Welcome to my blog entry for The Huffington Post. A blog entry for the Huffington Post? Jesus. This better be smart-sounding. Smart-sounding? Is that even a word? Should I not have hyphenated? I'm already in over my head here.
When I was asked to contribute to this fine bastion of enlightened thinking, I leaped from my chair in excitement. Oh, don't be such a transparent phony. These people can smell bullshit a mile away. I'd better go look at this website and see what I'm dealing with here........
(ten minutes later)
...I am so fucked. I'm barely familiar with half of the subject matter. Tainted wheat gluten? I heard a little about that. Chocolate Jesus? Sounds familiar. I think I saw them open for Built to Spill at the Troubadour. Bush pollster Matthew Dowd's self-immolation? I don't understand a word of that sentence.
Christ, am I at 200 words yet? 145? Crap. Alright, pull yourself together. When in doubt, talk about yourself.
I appreciate the opportunity to speak a few words about my film, Watching the Detectives, premiering at the Tribeca Film Festival. Okay. Now what?
Um, it stars Lucy Liu and Cillian Murphy. That's good. These people probably know who they are. These political-types probably saw The Wind That Shakes the Barley, Cillian's palme d'or winning film. I better google palme d'or and see if I'm spelling it right...... Holy shit! I got it on the first try. Maybe I do belong here. Ooh, that reminds me, I better go watch The Wind That Shakes the Barley. I'm gonna see Cillian at the party and he'll think I'm a jerk if I don't talk about the film....
And everybody knows Lucy. Probably a bunch of closet Ally McBeal junkies on this page. Remember that dancing baby? Ah, those were simpler times....
Watching the Detectives is my first directing effort, though I have collaborated on a handful of films, like Super Troopers, Club Dread, and Beerfest. Idiot! There goes any bit of clout I may have had. I would've been better off telling a polack joke. Oops. I think Arianna Huffington may be Polish. She has that accent. And Huffington is a classic Polish sur-name. I'd better wikipedia her....
(five minutes later)
...Whew. Greek. I'm off the hook. The Greeks love me. I myself am not Greek, but many people think I am, because my last name is Greek. Soter. Greek for "Savior." How do you like that? Soteriology is actually the study of salvation through Jesus Christ. Now THAT'S a fun fact that should be on my wikipedia page. Just like on Arianna's wikipedia page, it says that she wrote a song for Vangelis and her first husband was bisexual.
I wonder what's on my wikipedia page? Let's check....
(ninety seconds later)
...Well, that was a kick in the crotch. One sentence, containing four facts. Two of them untrue. My birthdate is inaccurate, and I was not a member of Beta Theta Pi fraternity. There is at least, a link to Watching the Detectives. My movie. Which is what I was supposed to be writing about on my blog entry. But now it's late, and I'm tired. And I probably don't have enough words left.
Oh, well. If you want to know more about my film, check out the wikipedia link. I don't have the heart to click on it.