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Paul Slansky

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(Dukakis + Kerry) x Nixon = Romney

Posted: 08/03/2012 6:22 pm

It's hard to imagine a story the Republican candidate's campaign would less like the media to focus on -- with the possible exception, thanks to the relentless Gail Collins, of Seamus on the car roof -- than his mystery tax returns, which is why, of course, it's so delightful that the pitiless media spotlight is circling just that spot.

The Massachusetts era of Democratic political brilliance ran from JFK through John McCormack and Tip O'Neill, abruptly crashing to a halt in 1988 with the hapless Michael Dukakis, the anti-Kennedy, a black hole of uncharisma destined to be remembered for two things -- his bloodless debate reaction to the proposition that his wife was raped and killed, and, most definitively, the "Snoopy in the tank" video. Sixteen years later we had John Kerry windsurfing while letting himself -- an actual war hero, as opposed to the Smirking Chimp, with his affinity for going AWOL -- be put on the defensive about his military service.

But both of them pale in comparison to the astonishing spectacle of Willard Mitt ("Mittens") Romney, with his preternaturally pitch-perfect ability -- witness his less than triumphant foreign jaunt -- to say or do exactly the wrong thing. Mittens' basic discomfort with himself approaches the Nixonian (though their backgrounds could hardly be less similar), and we have three more months of his egregious hilariousness -- and three debates -- to look forward to.

At long last it's the Republicans who are stuck with one of these pathetically miscast losers, and don't think they don't know it. Even, maybe especially, among the upper echelon of his increasingly lunatic party, Mittens is not just barely tolerated but is roundly despised by many of the people whose job it is to sell him, and yet who are incapable of hiding their lack of enthusiasm about it. They can't stand him, viscerally, for the same reason any average sane being can't stand him: He is personally insufferable.

He is a compulsive liar, and never more so than when he tells himself he deserves to be the most powerful man in the world. Everything Mittens says is patently false, whether it's about something political -- this idiotic meme we've endured throughout Obama's term about his "anti-Americanism" (i.e. BLACKNESS!) -- or something more of the essence of who he is, like his absurd declaration that he found the earlier kerfuffle about his taxes "amusing." Yes, how they must have giggled in Mittland at those little people thinking they could make him tell them anything about himself that he felt the need to keep hidden -- which, apparently, is pretty much everything, except for the odd fact like that he went through a shootin' phase (though only, it turned out, against "small varmints") or that he thinks that in Michigan "the trees are the right height." His sublime gaffes -- be they verbal, tonal, or political (or, in his case, sometimes all three at once) -- just keep coming. He can't stop himself, it's who -- or more truthfully, what -- he is. If "corporations are people, my friends," well, some people seem more like body-snatched corporate androids.

Mittens' people are surely unthrilled with their inability to hide his cluelessness -- and, it happily seems, his wife's -- about how ordinary humans (in this case, the 99.5%) think, speak and feel. So the Democrats smell a certain kind of blood in the water -- Massachusetts blood, the anemic kind they've been periodically spilling over the past quarter-century -- and suddenly they're all emboldened and they've managed to grow a pair. (It would be nice to see Obama govern with a fraction of the ruthlessness he campaigns with.) And who gets to whip them out on the table? Wussy Harry Reid.

Even Jon Stewart took him to task, but Reid, despite that savage scolding, is channeling LBJ's brutality, however bland the presentation -- who knows, maybe he read the Caro -- and is doubling down on the claim, indisputable by anyone but Mittens himself, that the presumptive Republican nominee for president "hasn't paid any taxes for ten years." And, of course, being the quintessentially terrible candidate that he is, he plays right into it by continuing to refuse to provide the very information that could prove his accusers to be scurrilous liars. Now, why on earth would he do that, unless ...?

Of course, there can be no other ending than the release of his tax returns. The beauty of it is that the longer he stonewalls, the more solidified becomes the notion, loudly and repeatedly trumpeted, that he's hiding something, and the weaker he'll look when he finally and inevitably capitulates and releases them, by which time the media-fueled certainty that they must be damaging will have the public primed to see them negatively. And they will not disappoint.

