First thing's first: I'm not saying that we shouldn't be supportive or encouraging, or help kids feel loved. But how often do we find ourselves saying "great job!" to the 4-year-old who cleans up her crayons after a coloring session? Or to the 8-year-old who finishes his broccoli? By dishing out praise to a child for doing things she should be doing anyway, we teach her that she gets rewarded just for being. Later, we tell them they're smart and beautiful and awesome baseball players before they've had a chance to earn it -- or know what those words really mean. They grow up placing their self-worth in that praise: If I'm not told I'm beautiful, she'll start to think, then I must not be.
Research with children and families has indeed told us that praise has the opposite intended effect. It does not make children work harder, or do better. In fact, kids who are told they're bright and talented are easily discouraged when something is "too difficult;" those who are not praised in such a manner are more motivated to work harder and take on greater challenges. The unpraised, in turn, show higher levels of confidence, while overpraised are more likely to lie to make their performances sound better. Praise becomes like a drug: once they get it, they need it, want it, are unable to function without it.
Let's look at 6-year-old Matthew. A natural athlete, Matthew was widely praised at an early age for his throwing and catching abilities. Once he became old enough to play with other children, he realized, for the first time, that he was good -- but perhaps not the best. What happened then? In Little League games, he'd choke up, constantly looking back to his parents for encouragement and forgetting to keep his eye on the ball. He'd get upset if his every effort wasn't met with accolades from his coach -- but such accolades wouldn't help him perform any better. Safe in the envelope of constant praise that happened in his backyard with his dad, Matthew was a bundle of nerves out in the real world.
Here's where we also see how praising kids sets them up for a world that's almost never as generous. For kids who've spent their lives being celebrated for, say, tying their own shoes, failure can be devastating. In a recent New York magazine article, 27-year-old Lael Goodman said, "The worst thing is that I've always gotten self-worth from performance, especially good grades. But now that I can't get a job, I feel worthless." And this guy's an adult; it's even worse for an actual child. What's more, by focusing too much on how we can build our kids' self-esteem and confidence, we're overlooking teaching them what real achievement means -- and depriving them of knowing what it's like to feel the satisfaction of setting a high goal, working hard, and achieving it. When we place more emphasis on the reward than the process of learning or doing -- whether it's an algebra problem or hitting a fly ball -- kids inevitably focus more on the reward. They stop learning how to spell because it's a benchmark for learning (and necessary); they learn it for the trophy and ice cream party that follows.
The point isn't to criticize children. But it's to recognize that self-esteem really, truly comes as the result of achievement -- in the classroom, on the field, at home -- rather than false accomplishments. Instead of praising your child with "you're so smart!" be specific. Tell him, "You did a great job on your spelling quiz," or simply, "You tied your own shoes!" Instead of telling him he's he best on the team when you really don't mean it, tell him you could tell he tried hard. Next time, he'll try even harder -- guaranteed.
This first appeared on Psychology Today.
Follow Dr. Peggy Drexler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drpeggydrexler
What if you give some money to someone just for "being"?
I've often thought that society in general needs an overhaul. We tend to value the wrong things, so at the end of the day, whether you compliment your child or not, he/she will still want to dress a certain way, act a certain way, and have a body image dictated to him/her by the environment. Actually I was really surprised by a commercial I saw just last night. It started off by saying 'are you unhappy with something about yourself' and ended up saying ' we can direct you to a good plastic surgeon'. Its the first time I have seen this in Australia! And these days I know more and more women who talk about what they want 'done'.
Peggy Drexler, can you write an article on how society needs and overhaul, and lets look at some values that can change our society from one manipulated by those with money selling us a product, into a society where we learn about helping each other and collaborating, and valuing our unique skills that we can bring to society?
I would only quibble with your notion that true self-esteem comes from achievement. You imply by the way that you say it that it is in reference to others, that it is winning something. Like, winning a contest, winning a fight, winning friends, getting a good grade, etc. But other kids are stupid. I fear that the child can fall into the same trap of using this winningness as a drug, winning false praise from other kids or even teachers who want to be part of the child's success, and the child wanting more. One way or another, true long-term self confidence must come from within.
I want my children to be comfortable with success and failure.Its true.Some days you are the pigeon other days the statue.
This is also one reason why Montessori schools do not give grades, at least mine did not. I was always given a second or third chance to master a problem.
Balance is key. And a child should always know he/she is love, valued, and delighted in just for being. Just like every person should know that.
Every child has positive things to be complimented. Only compliment those and mention that he/she could improve in other fields.