Hammering Monkeys

07/19/2013 04:14 pm ET | Updated Sep 18, 2013

This story is taken from my upcoming book of surreal anecdotes and flash fiction fairy tales for adults called "The Mundane Uses of Magical Objects"

They were hammering away for three straight days until you could tell what they were making. It was an enormous hammer, the size of the oldest and tallest sequoia! And once the monkeys were done, they coated themselves with glue and stuck to each other in the shape of a giant hand! And then this Hand of Monkeys grabbed the Enormous Hammer and started banging on everything around. They hit the fields of wheat, the mountains of melting snow, the skyscapers full of people, the barges carrying skin for plastic surgery. The monkeys beat up on everything there was, destroying all completely with the terrible Hammer. When they were done, the world looked kind of like mashed potatoes. Only not so nicely colored.

And this is when the monkeys stopped hammering on everything since it was no longer quite as rewarding as they were essentially making powder. And as they looked over the awesome results of what they had done, they started to get embarrassed. "Who has authorized this, anyway?" inquired one timid monkey that was immediately hit by the Hammer -- an understandable reaction to the first who utters such questions. But then the other monkeys started thinking about this as well, and no one seemed to know why the hammering had begun now and why it had to be so conclusive -- what were they supposed to do now that most of the world could be snorted?

They debated this question for a few years, during which most of the monkeys died of starvation or disease they caught eating the other monkeys. The few monkeys that remained were still interested in finding out who was at fault for the mismanaged cataclysm they had caused. So they held countless meetings until all the last monkeys died.

The only thing still in one piece by this point was the Hammer the monkeys made. It was very itchy for action -- so it hit the fabric of existence and made a giant hole. Through the hole it could see you, the reader of this story. So it took aim right at your head and hammered you right into nothing. Now you are nothing! Enjoy.

If you like this story, you can check out another one here.