For nearly eight years, I held leadership positions in international women's organizations. And for all eight of those years, every time a stranger asked me what I did for a living, I always felt a brief twinge of discomfort, as if I needed to offer some kind of caveat or explanation when I answered the question.
Why such strange behavior on my part? Was I not bold enough to stand behind my own beliefs?
It wasn't until recently, when my good friends started having children, that I figured out what was really bothering me. And it had nothing to do with a lack of conviction. What bothered me is the way that men are being increasingly left out of the picture.
***
The first clue for me came last year, when my friends Diane and Edward had their first child, a little girl. Immediately after the birth, Diane took parental leave from work for three months, Edward for a week and half. He wanted to stay home longer during this special time in his family's life, but his work was putting pressure on him, and he responded. As their girl got a little older, Diane adjusted her work schedule so that she was with her daughter part-time, while Edward continued to work full-time.
I casually asked Diane if she was okay with this arrangement. Did she see it as a problem that she was taking on most of the childcare duties?
Her answer turned typical understanding on its head. To the contrary, she explained, it's also a privilege to be able to take off time to care for a child. If Edward had it his way, he would also reduce his workload in favor of family time. But he couldn't, because this decision would have raised serious eyebrows in his company. When women take time out for children, it's accepted and even encouraged; not so for men.
The scenario was repeated multiple times. Six months later, another set of friends, Jess and Charles, had a beautiful baby boy. Jess had two baby showers, special medical attention, tons of support from friends and family, and access to several local mothers' groups for moral support. She was psychologically and emotionally prepared for motherhood.
Her husband got the opposite treatment. After a short few weeks of parental leave, he returned to the office. Every day, he would put in a full day at work, then commute back home to take the parental night shift -- an additional eight hours taking care of his son. Of course, Charles had given up much of his social life (and his sleep) to do this; but unlike his wife, he had no fathers' groups he could join to help make up for the gap. When Jess had a challenge, she could turn to mommy blogs, online forums, and an entire industry of self-help products aimed at new moms; Charles, by contrast, was left to navigate this major life transition mostly on his own.
Because apparently, society doesn't think fatherhood is a job as worthy of support and admiration as motherhood.
***
Far be it from me to suggest what decisions individuals and couples should make about how to raise their families. As far as I'm concerned, the whole range of possibilities -- from stay-at-home moms and dads to working and single parents -- is fine, so long as the arrangement works well for the individuals involved.
But there's an ironic double standard at play here. Women can demand full equality in the workforce, but the idea that we should have priority in parenting roles is somehow left sacrosanct. We can complain about the wage gap; we can react in fury when former Harvard President Larry Summers suggests there might be a genetic basis for women's underrepresentation in science and engineering. But somehow we don't question it when a similar type of thinking is applied to families. We're the mothers, after all. We're the ones who bear children for nine months. Of course we should have priority in child-rearing decisions, especially in the first few years.
Family life is but one area in which circumstances have been changing rapidly. In her controversial article, "The End of Men," Hanna Rosin argued that we are headed toward an upcoming era of female dominance -- a time when women, not men, will occupy the society's most powerful and lucrative positions. Her argument may be greatly exaggerated, but the overall point is not. Much has shifted for women. And in most cases, our reactions have not caught up.
Why, for example, aren't women's groups yelling about how boys are now dramatically underperforming girls in elementary education -- and increasingly underrepresented in higher education? Does our silence mean this is actually acceptable? Where is the solidarity with men's groups, who have been complaining for years about the way that many state laws discriminate against men in areas like parental leave, divorce, and child custody?
Bring such questions up behind closed doors, and the responses from women's advocates are sometimes quite smug. Men have been dominating society forever, the basic response goes. Is it really so bad if the tables get turned a little?
And this, in a nutshell, is the kind of thinking that has made me so uncomfortable for so many years.
We no longer live in the era depicted in the television series "Mad Men" -- where women can only be secretaries, and their main purpose is to look good for their husbands. Yes, there is still much important work to be done. Yes, the journey is far from over.
But we also have to recognize the places where we're already there, or we risk simply replacing one hierarchy with another.
***
Let me state this as clearly as possible. I wholeheartedly support organizations working to advance the status of women globally. Is it important to make sure that girls in developing countries aren't systematically denied the right to elementary education? Absolutely. Should we try to prevent the loss of more than 350,000 women every year who die from preventable complications of childbirth and pregnancy? Definitely.
But I got involved with this work because of a bigger vision, one that was not just about women. I got involved because I think people shouldn't be denied access to opportunity based on criteria that have nothing to do with their abilities -- whether the yardstick is the color of their skin or the economic circumstances of their parents (or, of course, their gender).
It's a value that is fundamental to American culture. We want to bring as many people as possible to the table; what you achieve when you get there is up to you.
And the point is, barriers are barriers, whether they affect the boardroom table or the kitchen table. There's no reason we shouldn't be as concerned with removing these obstacles when they occur for men as when they occur for women.
