10/05/2006 04:41 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Year Old Story

I wrote the following column in 2005 for the New York Press. In view of the upcoming outing of anti-gay closeted-gay Republicans, my advice to the Bush gang is, if you want to bomb Iran, this week would be a good time, while the American public is glued to the media, watching the scandalous new soap opera, *As the Page Turns.* In the (actual) words of William Bennett, "Hypocrisy is better than having no values at all."


"Military men are just dumb stupid animals to be used as pawns in foreign policy."
--Henry Kissinger

Although *The Daily Show* is my favorite daily show, I'm disappointed in Jon Stewart as an interviewer. When former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was a guest, Stewart obsequiously lobbed softball questions at him. More recently, when former press secretary Ari Fleischer was a guest, Stewart didn't ask him anything about Jeff Gannon, the $200-an-hour gay prostitute *cum* Bush administration propagandist in the guise of a journalist, sitting in the fourth row at White House press conferences and asking ass-kissing questions.

When that same subject came up on HBO's *Real Time,* Bill Maher speculated that Gannon must have been getting it on with somebody in the White House. Then Robin Williams filled in the blanks with an implication that this somebody in the White House was actually Karl Rove. And Walter Storch, editor of the *Barnes Review News,* reported that "Karl Rove was seen by one of my people entering a private homosexual orgy at a five-star Washington hotel over the Mid-Atlantic Leather weekend last year [2004]."

Stand-up comic Barry Crimmins envisions Gannon at a presidential press conference, wearing pink panties with a dog collar on his neck, and asking, "Who do you have to blow to get a seat in the front row?"

Crimmins, a political satirist and activist, has gone from writing for Dennis Miller to writing for *Air America Radio* [until recently]. Now, about Miller, he says, "Listening to his act is no longer something we look forward to; it is more like getting stuck in the back seat of your pop's station wagon while he lectures you on 'Americanism' through 30 miles of heavy traffic....He has carved a place for himself on the Mount Rushmore of wrong-headedness, and there he will stay for years to come, a glowering, reactionary oaf for the ages."

As a performer, Crimmins told me, "I've felt pain as I've watched hacks succeed in places where I was not welcome, but what the hell? Why should I expect them to allow me to stand on their soapbox to announce that their suds are polluting the river?"

In 1988, Crimmins was at CNN's New York studio to contribute commentary on the presidential campaign. He was chatting with CNN anchor Norma Quarles in the Green Room. "Suddenly she looked right past me and began sucking up to someone at a clip that was fantastic even for a corporate news anchor." It was Henry Kissinger. Crimmins refused to shake hands with him. Later, Quarles asked him why. "Because," he replied, "I have a strict policy of never shaking hands with war criminals." The title of his new book is *Never Shake Hands With a War Criminal.* Unless, of course, you're Jon Stewart.