Anyone who loves freedom recognizes AMC TV's zombie series The Walking Dead as an allegory for the demise of liberty after four more years under President Obama.
In the show's post-apocalyptic world, the un-dead eat the living, just as in post-Obamaclypse America, where the rich will be eaten by legions of entitlement-hungry, unemployed and illegal immigrants (many of whom don't love Jesus).
As desperate as this situation has become, perhaps a zombie apocalypse is just what we need to hit Control-Alt-Delete on our ravenous, paternalistic government.
Here are the elements of The Walking Dead (TWD) that get Republicans all steamy and turned-on in their blue blazers and pressed khakis:
Zombie Sarah Palin: still do-able
1. Limited Government: if there's an upside to the Zombie Apocalypse, it's the destruction of a bloated central government, and its multiplicity of agencies and constituents (i.e., unions and minorities). Sure, the destruction of civil society, public infrastructure and the food chain as we know them are a high price to pay, but the outcome is one that Conservatives can all celebrate.
After all, a bloated, bureaucratic central government is no less scary than being chased by the bloated corpses of the undead. And if it takes seeing one's entire family eaten by zombies to eliminate the virus of Chinese-funded government handouts to welfare mothers, then so be it.
Zombie Adam Smith: Ate the invisible hand
2. Free Markets: Adam Smith's hand isn't the only thing that's invisible on TWD. You also don't see tariffs, subsidies, or market regulation of any kind. They're invisible because they're not there.
Granted, there are also no banks, reliable means of transport or a legal system to enforce the sanctity of contracts, but let's not get bogged down in details. Also, the primary currency in TWD's "economy" is ammunition. How cool is that?
The living on TWD are fighting for their lives, but their struggle really symbolizes the struggle for freedom and the unfettered exchange of goods and services.
Can you picture wussy liberal economists John Maynard Keynes or Paul Krugman wielding hatchets, chopping zombie skulls in pursuit of the unalienable right to open markets? Hell no you can't, because the only thing those guys ever fought for is a free lunch.
(Speaking of barriers to entry, maybe if Lori had some, she wouldn't have gotten all pregnant and stuff. See item #8???? below.)
Zombie Grover Norquist: Not do-able
3. Low Taxes: Grover Norquist dreams of a world free of taxes and the tyranny of the IRS, and that's just how it is on TWD!
Oh sure, there's no power grid to run his electric beard-trimmer, and his soft corpus would make Grade A cuisine for even an only mildly-hungry zombie.
But if he did indeed get eaten, he could die satisfied that he no longer lived in a world wherein he was forced to pay exorbitant taxes that would be squandered protecting the rule of law and social order.
Hambrientos de carne (y una tarjeta verde)
4. Zombies as a Metaphor for Illegal Immigrants: As sure as Woodbury is a Shining City on a Hill representing a strong, independent Israel, so the un-dead (and unemployed!) walkers symbolize illegal immigrants who eat the flesh and jobs of hard-working Americans. When Mitt Romney talks about the 47%, he's talking about the Undead Mexicans who consume government services like a zombie sucks up eviscerated human innards.
"The best we can hope for concerning the people...is that they be properly armed." - Alexander Hamilton, The Federalist Papers
"Get cha gun, get cha gun, did you kill em all?"
- Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, 2 Glocks
5. No gun control: In a world infected by zombies, arming oneself is not only a right, it's an obligation (should you desire to live past brunch). This turns life into one big video game wherein the player blasts away at those looking to redistribute the wealth!
Bang, bang = Yay!
Collective bargaining not such a big deal now, is it Rick?
6. Public Employee Unions Rendered Powerless: Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker's fight against his state's public service unions did a lot to reduce the unions' membership and power. But his hard-fought campaign looks completely ineffectual relative to the market-cleansing power of a zombie pandemic.
Btw, if you happen to be a zombie and are looking for particularly tasty human meat, I highly recommend the beer- and cheese-fed flesh of the average Wisconsinite. Well-marbled and tasty!
"Hyundai is a brand for people like me who like the outdoors, killing zombies, and prayer in public schools." -Hyundai Brand Impact Study
7. Korean Cars that are Made in America: "Made in America" is a label we can all be proud of, especially when that label is on the Korean chaebol-produced Hyundai Santa Fe!
These babies (which are featured prominently in TWD Seasons 1 and 2) are borned in West Point, GA, a town that used to make a whole bunch of textiles (until those textiles decided to be borned in China).
Alas, West Point is in America and America is resilient, so (by the powers of the transitive property) West Point is resilient and came roaring back with the pep of a 2.4 L, 190 horsepower engine!
Maybe you shouldn't have had sex out of wedlock, Lori...
8. De Facto End to Roe v. Wade: Whether a pregnancy is the result of legitimate rape or a passionate tryst with the ex-partner of one's (thought-to-be-dead) husband, termination is not an option. Alas, there are no safe, legal abortions to be had in a world where immoral doctors have long-ago been eaten by hungry little un-dead fetuses.
Karma's a bitch, eh doc?
Not a lot of time for debate when you're decapitating the un-dead.
9. Life-or-Death Context Eliminates Need for Nuance in the Political Discourse: Republicans are big fans of binary morality: white/black, right/wrong, Fox News/MSNBC.
Nuance only gets in the way when reducing complex social and economic issues to emotionally-provocative soundbites. And there ain't no time for nit-picking when you're fighting your way through hordes of un-dead.
Same is true for elective wars.
The author lives in Atlanta (where you definitely want a reverse commute).
For more brilliant political satire by this devastatingly handsome author, see here.
The Walking Dead Photo Credit: Scott Garfield/Courtesy of AMC