If you have any belief in any kind of God, pray to Him, Her or It that Mittens is still hiding his tax returns when he and Obama step on stage for the first debate.

 
 
 
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Lynette
Liberals have a lot more fun!
12:43 AM on 08/07/2012
Great article.
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BassguyGG
Former Moderate driven Left by eight years of Bush
02:26 PM on 08/06/2012
As with the Democrats with Dukakis in 1988, the Republicans know they are running a stinker. Still, he's THEIR stinker and they're gonna vote for him. I mean, even if the President fell off the face of the Earth and the Democrats searched long and hard for the stupidest Dem to run in his place, I STILL wouldn't vote for Mitt Romney!
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annekeb68
Fairly Unbalanced
01:07 PM on 08/06/2012
Is it wrong of me to think Romney is dirtier than Nixon? I'm too young to remember what Nixon was like as president I only go by what I've read of him. With Romney I go by what I see right in front of me on the news and I don't like any of it.
12:34 PM on 08/06/2012
The Republicans are counting on low voter turnout, and outspending the Democrats. If this can be achieved they may have a chance. And if it's close who knows? It could 2000 all over again. Hopefully, we all realize what is at stake and progressive people go out 'en masse' and vote. We need changes in both houses too! We need a congress and senate that will work with the president to get things done, instead of saying No, No and No at every turn.
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Blogging Patriot
Facts instead of Faux
09:50 AM on 08/06/2012
1. "I'm not trying to return to Reagan-Bush." (October 25, 1994)

"The principles that Ronald Reagan espoused are as true today as they were when he I spoke them." (May 25, 2010)

2. "Many, many years ago, I had a dear close family relative who was very close to me who passed away from an illegal abortion. It is since that time that my mother and my family have been committed to the belief that we can believe as we want, but we cannot force our beliefs on others in that matter. And you will not see me wavering on that." (November 2, 2002)

"Roe v. Wade has gone too far." (June 25, 2007)

3. "We do have tough gun laws in Massachusetts; I support them. I won't chip away at them; I believe they protect us and provide for our safety." (September 24, 2002)

"I'm after the NRA's endorsement." (April 5, 2007)

4. "I think there is need for economic stimulus" (January 4, 2009)

"I have never supported the President's recovery act, all right, the stimulus, no time, nowhere, no how." (September 28, 2011)

5. "I've been a hunter pretty much all my life." (April 4, 2007)

"Any description of my being a hunter is an overstatement of capability." (April 10, 2007)
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GreggyMark
05:01 AM on 08/06/2012
Republicans are like lemmings. Doesn't matter how terrible the candidate, they will all vote for him en masse. Great Americans!
04:19 AM on 08/06/2012
BLACKNESS! sigh. I was going to e-mail this entertaining article ("smirking chimp" love it) to my friends except the race nonsense lowers it
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MsLizabeth
Flaming liberal, burned out attorney
05:54 AM on 08/06/2012
When enough American stop voting based upon race, we will stop saying American voters are basing their choice on race. I live in Alabama. I know.
07:30 AM on 08/06/2012
Virginia. Ditto.
09:28 AM on 08/06/2012
Get real.

Obama has essentially governed from the Right since inauguration, and he's still pilloried by the same folks he's capitulating to.

Clearly the opposition is not political. What's left besides race?
Bufford P Tusser
Impeach this!
01:16 PM on 08/06/2012
yep.......

f and f
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Bezweifeln
Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment.
01:04 AM on 08/06/2012
Bill Clinton was a pathological liar and he won two terms by pandering to anyone he could, why not Mittens? All of these side shows don't matter to the republican voter (and how many independents) because they think he will be guided by wise, good-business advice. Obama is seen as someone who has not succeeded with his earlier campaign rhetoric and is certainly beholden to the same corporate interests that all of them end up serving eventually.
07:10 AM on 08/06/2012
Bill Clinton was a four-term Governor of Arkansas, with successful initiatives in roadbuilding, edcuation reform and urban healthcare establishment under his belt.

