In Appreciation of the FTF (Full Time-Father)

For all of you keeping track of social change on your calendars, you might want to circle November 3.

It is the kick-off for the 12th Annual At-Home Dad's Convention in Kansas City.

There will be break out sessions on what to do when kids go to school, recognizing depression and isolation, building an at-home dad support group and one on anger management.

Boredom? Depression? Isolation? Support? Anger?

Maybe it's time to take a closer look at this whole full time-father (FTF) thing. (Just a note, if you want to get a FTF angry, call him Mr. Mom)

Time Magazine recently did a glowing report on "Fatherhood 2.0" The article says some wonderful things are happening to men: they are more involved with their families than at any time in the last century. They hug more; say "I love you" more and, in general, act more like moms.

It's all good.

But what happens to esteem when dad goes from breadwinner to bread baker? What happens when mom drags herself off the train after a day locked in a boardroom budget showdown and dad wants to talk about how things went on the play date?

Can we simply change gender roles the way we swap cars when one is in for an oil change? I'm not sure it's that easy.

First, how many FTFs are there? The 2002 Census says 189,000. Other say it's more like two millions because the Census strikes many off the list on demographic technicalities - like the "dadpreneurs" who work from home and handle the kids while they're there.

Either way, the numbers aren't huge. With the surge in the number of executive women bringing home big paychecks, you might think there would be more. The low numbers might be a sign that celebrants of the new masculinity might want to turn down the music - at least until we see how things go.

Dads, of course, are still saddled with the masculinity issue. Many shrug off what anybody thinks in return for the rewards of watching the kids grow up. But manliness seems to come up a lot on the new at-home dad web sites that are popping up. They are no longer a curiosity. But mainstream acceptance? Maybe not quite yet.

And then there is mom - at work. I look at growth of stay-at-home dads. And then I look at the Pew Study on working mothers that caused some commotion this summer when it revealed that 60 percent of full-time working mothers would rather be part time. That is up from 48 percent 10 years ago.

Is there a collision of want between dads willing to stay home and mothers yearning to be home? Let's assume we're all working it out individually.

There is emerging evidence - anecdotal but logical - that moms still run the home whether they're there or not. And there can be turf issues.

My husband was between jobs for a number of months and took over the care and chauffeuring of our young daughter. Before long, I was eyeing him the way white corpuscles eye a splinter. Out!

We're past the days when men could handle two TV remotes the way the Earp brothers handled their pistols at the OK Corral - yet be mystified by the three dials on a washing machine. Still they are more likely to apply the five second rule (anything dropped that is not on the floor for more than five seconds is ok to eat), mismatch an occasional school outfit and are secure in the belief that dishes left in a sink for the afternoon do not cause Ebola. There can be a nagging feeling on the part of moms that, in their absence, things might not be running with mom-like precision.

Am I saying that more dads staying home to take care of the kids is a mistake? Not at all. It's wonderful. But I am saying it's not a slam-dunk swap.

 

 

 

Follow Dr. Peggy Drexler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drpeggydrexler

Comments

[WorkingDad]

12:50 AM on 10/16/2007

Dads can bring different skills to child rearing that may not mimic moms, but have just as much value. For example, a dad may not run things with mom-like precision, but that can be a good thing because a family can benefit from looser schedules the way it can benefit, at times, from a tighter ship. Greater sharing of parenting roles is not a slam dunk. It is an increasing­ly common, often subtle and complex shift that every couple handles differentl­y, with benefits for the entire family.

[trophyhusband]

09:49 PM on 10/14/2007

Props for mentioning the 12th At Home Dads' Convention coming up next month in Kansas City, please see www.athome­dadconvent­ion.com .

Thanks also for dissing "Mr. Mom"...yup­, that movie/ster­eotype is almost 25 YEARS OUT OF DATE!. However, many don't care: one guy in my at-home Dad's group proudly sports that license plate.

I'm not wild about FTF to describe AHD's. I hear you, but FTF lacks clear reference, whereas at-home Dad is clear due to “at-home Mom“. Thanks for leaving the usual "stay" off...ther­e is nothing "stay" about the job, as every at-home parent's vehicle attests!

The “masculini­ty” thing is a pure red-herrin­g, or just the big media need to have tension to sell a magazine. (Hello, Time?) Folks, it's a non-issue, AHD's aren't concerned about it: we don't doubt our masculinit­y. Um, it's our masculinit­y that got us into this role in the first place, right? In 8 years of being an at-home Dad, the only people with whom I have ever had a conversati­on about my "masculini­ty" are journalist­s and researcher­s who were all looking for an angle.

The nagging feelings you reference have to do with your mismatched expectatio­n in your house, not everyone else‘s. You've forgotten the much more critical flip side: our wives are spared many nagging feelings. The don’t worry that the day care isn't good enough, that running to school to pick up a sick kid is going to look bad at the office, or that gymnastics­, piano, or home veg time is preferable to 20 hours in the after school program.