Follow Paula Goldman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/pdgoldman
Melanie Gorman: Want Some Cheese with That Whine? How to Stop the Complaint Cycle
it really depends.
I think a lot of women need to learn that just because the changing, dressing, feeding or what not is done somewhat differently than they'd do it, it's not wrong. they need to learn to give up some control.
A lot of women, my wife included in the beginning, have trouble with that. They want to make all the decisions, do everything, criticize if the husband does, but then complain when they are tired the guy doesn't do anything
Same goes with housework. My wife will complain she makes the bed every day. Yes, becuase if i do it, differently slightly than her, she remakes it lol
my wife is a teacher. so she works less hours than me. So she obviously 'parents' more. but i make sure that when i am home, i do the bulk of the diaper changing and cleaning up of kid messes and the rest of the less fun stuff. i try to do as close to 100% of that as i can, and that way we can do the fun stuff together or maybe a little more toward me since she is with him more.
its tiring but shes tired too so it's a way to keep everything running smoothly.
Two weeks later i was laid off. Rumor was the time off was the reason for that. They dont like men taking time off. Women were given 3 months automatically.
unfortunately i'd love to be home for a few months with my children-we are having a second-but its not an option. I am lucky my company now is m ore family friendly and i can take a week (using my vacation time).
i did find that a lot of the 'mommy' sites for new kids didnt want men to post there either even though i was looking for advice, support, etc. to help more.
Someitmes I feel like we are told to help more, that wives and women need more support, but when we try to be a part of that, we are pushed out.
I learned that my "partner", who seemed to be about "equal parenting" didn't think that applied to spit up, snot, or soiled diapers. I took a job at night to help with the money end, and came home to find disposables "fully loaded". I had to handle all the parent/teacher meetings, the assemblies, the class trips."Equal parenting" meant when he felt inclined. And I have heard the same from a LOT of women. Parenthood is a 24/7/365 deal. If you are sick, there is no "off button". There are no breaks---no vacations.
While I am sure there are men who might want to be more active as parents, most I know play the "paycheck game". The parent who is the primary care giver usually works only part time...so because they make less, they are expected to "parent" more. One day,my husband made a remark about my salary being less...and to my shocked surprise, my daughter, then eleven remarked. "Daddy, mom doesn't have half a job...she has a job and a half. She takes care of us AND she works."
And so it goes...
Yours is the "traditional" model of family life, where dad is required to do NOTHING but bring home a pay check. Mine is the reality, where mom DOES work outside the home...and inside the home. And all over the damned place.But the arrogant tone of your reply is hard to miss.This is not "Father Knows Best", fella...it's real life. Women get tired.
Women get sick. And Women get tired of constantly being expected to be obsequious in the face of no help at all.
Your article basically points up the unfortunate fact that most women consider motherhood a goal, that whole traditional family picture by default, whereas for men it's a choice. Maybe we'll be better of when there are as many self-appointed bachelorettes as there are bachelors.
All oppressed peoples are allowed to struggle to achieve their goals. Except women, who are urged to stay in their oppressed roles and fight for the elevation of their oppressors.
It may be that males have always been less skilled in academics. When the Stanford-Binet and other intelligence tests were developed, females did much better than males on the tests. So, the tests were changed to give males a leg up.
If a man truly cares about spending time with his newborn baby, then he wont care what the guys at work think.
Other than social pressure, and the possible sacrifice of career advancement, (which women have been dealing with for decades) I don't know what other barriers you are talking about.
Yes, women deserve full equality in the work force but to say that women have the idea that motherhood is sacred for only women is a little far reaching. Most women would gladly accept help from their male counterparts where parenting is concerned. Parenting is an exhausting job and primarily left up to the mother. Why? Because not a lot of men are willing to step up and take on diaper duty, Dr. appointments, laundry, sickness, etc. It's much easier to leave it up to the mother, not because society dictates so, but because it's easier.
“Because apparently, society doesn't think fatherhood is a job as worthy of support and admiration as motherhood.”
Men, in general, do not think parenting is worthy of support/admiration. It’s not an attitude of society, it’s an attitude from men and it’s going to take a few more future generations for full parental attitude equality to exist. We still have people from my father’s generation who have it ingrained that parenting is left up to the mother. That very attitude is what has been passed down from generation to generation. Until that way of thinking is changed, the woman will still be the primary parent.
For the record, not all men think in this way. Most people just try to get through the day the best they can.
As stated above, not a lot of men are willing to step up and help out and take on the â€mothering’ duties. There are exceptions of course, but for the most part men have willingly left it up to women to take care of the kids while they went out and had a career.
I agree with you that there is a double standard, but the double standard comes from MEN in society, not necessarily women. I think women, in general, understand why time off is necessary to parent a child.
To be clear, I do not speak for all women.
Lastly, I did enjoy your article. It is always interesting to see other perspectives. Not everything is black and white.