First encounters can dictate the long-term trajectory of relationships. A frame is constructed in that first meet. Roles crystalize and the dance is defined.
This has particular relevance in helping relationships, by which I mean any interaction with asymmetric power or experience. This would include teacher-student, coach-athlete, doctor-patient, employer-employee, parent-child, mentor-mentee and many more. In this setting both the trajectory of the relationship and the potential success of the one being helped are at stake.
We humans are particularly attuned to reading what we think is expected of us in initial interactions. It is easy to forget that we learn these roles. In this sense we teach people, often unconsciously, how to be students or patients or employees.
This all sounds quite obvious and yet it seems to get little attention. Too often the helpers rush to identify what needs fixing. We inadvertently identify the individual with the problem. In beginning with what's wrong we risk not knowing whom we're trying to help. And this is a costly misstep.
Medicine and teaching provide good examples of this. The doctor-patient relationship usually begins with some form of "What brings you in?" To initiate a relationship with an immediate focus on what's wrong, what doesn't work, the incapacity, defines the individual as a set of flaws. Both medicine and teaching test for disability and then engage.
If the goal is to motivate, you need to know whom you are trying to help. This is more than the things that need changing. It is as importantly, what strengths, values, dreams, fears and role models reside within them. These provide the fulcrum helpers always need to reach people. The helper must be able to envision a successful client in order to empower them by reflecting back their unique capacities.
After too many years of starting with what's wrong, I tried the opposite. I explained that we would get to the problem but in order to understand their situation it would be most helpful for them to give me a picture of what they were like at their best.
This does not waste time or minimize the problem. On the contrary it speeds the formation of an alliance and provides a treasure trove of data that will be essential to doing the hard work of helping someone change.
The first question is "What's right with you?"