What does Governor Romney have to show for his four years in the corner office in Boston? An abysman job creation record (47th out of 50 states) and Obamacare.
02:38 PM on 08/06/2012
You're right about Romney's job creation record in Mass being 47th when he left office. But there's one small probelm for those who think this was something bad: The jobless rate was at a low 4.7%. In other words, the Mass. economy was at FULL EMPLOYMENT and had little room left to grow. If the national economy was at FULL EMPLOYMENT job growth would be a trickle bacause most people able work are employed. In fact, Romney's record as governor is more impressive than Clinton's, which is why Clinton has trouble saying bad things about him-and probably prefers him over Obama to be president
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Bezweifeln
Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment.
07:39 PM on 08/06/2012
First of all, I was not promoting Mittens at all, rather, trying to make the point that people vote emotionally, not based on real facts. Secondly, you had me google Mr. Clinton's record as Governor and on the face of it, he appears to have been a good Governor.
12:47 AM on 08/06/2012
I truly believe that just as I could not bring myself to vote for John Kerry, many Republicans will not be able to bring themselves to vote for Willard. They will do exactly what I did, throw away my vote on any third party name on the ballot or sit it out. Sometimes even lifelong members of political parties cannot support the nominee. Sometimes our stomachs won't allow it. There may be democrats who are disappointed the President hasn't been able to move his agenda, but they will still vote for him. I seriously doubt Willard can say the same.
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MsLizabeth
Flaming liberal, burned out attorney
05:59 AM on 08/06/2012
I hope you live in a solid blue or red state so that your failure to vote did not have a chance to affect the outcome. It kills me that I live in a red state, yet I vote every four years for the Democratic nominee. People have been murdered in my state because they helped register blacks to vote. Women were jailed by Woodrow Wilson for wanting the right to vote.

Votes count just like head hairs count. They are lost one at a time.
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Fred M White
Facts know no bias my republican friends...
12:30 AM on 08/06/2012
Well that was pretty devastating to the Mitten's campaign and it had the benefit of being correct throughout. By failing to get them out in January and February when his republicon opposition was calling for the release, he missed out on the chance to get any bad news behind him. This will not end well for the Romney candidacy. And that my friends is a very very good thing for the rest of us. Sometimes, against all odds, including a republicon congress that was willing to let the country go to hell in a handbasket rather than see the economy improve and perhaps help the President's re-election chances, fate intervenes and things really do turn out ok in the end. "God bless us everyone" Tiny Tim.....
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Judie Vc
rMONEY OUTSPENDS SICKY 6:1 ON Mi = UNELECTABLE!!!!
03:52 AM on 08/06/2012
LOL F& F FredWhite.
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Kevin Boers
I'm a dinosaur
12:19 AM on 08/06/2012
(cont)

Given the amount of hurt it is doing to his campaign (Stephen Colbert's programme recently suggested that a "generic Republican" would beat Obama but Romney is behind and Romney should change to a generic Republican) one can only suppose (and I reckon pretty much all of us has made the same speculation) that the returns contain information that would hurt Romney more than not releasing them, the only two scenarios that fit is that the tax paid is zero or very low.

There is also another thing that I can not discuss due to space reasons that being whether the returns, given the number of ways tax can legally be avoided and that half of our politicians are millionaires, is whether the returns fully disclose the person's financial position anyway.
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Kevin Boers
I'm a dinosaur
12:16 AM on 08/06/2012
John Stewart took Harry Reid to task not for the he has not paid taxes in 10 years comment but for the follow up to that which was that Romney's father would be embarassed about his son not releasing his tax returns. Yes, he made a comment on the speculative nature of Reid's comments but then juxtaposed that against speculative comments that Fox News tends to make and called it a wash. It was the Romney would be embarassed about his son comments that he objected to. And it was reasonable to object to that comment, there was no need for it and I expect better than this from our leaders. After all we are supposed to look up to them, hard to do when they are spewing this out.

