Lost and Found: Don't Give Up on Dad

Lost and Found: Why Daughters are Redefining Fathers

As women storm the world of men, many are finding that part of the time-honored connection with the first man in her life has changed. In its place, however, is the opportunity to add new dimensions that were impossible in a time when father knew best. In researching a new book on a new generation of daughters and their fathers, I have interviewed dozens of accomplished women in their 20s and 30s. In this series, I share my observations.

Lost and Found: Don't Give Up on Dad

The stars would seem to align perfectly for a new kind of father-daughter relationship. Young women are educated, oriented and dedicated to making their way in a world of work -- territory that their fathers have patrolled for decades.

But for a surprising number of women in my study, this well of guidance and perspective can be fenced off by years of habit.

Fathers today are the sons and grandsons of men who fought a World War and shepherded their families though the ravages of a great depression. Their trials by fire hardened the mold of fathers that had been in place since the industrial revolution.

He was the sole provider who existed just outside the warm intimacies shared by mother and children. Just as his job was to toughen his sons for the world, his job was to position his daughter for a seamless handoff to a husband.

In a generation, everything changed for women. Many fathers changed with them. Some -- loving as they are -- remain in the emotionally land-locked realm of quiet protector.

Many of the women I interviewed found that breaking through centers on one of the sacred texts of human interaction: "relationships take work."

For Hannah,* a human relations manager for a Fortune 500 consumer products company, that work took on some added dimensions. Her father is what she calls "an amazingly high-functioning alcoholic" who runs a successful heavy equipment leasing business. He is quiet by nature, she said, bordering on introverted. Her mother is "pathologically insecure" and maintained perceived rightful place in the family hierarchy by driving wedges between family members; particularly father and daughter.

"It would be a pretty easy situation to walk away from," she said. "But I'm crazy about my dad. He's got some problems. But I always thought he was the one person in the world who would do absolutely anything for me. He started a business from nothing. There was a lot I wanted to know about him, and a lot I knew I could learn from him."

Her search for common ground did not include leasing heavy equipment -- "My life's work," she said, "was not going to include fork lifts and dump trucks." -- so she went the route that others daughters have: sports.

"We've always had that connection," she said. "We would watch ESPN together. I knew line-ups and statistics. His teams were my teams. We would sit there together and scream at the television."

It was a connection she worked hard to keep alive, and she gradually broadened it to other parts of her life -- particularly advice about work problems.

I came away from these interviews with advice for any woman who wants to cross generations and break through old stereotypes of father-daughter relationships. Work to understand his passions -- maybe it's sports, maybe it's gardening, maybe it's dogs, maybe it's cooking. Become a part of his life in a way that gives you the leverage to draw him into yours.

*The data I compiled and the patterns I've observed for this series are presented as collective experiences. I have honored promises of confidentiality by changing names and disguising identities.

Comments

[Andie Olivia]

Sounds like another piece of advice to take from this piece should be 'turn a deaf ear to Mom.'

My mother was also incredibly insecure and would say some f**ed up things. It got worse when she divorced him and then tried to insert a new man into our lives.

I don't think this is uncommon, a lot of women dump their problems with their former spouses into the relationships their kids have with their fathers. And it doesn't help that Dads just slink off at the slightest difficulty. By the time the kids figure out that their fathers are probably not as bad as they were made out to be there is so much lost time.

[pikaomega]

I would like to add an addendum that for some of us, "not giving up" just simply doesn't work. You first have to have a father that is interested in a relationship with his kids.

I do not say this to disparage the advice in the article, but the title strikes a personal nerve. I was told, for the entirety of my youth, that if I wanted a father who behaved like a parent then I should "work at it, make the first move." It was as if the onus was on me, a child, to somehow maneuver in a manner that would awaken my father to the possibility of behaving like a parent and decent person.

I say this to make the point that in some cases, no matter what you do, you will never be able to have a healthy relationship with a parent. This should be acknowledged, as to leave it without mention leaves deep scars on the psyche.

[skantea]

My dad basically took the hands-off, long distance, how-old-is-that-kid-now approach to parenting. It wasn't until I was an adult in college that I tried to forge some sort of bond with him.
Yeah, he was a selfish, womanizing, a**hole, but he was also really funny and easy to be around.
Anyway, he passed earlier this month and one of things I remember thinking to myself as I told people of his passing was, "How come all these people are taking MY Dad's death harder than I am."
Seriously folks, it's sad, but I obviously have no real idea of deep the bond between father and son can go.
But I intend to figure it out.

[pikaomega]

My sympathies to you. My POS father is still alive, so I have not yet had to deal with the sure torment that will occur when I have to sort out just why it was that he didn't love me.

I know that as a woman, the lack of a father really screwed me up. Had it not been for my Grandpa, who was my dad as I was his second chance at a daughter, I would not be able to trust any man. My little brothers did learn a great lesson, however, and they grew up to be the exact opposite of the man my dad was.

I guess that there is an upside to the example of how NOT to behave.

[indraadnan]

Thanks Peggy for the invaluable work that you do. For women and girls to now take the confident lead in healing relationships with men - rather than confronting and waiting to be healed - is evidence of the growing strength of the feminine in the 21C. The love, respect and commitment between sons and mothers, daughters and fathers is a powerful force for change in society.

[clevelandchick]

There comes a day when daughters realize their fathers are as human as they are and when that happens, the relationship can really flourish. You stop blaming them or expecting too much from them. You begin relating to them as an adult instead of seeing them as a stereotype or iconic figure.

You also realize that there are some things that are not going to change and you find a way to work around that because you love them. Something your father (and mother I might add) have been doing for you your whole life.

[kellygrrrl]

Father-Daughter relationship is increasingly complicated.
To All Fathers out there: Just Show Up!!!