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Paul Ratner

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Presidents vs. Fantasy Creatures

Posted: 06/10/2012 4:32 pm

Being an American president is like being an Avenger. The president is there to protect us from evil forces and to guide us in the hour of need. The POTUS position is more than a job, it's a symbol of all our hopes and dreams (and often the focus of all our dissatisfaction). The president also has some serious enemies. As America is bracing itself for elections and the release of the new film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, where the country's most iconic prez is fighting vampires, I thought of some other presidents who were probably fighting fantasy monsters on our behalf. Here is the list of our heroes and their special missions:

George Washington, The Dragon Slayer

* Fights fire-breathing dragons that speak with a British accent. His secret weapon: American water.

Thomas Jefferson, The Death Worm Stomper

* Stomps out Death Worms from Asia. His favorite weapon: golden foot.

Calvin Coolidge, The Cyclops Gouger

* Fights one-eyed giants. Favorite weapon: two eyes that shoot laser beams.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, The Zombie Chaser

* Chases zombies in his super-powerful wheelchair. Favorite weapon: semi-automatic stake shooter.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy, The Siren Smasher

* Smashes dangerous female creatures who lure men with their enchanting voices. Secret weapon: good looks.

Richard Nixon, The Werewolf Warrior

* Battles Un-American werewolves. Secret weapon: shapeshifting.

Bill Clinton, The Titan Tamer

* Controls powerful deities of the Golden Age. Favorite weapons: talking smoothly and wielding a big stick.

Ronald Reagan, The Gremlin Terror

* Protects the U.S. from the Kremlin and the Gremlin! Secret weapon: flying ability.

G.W. Bush, The Orc Destroyer

* Squashes grotesque human-like creatures from Middle Earth. Secret weapon: a cloaking American flag.

Barack Obama, The Leviathan Tackler

* Wrestles the enormous tentacled sea monster that eats whales and guards the doors of Hell. Secret weapon: disarming likability. Outcome of Obama vs. Leviathan still unclear.

 

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