THE BLOG
10/25/2013 04:32 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

5 Tips for Managing Your Mistress

Maybe it's just me, but the worst part about having a mistress is the 'getting caught' part; otherwise, it's all upside. If someone tells you the sex part is the worst part, and the 'getting caught' part is the best part, that's a man who needs to reconsider his fetishes. Regardless, your chances of avoiding that 'getting caught' downside are greatly improved by adhering to five simple tips for mistress management:

Tip #1: You never want to risk shouting the wrong name during sex, so if at all possible find a mistress with the same name as your wife. This can be a challenge because wives tend to have names like Diane and Helen, and mistresses tend to have names like Starla and Destiny. Because phone books are organized by last name, the most efficient method of scouting mistress candidates is to shout your wife's name in a crowd and see who turns her head. The challenge becomes much greater if you like to call out first and last names during sex. Note: The desirability of some mistress candidates outweigh strict adherence to this principle, so if you have the opportunity to sleep with Marion Cotillard, and your wife refuses to change her name to Marion Cotillard, you might have to retrain yourself to shout your own name during sex.

Tip #2: Women have a heightened sense of smell, meaning you have to shower every time you leave your mistress's house, or let's be honest, mistress's parents' condo. Showering can be a major mood killer if being the rugged, non-showering type was the angle you played to score this mistress in the first place. Hair takes an hour to dry, and you'll have to spend that hour listening to Starla talk about her day, and if you wanted to be bored to tears hearing about a woman's day you'd be at home with your wife. Instead of having to wash off your mistress' perfume, why not buy her the same perfume your wife wears? You could apply this trick in reverse and buy your wife the same perfume your mistress wears, but do you really want your wife to smell like a whore?

Tip #3: You know how you've never once spotted your wife's new manicure, and she still pretends to be surprised the one-hundredth time you don't notice? She's not pretending. She expects you to notice because women notice. They notice everything. In fact, scientists are now referring to women as 'nature's greatest noticers'. Your wife notices things like manicures, and haircuts, and long red hairs on her pillow. This is why I suggest recruiting a mistress with the same hair color as your wife. Hair length can also be a giveaway, so send your mistress to your wife's same hairdresser. You can eliminate a step if your mistress also happens to be your wife's hairdresser, but I've got to warn you that a woman and her hairdresser talk about everything, especially the rugged, non-showering man they're both seeing.

Tip #4: Keep your stories straight by recreating the exact same stories. You never want to risk referencing an experience you didn't share with your wife, so if you watch a DVD with your mistress, go right home and watch that same DVD with your wife. If you and your mistress are having sex in a park, and the homeless guy watching you turns out to be a down-on-his-luck celebrity, that's a story people need to hear, so drop your mistress off at her trailer, pick up your wife and race back to that park. But what happens when you and your wife are having sex in the park and Alfonso Ribeiro asks, "This isn't the same girl you were having sex with an hour ago, is it?" See Tip #5.

Tip #5: You and your mistress can't spend all your time on your mistress's girlfriend's ex-husband's boat. Eventually she'll accuse you of only being interested in sex, so you'll have to take her out to dinner and a movie and sex in the park. You're sure to bump into people your wife knows when you take her to the same places you take your wife (See Tip #4), e.g., restaurants, church, parent-teacher conferences, and you may find success confusing those acquaintances if your mistress and wife share a resemblance. At a very minimum your mistress should have the same breast and ass size, eye color, and ethnicity. Also, the exact same face, if possible. If you want to be extra careful, you should insist your mistress dress in the same style as your wife, but if her waitressing tips don't enable her to match your wife's expensive tastes, you might need to borrow a few items from your wife's wardrobe. Dressing your mistress in your wife's clothing will provide extra cover if the two of you happen to bump into your wife, because you might be able to convince your wife she's having an out-of-body experience, but you'll never convince her she'd wear those shoes.

And if finding a mistress who looks, dresses, and smells like your wife, likes the same DVDs as your wife, and shares the same name as your wife seems like too much trouble, well, for a guy having an affair, you manage to feel awfully sorry for yourself. Maybe you better just stick to sleeping with your wife.

Subscribe to the Entertainment email.
Home to your favorite fan theories and the best movie recs.