]

As a stay at home mom, who frequents Starbucks a few times a week, I love the place. I got to know the people there so much so that they asked me to come work there. It was awesome. If someone wants to work part-time and have the flexibility to get your kids or if you need health insurance, that's the place to work.

I think that they did overdo it with so many stores. I have 4 in a 2 mile radius of my home. I'm certainly not complaining though. They're not closing either of those down any time soon. One just opened a month ago.

[IntrepidReader]

It's only been in the past couple of years (and thanks to the internet) that I've even known what a barista is supposed to be. I'm pathetically provincial and besides, I come from an era where people who did the same sort of work except with carbonated beverages and ice cream were called soda jerks (and yes, even a pimply high school kid behind the counter of the Rexall had achieved a "certain level of expertise" about blends, flavors, and equipment maintenance). Barista sounds much fancier, almost makes it worth paying four or five bucks for a cup of coffee being served by one. Especially if the barista is really an actor, writer, comedian, or superhero who's only doing this while waiting for Hollywood to call.

[NoPCZone]

Humor, what a concept...
Starbucks was/is a pretty good cup of Joe- just not worth the prices charged, especially when you find out behind all that Fair Trade shtick is a backstory that doesn't jibe with how they treat the employees.
Note to managers/CEOs everywhere:
Treat your employees well, pay them well, offer a superior product and I'll gladly pay the price of admission. Starbucks doesn't meet that standard. Barista apparently are about like McD's burger slingers wearing a green apron.

[wagadog]

Paul Krassner is great. He came and did a benefit for the church I belonged to in Ocean Park many years ago, and believe you me, he is a real live wire in person.

But where now Lewis Black's routine, "The Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks"? He could see this coming before the Starbucks management did, apparently.

But then Comedians always "get it" before the rest of us. This is why they make us laugh -- the laugh the sudden realization of the absurdity which we'd half-recognized and half-suspected, but that they had the wit to see clearly, to verbalize and deliver in public.

[10000cranes]

I laughed when Paul did his shtick on the Joe Pine show in the late 60's and continue to laugh to this day. Thanks Paul. Tales of Tongue Brew.

[JennyJay]

Thanks for explaining the skeleton/mop joke, i didn't get it either. But I loved it once I had a picture drawn for me. What an idiot I am.

[normathumb]

Never got the whole Starbucks thing. People need jobs. It is silly to hold it against them for taking one. It's very 'classy' to scorn the help. Some people feel that when you pay stupid prices for something, you pay for the priviledge of abusing the help. Saw a guy pouring McDonalds coffee into a Starbucks cup a few weeks ago, talk about status conscious. What meeting was he about to walk into? Probably wore his lucky tie that day. I bet he buys the cat food that comes in "new fun shapes".I wonder if he refills his Perrier bottles. It is the fools who pay those prices that amuse me. It's all marketing. Suckers for "branding".

[epictetus]

The truth is that regular coffee costs less at Starbucks than at Dunkin Donuts. The 'tall' size at Starbucks has a slightly higer price than the 'small' at Dunkin Donuts, but the Starbucks is two ounces larger, so you're spending less per ounce. Considering that the beans are of a higher quality and that Starbucks brews their coffee with more ounces of roasted coffee per ounce of liquid coffee, you're getting a far better deal.

It always irritates me that people complain that Starbucks is expensive and that it's foolish to spend money there. At 'cheap' coffee places, you get watered down coffee that's more expensive.

[JBS]

But, it's also the truth there is no "regular" coffee at $tarbuck$.

They scorch the beans and it's not fit to drink..

[Pneumaticus]

Brendan Gill's son is a barrista.

[OtayPanky]

"A skeleton walks into a Starbucks and says, 'Give me a macchiato and a mop."

===

This one went right over my head...or under my sack.

Any help from the peanut gallery?

[jeffepops]

The original version of the joke takes place in a bar, and the punch line is "Give me a beer and a mop". Envision a skeleton drinking a beer -- where does the brew end up?.

[OtayPanky]

Ahhhh!

Thankee!

[kiddub]

Wow. This highlights the thing that I hate most about Starbucks: the arrogant people behind the counter who aren't successful at the career that they aspired to (writer, art critic, actor) and resent the customer for reaching a level of personal success; and/or acting like their s#@% doesn't stink because they work for Starbucks and not Dunkin' Donuts.

[jeffepops]

Wow, this highlights the thing I hate most about Starbucks, the arrogant people who come up to the counter who think that because they make a more money than the baristas-- often by doing things that most people find dull and unproductive just to make money (real estate brokers, junior agents, tax lawyers, etc.) because it's the only way they can feel good about themselves -- and resent the baristas because they have to stand in line for their own drinks instead of having an "assistant" take care of it for them. Then they act like their s#@% doesn't stink because they buy their coffee at Starbucks instead of Dunkin Donuts'.

[OtayPanky]

Wow, it's a wonderful life all the way around, isn't it.

[epictetus]

I worked at Starbucks for a total of two years, and I met a lot of interesting and driven people there. Some of the people I worked with are now working on Wall St., going to Brown Medical School, teaching english in Japan, going to veterinary school, working successfully as a DJ, another is a chef, another is going to graduate school studying historical textiles. I have another friend who used to work at Starbucks (not with me) and she's getting a PhD in Biology.

Of course, some of the people that I worked with weren't doing what they originally planned to do with their lives. Most of us were drawn to work there because the working conditions were better than those offered at Dunkin Donuts, or because we needed the health insurance that was offered to part-time workers.

[hey0there]

did you spit in their drinks like Paul?