Having said that I am not as sure that the comments are about what might be in the returns are as unwarranted as Stewart says they are. It is a long standing tradition, one that Romney must have known about and implicitly agreed to, to release at least 5 years of returns. He has failed to do so and despite all the comment and the hurt to his campaign that it must be doing he still refuses to release and when asked questions about it point blank refuses to answer, promises to get back with more information and doesn't or says that it is not our right to know.
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nkurland
I'm going to leave this planet alive
11:03 PM on 08/05/2012
This isn't 1936. Obama isn't FDR. Romney isn't Nixon, Kerry or Dukakis: his campaign's vaguery is far worse than any of them. But Romney is unquestionably Alf Landon.

Until 1936, Landon had no track record of conservatism as Governor of Kansas. Though fiscally conservative, he took distinctly liberal positions on civil liberties, regulation and conservation. As Arthur Schlesinger put it "He occupied a middle ground between the old fashioned Republicans and the New Deal." Nor was his initial intent to criticize the New Deal on grounds of Socialism or tyranny, but instead cost, pace and administration.

All of this changed once Landon received the nomination. Under the direction of campaign manager John Hamilton, Landon moved steadily to the right and by the end of the campaign, Landon's stump speeches routinely promised to cut spending while simultaneously promising to preserve or even expand the agricultural and Social Security programs in full.

As with Landon, Romney is at the mercy of the base. Party leaders favor him for his moderate track record but he's been forced to shift right to appease the base. Voters are supposed to believe his private sector experience is necessary to fix the economy even as he runs away from his time at Bain or any specific proposal.

For both candidates, a conflict between personal and party politics make a coherent platform impossible. Nor has the right been able to formulate a compelling argument against Obama's track record.
02:57 PM on 08/06/2012
This isn't 1936. The infectiously optimistic FDR, unlike the ineffective Obama, had most Americans eating out of his hand wrongly believing that the New Deal was working in turning the economy around. With 75% of Americans believing that Obama's new New Deal is a failure and that the economy is going to get worse voters want a change of direction and competence in a leader instead of deceptive charisma and charm. America is in the mood to roll the dice again for Hope n Change and will vote in Romney as 45th president.
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Puller58
Man of Mystery
10:53 PM on 08/05/2012
Sure. Romney is a horrible candidate, but can the Democrats really do much with that when they are as much owned by the Corporate world as are the GOP?
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Inkeesgirl
You can't take the sky from me...
12:28 AM on 08/06/2012
I have asked myself that same question, President Obama at least pretends to care about the average person
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valkygrrl
Hail Eris
02:13 AM on 08/06/2012
The way I see it, if they'd both screw you at Obama would buy me dinner and flowers first and kiss me after.
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Judie Vc
rMONEY OUTSPENDS SICKY 6:1 ON Mi = UNELECTABLE!!!!
04:01 AM on 08/06/2012
Yea, they can because they owned as the GOTP or they would be clamoring to lower taxes, not tax big corp, not close loopholes, deregulate, oil subsidies, cut medicare, SS and all the things GOTP want to cut, Iran war sold to Adelson. No wonder Rich donors are beating down Myth's donor. dems do have to fund election too so they accept eletion $ but they never sell you out, not completely, unless it's GOTP obstruction stopping their hand.
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Ruth Rocchio
Art all the time, no matter what!
10:14 PM on 08/05/2012
I thoroughly enjoyed this essay! It was brilliantly brutal and scathingly honest! KUDOS.
04:24 AM on 08/06/2012
After this, I would click on whatever Sklansky writes -- which is why I think it sad to see one word --"BLACKNESS" -- ruin it. The same tired card was played when Ron Paul got some exposure. Just sad.
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MsLizabeth
Flaming liberal, burned out attorney
05:51 AM on 08/06/2012
Like a kid who doesn't mind his mother gets tired of being told "don't," some Americans will continue to vote against Obama because he is black, and then complain when their prejudice is noted.