No major decision in any marriage or partnershi­p is ever a "slam-dunk­", but it sure was a pretty easy one for my family. Like the rest of society, you're on the right track and moving in the right direction in your acceptance and understand­ing of at-home Dads, but you still aren't quite there yet...plea­se come join us at the convention where you'll meet some of the athomedadl­iest men of all.

[Drew]

10:06 AM on 10/14/2007

Good perspectiv­e and informatio­n.

However, I suggest the term "full-time father" may not be the way to go. It implies that those fathers who spend (part or full) time in the paid workplace aren't fathers while they're doing it. (Which, to many, who are working hard IN ORDER to support their children, might be insulting.­)

This is a long-stand­ing semantic issue in the discussion about mothers & work, which is how we've ended up with the awkward "at home mother" moniker, so as not to add fuel to the mommy wars. For what it's worth, check out Mothers & More (www.mother­sandmore.o­rg), a national non-profit organizati­on dedicated to improving the lives of mothers through support, education and advocacy. They've been addressing this for 20 years now.

[doug108]

03:40 PM on 10/13/2007

Is stay-at-ho­me-daddyin­g looked at as some kind of panacea these days? To my wife and me, it's just a parenting approach that's worked for us. I guess it has to be taken on an individual family basis. If you're a man or a woman who doesn't handle being at home with the kids all the time very well, then it's not for you. You'll have to figure something out. Everybody does the best they can.

I hated my job and the idea of putting my son into daycare for 12 hours a day. So, I stay at home with him and our 10 month old daughter now. I don't have the 'masculini­ty' issue. If other guys don't like it, F 'em. This is for my kids.

Yeah, it's hard work. No, there's not much me time. Yeah, I get frustrated and bored sometimes. But, I don't see how that's much different when the roles are swapped. Someone has to deal with the daily routine of the household. And, I gotta tell ya, the close bond I have with my kids is priceless, and when I'm 75 I'll have a lot of very special memories to keep me company.

[drumz]

03:38 PM on 10/13/2007

There is a double standard. I'm a FTF and have been for over 14 years. You are not respected by either group; male or female. I remember many times at the pool or park that Mothers would have nothing to do with me or my son. Not once, ever did another mother try to make conversati­on not even returning a hello. I would make small talk but never made any friends. I'm a decent looking guy and certainly not lecherous yet that is how I feel I was perceived. We would play with our selves and would have a great time because my son had no idea we were being ostracized­.
Even though it has been quite lonely I never let them get to me.
Now I'm trying to go back into the workforce because I have not been a very successful dadpreneur­. And now I'm seeing it in interviews too where it's like there's something wrong with wanting to stay at home and raise my 2 sons.

[OneWoman]

09:36 PM on 10/13/2007

The ostracism happens to some of us full-time Moms too. I never did fit in with the sweater-se­t group. Oh well...

I start paid work again on Monday. My boys are in school now so I believe it's time. Besides, I need the break! (LOL)

Keep your chin up and stand tall: you did right by your boys.

[MarkWAdams]

12:34 PM on 10/13/2007

Speaking as one of those FTF's and a "recoverin­g" divorce attorney, I can tell you that it won't work unless both spouses have unquestion­ing respect for one another, in addition to an abiding love.

It's not easy to handle the outsiders who have no business judging you, but do anyway. But without a complete commitment to each other, there's no chance of overcoming society's bias -- or even that of other family members.

[johnneutah]

12:12 PM on 10/13/2007

it aint easy being a FTF. Alot of the old society members wanna look down at us for not doing the norm. But WTF is the norm nowadays anyway. I loved my wife but she couldnt handle kids, a social life and her affairs w/ narcotics. So I put some new shoes on and made everything right. Rearing children today is a full time job...they have some many forks in the road and they dont know which one to take. Then, there is the FTF. Who takes care of him. He is,at best, keeping himself from going crazy. Many find themselves slipping into a nonconform­ists role troubling. Some of us are lucky and have a little money tucked away to do some daytrading and others find some way of squeaking out a living at home. Either way, its a helluvalot of work. Hats off to all you fellas for going the extra mile w/ or w/o the wife. Do the best you can with your kids and they'll pay off in the long run. And stay away from the booze, that only makes matters worse. Some of us just have a different value system. Love conquers all. Plus who doesnt love man who can make a gourmet meal out of a bunch of leftovers?­!
-je

[AJJax]

10:25 AM on 10/13/2007

bulletin for starry-eye­d new parents and other mated pairs: yes, we are hardwired for male and female "family" roles. yes, we are all on a continuum of behavior based on nature and nurture. and yes, don't count on being able to switch roles like trading out lamps on the coffee table, just because you want to, or it seems logical to do so. as Ms. Drexler says, "it's not a slam-dunk swap."